Hard Choices

In 1994, Disney's Gargoyles glided into the preteen hearts of the afternoon cartoon crowd, appealing to us in ways we wouldn't fully comprehend for years to come: its borrowings from Shakespeare, for example, and the unfamiliar yearning that Demona's loincloth made us feel. Nearly thirty years later, we are no longer children, and we have put away childish things in favor of podcasts about childish things. At last, we're ready to engage the undeniable horniness of this 90's cartoon and imagine what a night of passion with a gargoyle (or a Disney Afternoon delight with Elisa Maza) would be like. Get ready for Annie Craton, Kris Newton, Lilian Carlisle, and MeganBob to unleash decades of pent-up thirst for some of their most formative monsterfucks.

To sign up for Bad Choices - Square Enix on Saturday, June 24th at 6pm Pacific/9pm Eastern (as well as the preshow, The Squeenix Squabble), either sign up for the Hard Choices Patreon at the $4.20 level to be registered automatically, or buy a ticket direct from the event page by clicking here. Don't forget to use the promo code EGGPLANT for $2 off if you buy before Tuesday, June 20th!

Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/soundroll/funk-me License code: PY3X4XBA59ZDUAVZ https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/funky-junk License code: KIXMIV9S2VDVUHLW https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-gentleman License code: UWXG3BXPCASTYIHY https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/lets-get-it License code: MGTNINNDEXYJBAZQ https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/high-life License code: GE9B1XIV9R1VKMML https://uppbeat.io/t/doug-organ/boogie-time License code: QOVELAYOE1SDZQ4Y https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-brighton-bop License code: VWDJ4C60GOAIPACW https://uppbeat.io/t/jonny-boyle/jazzed License code: AVN7XPXUBHDBHFAM https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/wake-me-up License code: SPHCZLRSPZNRUK7R https://uppbeat.io/t/walz/redcar-jazz License code: A0MVEEBKYDDJ0EQY https://uppbeat.io/t/sonda/rock-it License code: QFNICKIQJYO3DCZO

Chuck Jones and Mel Blanc couldn't have guessed what we'd do when we got our hands on their creations. To be honest, I'm not sure we could have guessed either. That's the power of alcohol! Join Annie Craton, Dan Mulkerin, Kris Newton, and MeganBob for a Chungus of an episode that's full of bad choices. The takes are more explosive than a warehouse full of Acme products and the descent into drunken chaos will leave you satisfied in ways that not even the Tazmanian Devil himself could match. For your safety and the safety of others, please do not listen to this while operating heavy machinery. Frankly, listening to it in public may just be a bad idea full stop.

Notes: If you want to hear the rest of this episode right this moment, then click here to join the Hard Choices Patreon! You can hear the other ninety dang minutes of this beast, along with hours and hours of bonus episodes and outtakes for a mere $1.69 a month! Nice! If you want to see Bad Choices - Square Enix go down on June 24th at 6PM Pacific/9PM Eastern on Crowdcast, you can either subscribe to Patreon at $4.20 a month and I'll add you to the event or you can buy a ticket direct from the event page by clicking here. Don't forget to use the promo code Eggplant!

Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!):

https://uppbeat.io/t/soundroll/funk-me License code: PY3X4XBA59ZDUAVZ https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/funky-junk License code: KIXMIV9S2VDVUHLW

https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-gentleman License code: UWXG3BXPCASTYIHY

https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/lets-get-it License code: MGTNINNDEXYJBAZQ https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/high-life License code: GE9B1XIV9R1VKMML https://uppbeat.io/t/doug-organ/boogie-time License code: QOVELAYOE1SDZQ4Y https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-brighton-bop License code: VWDJ4C60GOAIPACW https://uppbeat.io/t/jonny-boyle/jazzed License code: AVN7XPXUBHDBHFAM https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/wake-me-up License code: SPHCZLRSPZNRUK7R https://uppbeat.io/t/walz/redcar-jazz License code: A0MVEEBKYDDJ0EQY https://uppbeat.io/t/sonda/rock-it License code: QFNICKIQJYO3DCZO https://uppbeat.io/t/ill-kitchen/black-life License code: DYLLL10UX13VLYV0 https://uppbeat.io/t/jonny-boyle/jazzed License code: C1WTYZUQK0DNEDFT

