The Tarot! The mystery and magic of life's journey have never been so adeptly captured in any other collection of cards, except maybe Yu-Gi-Oh. In this episode, three spirits penetrate the Tarot's mystery and make some magic as they rank the fuckability of the Major Arcana. Dan Mulkerin weaves tales of infuriatingly excellent and crushingly mediocre fucks; Kris Newton, safely deceased and heedless of privacy, interprets the cards in light of his personal sexual history; and MeganBob sacrifices their very brand to espouse the sexiness of earnest, responsible love. Most importantly, we've got part-time fortune-teller Kit (complete with part-time accent) to command the spirits with the big deck energy such a task demands. Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/soundroll/funk-me License code: PY3X4XBA59ZDUAVZ https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/funky-junk License code: KIXMIV9S2VDVUHLW https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-gentleman License code: UWXG3BXPCASTYIHY https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/lets-get-it License code: MGTNINNDEXYJBAZQ https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/high-life License code: GE9B1XIV9R1VKMML https://uppbeat.io/t/doug-organ/boogie-time License code: QOVELAYOE1SDZQ4Y https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-brighton-bop License code: VWDJ4C60GOAIPACW https://uppbeat.io/t/jonny-boyle/jazzed License code: AVN7XPXUBHDBHFAM https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/wake-me-up License code: SPHCZLRSPZNRUK7R https://uppbeat.io/t/walz/redcar-jazz License code: A0MVEEBKYDDJ0EQY https://uppbeat.io/t/sonda/rock-it License code: QFNICKIQJYO3DCZO RECORD SCRATCH sound effect A SoundEffectsFactory original production & recording made for YouTube

Webster's dictionary defines 'median' as "a value in an ordered set of values below and above which there is an equal number of values." Webster's dictionary doesn't define 'fuckability' because Webster was a nerd. Do you know who isn't a nerd? The four guests who stepped up to tackle every single median that Hard Choices has fucked its way through. Dan Mulkerin, Kit, Zadkiel, and MeganBob round up every median from the past 21 episodes of Hard Choices and give them a second chance in the sack.  If trying to sort through the likes of Toucan Sam, Gandalf, and Brienne of Tarth in our quest to find the median of medians sounds like a good time to you, then get yourself a bowl of thematically appropriate plain yogurt, hit download, and enjoy!  By the way! March 15th, 2023 is Bad Choices, the live and intoxicated version of Hard Choices, and it goes down through Patreon livestream for all $4.20 patrons! You'll get to participate in Let's Upack That among other perks that you'll find out about at patreon.com/hardchoices!

Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!):

https://uppbeat.io/t/soundroll/funk-me License code: PY3X4XBA59ZDUAVZ https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/funky-junk License code: KIXMIV9S2VDVUHLW https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-gentleman License code: UWXG3BXPCASTYIHY https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/lets-get-it License code: MGTNINNDEXYJBAZQ https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/high-life License code: GE9B1XIV9R1VKMML https://uppbeat.io/t/doug-organ/boogie-time License code: QOVELAYOE1SDZQ4Y https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-brighton-bop License code: VWDJ4C60GOAIPACW https://uppbeat.io/t/jonny-boyle/jazzed License code: AVN7XPXUBHDBHFAM https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/wake-me-up License code: SPHCZLRSPZNRUK7R https://uppbeat.io/t/walz/redcar-jazz License code: A0MVEEBKYDDJ0EQY

Gather round, heroes, and hear tell of the largest swords, roundest orbs, and hottest dragons ever seen in the land of Krynn! Experienced adventurers Meganbob, Miles, and Dan are joined by level 1 neophyte Neal Butler--but worry not, Neal is a dirty min-maxer and has no trouble keeping up with the horny analysis all four hosts bring to this special episode. Which Hero of the Lance captures our hearts and boners, and which are we abandoning to the Abyss? What sorts of books does Astinus the Chronicler keep in the restricted area of the library? And does anyone actually want to bone Lord Soth? Listen and find out!

Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!):

https://uppbeat.io/t/soundroll/funk-me License code: PY3X4XBA59ZDUAVZ https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/funky-junk License code: KIXMIV9S2VDVUHLW https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-gentleman License code: UWXG3BXPCASTYIHY https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/lets-get-it License code: MGTNINNDEXYJBAZQ https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/high-life License code: GE9B1XIV9R1VKMML https://uppbeat.io/t/doug-organ/boogie-time License code: QOVELAYOE1SDZQ4Y https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-brighton-bop License code: VWDJ4C60GOAIPACW https://uppbeat.io/t/jonny-boyle/jazzed License code: AVN7XPXUBHDBHFAM https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/wake-me-up License code: SPHCZLRSPZNRUK7R https://uppbeat.io/t/walz/redcar-jazz License code: A0MVEEBKYDDJ0EQY

You may escape the heart of the underworld, boy, but you will never escape the throbbing heart of horniness! In fact, this might be the horniest episode of Hard Choices ever, as Annie Craton, Claire Mulkerin, and Zadkiel join MeganBob in ranking the fuckability of the gods and legends from Hades, the roguelike from Supergiant Games. They start with the median and work their way down to the nadir, but then the drama aeschylates quickly as they work their way up to the zenith, where each host sings the praises of the Olympian they're most eager to mount. Prepare, you who toil in Tartarus, to pause in your work and spill tears (or other bodily fluids) for this ode to a Grecian urge! We hope you find it.... cathartic. By the way, we have a Patreon! You can support the show and get access to all the behind-the-scenes hilarity and other cool perks!

Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!):

https://uppbeat.io/t/soundroll/funk-me License code: PY3X4XBA59ZDUAVZ https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/funky-junk License code: KIXMIV9S2VDVUHLW https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-gentleman License code: UWXG3BXPCASTYIHY https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/lets-get-it License code: MGTNINNDEXYJBAZQ https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/high-life License code: GE9B1XIV9R1VKMML https://uppbeat.io/t/doug-organ/boogie-time License code: QOVELAYOE1SDZQ4Y https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-brighton-bop License code: VWDJ4C60GOAIPACW https://uppbeat.io/t/jonny-boyle/jazzed License code: AVN7XPXUBHDBHFAM https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/wake-me-up License code: SPHCZLRSPZNRUK7R https://uppbeat.io/t/walz/redcar-jazz License code: A0MVEEBKYDDJ0EQY

Attention, citizens of Gotham! We regret to inform you that the inhabitants of Arkham Asylum roam your streets tonight, and that your beloved hero Batman will not be coming to your rescue!

But you know who WILL be coming? That's right, it's tonight's Hard Choices hosts! We may not have a lifetime of martial arts training and a belt full of strongly themed gadgets, but if being a hero means having to fuck our way to victory over every last one of these costumed weirdos, then Meganbob, James D'Amato, Elle Collins, and Chris Sims are most assuredly the heroes Gotham deserves!

By the way, we have a Patreon! You can support the show and get access to all the behind-the-scenes hilarity and other cool perks! Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!):

https://uppbeat.io/t/soundroll/funk-me

License code: PY3X4XBA59ZDUAVZ

https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/funky-junk

License code: KIXMIV9S2VDVUHLW

https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-gentleman

License code: UWXG3BXPCASTYIHY

https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/lets-get-it

License code: MGTNINNDEXYJBAZQ

https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/high-life

License code: GE9B1XIV9R1VKMML

https://uppbeat.io/t/doug-organ/boogie-time

License code: QOVELAYOE1SDZQ4Y

https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-brighton-bop

License code: VWDJ4C60GOAIPACW

https://uppbeat.io/t/jonny-boyle/jazzed

License code: AVN7XPXUBHDBHFAM

https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/wake-me-up License code: SPHCZLRSPZNRUK7R

https://uppbeat.io/t/walz/redcar-jazz

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Halloween is just Valentine's Day for monsterfuckers, and a very horny Halloween it is too! To celebrate the bounty of the season, our hosts gathered up 21 of the most hair-raising horrors ever committed to screen and ranked their fuckability using the only hard science that really counts.  MeganBob is joined by experienced monster-loving mavens Stella Cheeks and Lillian Carlisle, along with Kris Newton, who is only just beginning this journey towards being claimed by that which goes bump in the night.  In their search for the median of monstrous fuckability, everyone learns about therapy-fucks, embracing the void, and who's a very good boy. 

By the way, we have a Patreon! You can support the show and get access to all the behind-the-scenes hilarity and other cool perks! Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!):

https://uppbeat.io/t/soundroll/funk-me

License code: PY3X4XBA59ZDUAVZ

https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/funky-junk

License code: KIXMIV9S2VDVUHLW

https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-gentleman

License code: UWXG3BXPCASTYIHY

https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/lets-get-it

License code: MGTNINNDEXYJBAZQ

https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/high-life

License code: GE9B1XIV9R1VKMML

https://uppbeat.io/t/doug-organ/boogie-time

License code: QOVELAYOE1SDZQ4Y

https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-brighton-bop

License code: VWDJ4C60GOAIPACW

https://uppbeat.io/t/jonny-boyle/jazzed

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https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/wake-me-up License code: SPHCZLRSPZNRUK7R

https://uppbeat.io/t/walz/redcar-jazz

License code: A0MVEEBKYDDJ0EQY

It is I, the Hamburglar!

Where is MeganBob? Safe and content, I assure you. True, after they plumbed the depths of their desire for commercial mascots in this episode,  I whisked them away to my personal playplace in a secluded corner of McDonaldland. But, for once, I have not played the villain -- even I cannot robble what is freely given. Still, they are indisposed, so there will be no episode description today, but rather a cautionary tale. In this episode, Meganbob, Hub, Kit, and James D'Amato dared to seek their boners in my world, the world of capitalism's most beloved and seductive avatars -- like me, the Hamburglar! In the chaos that ensued, Chester Cheetah pushed Kit's love for Flamin' Hot Cheetos to the limit; James fell to the allure of a bathhouse where Tony the Tiger rubs shoulders with Mr. Clean; and all were left to wonder what darkness hides behind the hungry eyes of Poppin' Fresh.

I return now to my lavish hideaway, where my lover's buns await my covetous touch. Whether you listen to this episode is your own affair. You know the risks, if ever one of these rakish brand representatives has persuaded you to give in to a base desire for Froot Loops, or the fantasy of effortless toilet cleaning. Know that other urges, too, may strike like thieves in the night... and I assure you, there is nothing so easily stolen as a heart.

Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/soundroll/funk-me License code: PY3X4XBA59ZDUAVZ https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/funky-junk License code: KIXMIV9S2VDVUHLW https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-gentleman License code: UWXG3BXPCASTYIHY https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/lets-get-it License code: MGTNINNDEXYJBAZQ https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/high-life License code: GE9B1XIV9R1VKMML https://uppbeat.io/t/doug-organ/boogie-time License code: QOVELAYOE1SDZQ4Y https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-brighton-bop License code: VWDJ4C60GOAIPACW https://uppbeat.io/t/jonny-boyle/jazzed License code: AVN7XPXUBHDBHFAM https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/wake-me-up License code: SPHCZLRSPZNRUK7R

You know, when MeganBob suggested this episode, a lot of the other hosts thought they were joking. Not one to be discouraged, they found three erotic galaxy brains willing to make a "Rainbow Connection" with The Muppets. What on earth is going to happen when you get three impassioned Muppet fans together to try and find the median of Muppet f*ckability? Well, it goes a lot like an episode of The Muppet Show.  Join James D'Amato, Kris Newton, Crys, and MeganBob on a quest to get "felt" up by every Muppet that's ever taken to the stage (and maybe some we found in the alley behind the theatre.) One of us makes the case for a Daddy Himbo Muppet, one of us is tentatively willing to blow up a building if the orgasm is good enough, and one of us is asking you to please not proposition them with a Janice puppet (wink wink.)  Part amateur Masters and Johnson, part earnest love letter to the world of Jim Henson, part utter madness, this is an episode that can't really be explained. It can only be experienced.

By the way, we have a Patreon! You can support the show and get access to all the behind-the-scenes hilarity and other cool perks! Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!):

https://uppbeat.io/t/soundroll/funk-me

License code: PY3X4XBA59ZDUAVZ

https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/funky-junk

License code: KIXMIV9S2VDVUHLW

https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-gentleman

License code: UWXG3BXPCASTYIHY

https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/lets-get-it

License code: MGTNINNDEXYJBAZQ

https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/high-life

License code: GE9B1XIV9R1VKMML

https://uppbeat.io/t/doug-organ/boogie-time

License code: QOVELAYOE1SDZQ4Y

https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-brighton-bop

License code: VWDJ4C60GOAIPACW

https://uppbeat.io/t/jonny-boyle/jazzed

License code: AVN7XPXUBHDBHFAM

https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/wake-me-up License code: SPHCZLRSPZNRUK7R

https://uppbeat.io/t/walz/redcar-jazz

License code: A0MVEEBKYDDJ0EQY

Happy Cagemas in...Well, let's call it July overtime, shall we? Sure, it's a cynical cash-grab to double up on Cagemas by doing Cagemas in July, but we never apologize for double-stuffing here on Hard Choices. Let's be honest, we all want to talk about boning Nic Cage characters. That's just the human condition. Five of the former hosts of the Smash Fiction podcast gathered together to live the dream. Stands are taken for wizards, spiders, truckers, writers, chefs, you name it. If you're expecting a lukewarm episode, think again. Bob is barely able to string a coherent thought together, such is their thirst in this one. We may only cover fifteen Cages but the horniness here is enough to rock an entire cinematic career. You think you won't have feelings when you listen to this. You think you'll remain aloof and above looking at Nicolas Cage with erotic longing. When your walls start to crumble, don't be afraid. Lean into the nouveau shamanic embrace of The Cage. 

In our unending quest to understand fuckability, the Hard Choices crew plucked out a list of notable characters from the Nintendo masterpiece Final Fantasy VI and got down to some fantasizing of our own. Claire Mulkerin, Dan Mulkerin, Alex Roberts, and MeganBob explore an entire floating continent's worth of boners in our search for the median of fuckability in the FFVI universe. We found an indisputable median, but along the way we also delved into blunt himbos, the outfit Kefka makes you wear, and the FFVI character who is most desperate to be pegged. We fuck monsters, ghosts, old guys, banana-looking motherfuckers, and a murder clown, all in the name of bringing you the kind of experience that the fanfiction-producing internet of 1994 simply was not ready for. Hit download, pull up the Yoshitaka Amano concept art, and climb aboard this sexy airship bound for the throbbing heart of horniness.

By the way, we have a Patreon! You can support the show and get access to all the behind-the-scenes hilarity and other cool perks! Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!):

https://uppbeat.io/t/soundroll/funk-me

License code: PY3X4XBA59ZDUAVZ

https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/funky-junk

License code: KIXMIV9S2VDVUHLW

https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-gentleman

License code: UWXG3BXPCASTYIHY

https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/lets-get-it

License code: MGTNINNDEXYJBAZQ

https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/high-life

License code: GE9B1XIV9R1VKMML

https://uppbeat.io/t/doug-organ/boogie-time

License code: QOVELAYOE1SDZQ4Y

https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-brighton-bop

License code: VWDJ4C60GOAIPACW

https://uppbeat.io/t/jonny-boyle/jazzed

License code: AVN7XPXUBHDBHFAM

https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/wake-me-up License code: SPHCZLRSPZNRUK7R