You arrive at the opulent podcast of Mr. MeganBob to find yourself surrounded by three of their most dubious acquaintances: Dan Mulkerin, Lillian Carlisle, and Kris Newton. Apparently, they've all been summoned to rank the fuckability of characters from the classic mystery board game (and cult film) Clue. However, something seems... off. These hosts are keeping secrets, and when foul play disrupts the evening, the suspects' stories don't quite add up. It's as though one or all of these shady podcasters are vile liars and murderers! Or perhaps MeganBob got busy this month during prime podcast recording time, and this episode is weird to compensate! Regardless, there's nothing we can do but act normally -- perv on Professor Plum, gush about Chef White, fall into horny rapture about doe-eyed subs who want to be pounced on -- and wait for the final summation to reveal who did it to MeganBob, where, and with what. Or at least which board game characters three nerds are hot for. Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/soundroll/funk-me License code: PY3X4XBA59ZDUAVZ https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/funky-junk License code: KIXMIV9S2VDVUHLW https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-gentleman License code: UWXG3BXPCASTYIHY https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/lets-get-it License code: MGTNINNDEXYJBAZQ https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/high-life License code: GE9B1XIV9R1VKMML https://uppbeat.io/t/doug-organ/boogie-time License code: QOVELAYOE1SDZQ4Y https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-brighton-bop License code: VWDJ4C60GOAIPACW https://uppbeat.io/t/jonny-boyle/jazzed License code: AVN7XPXUBHDBHFAM https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/wake-me-up License code: SPHCZLRSPZNRUK7R https://uppbeat.io/t/walz/redcar-jazz License code: A0MVEEBKYDDJ0EQY https://uppbeat.io/t/sonda/rock-it License code: QFNICKIQJYO3DCZO https://uppbeat.io/t/aaron-paul-low/not-remotely-sorry License code: ZAMNT4CHXTJYOWJG

It's time to leave the battlefield and enter the bedroom, because this episode of Hard Choices sees our hosts visiting the wide and wild multiverse of Magic: the Gathering! We've got elves, gorgons, vampires, golems, dragons, and more--and all of them are DTF! We've drawn Claire, Dan, Kit, and Meganbob to ask: Which characters are we putting into the command zone of our boners? Which are we consigning to the graveyard of our disinterest? And, perhaps most importantly, which color of Magic can absolutely get it? Tap this episode to find out! By the way, we have a Patreon! You can support the show and get access to all the behind-the-scenes hilarity and other cool perks!

Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!):

https://uppbeat.io/t/soundroll/funk-me License code: PY3X4XBA59ZDUAVZ https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/funky-junk License code: KIXMIV9S2VDVUHLW https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-gentleman License code: UWXG3BXPCASTYIHY https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/lets-get-it License code: MGTNINNDEXYJBAZQ https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/high-life License code: GE9B1XIV9R1VKMML https://uppbeat.io/t/doug-organ/boogie-time License code: QOVELAYOE1SDZQ4Y https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-brighton-bop License code: VWDJ4C60GOAIPACW https://uppbeat.io/t/jonny-boyle/jazzed License code: AVN7XPXUBHDBHFAM https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/wake-me-up License code: SPHCZLRSPZNRUK7R https://uppbeat.io/t/walz/redcar-jazz License code: A0MVEEBKYDDJ0EQY

The Tarot! The mystery and magic of life's journey have never been so adeptly captured in any other collection of cards, except maybe Yu-Gi-Oh. In this episode, three spirits penetrate the Tarot's mystery and make some magic as they rank the fuckability of the Major Arcana. Dan Mulkerin weaves tales of infuriatingly excellent and crushingly mediocre fucks; Kris Newton, safely deceased and heedless of privacy, interprets the cards in light of his personal sexual history; and MeganBob sacrifices their very brand to espouse the sexiness of earnest, responsible love. Most importantly, we've got part-time fortune-teller Kit (complete with part-time accent) to command the spirits with the big deck energy such a task demands. Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/soundroll/funk-me License code: PY3X4XBA59ZDUAVZ https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/funky-junk License code: KIXMIV9S2VDVUHLW https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-gentleman License code: UWXG3BXPCASTYIHY https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/lets-get-it License code: MGTNINNDEXYJBAZQ https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/high-life License code: GE9B1XIV9R1VKMML https://uppbeat.io/t/doug-organ/boogie-time License code: QOVELAYOE1SDZQ4Y https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-brighton-bop License code: VWDJ4C60GOAIPACW https://uppbeat.io/t/jonny-boyle/jazzed License code: AVN7XPXUBHDBHFAM https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/wake-me-up License code: SPHCZLRSPZNRUK7R https://uppbeat.io/t/walz/redcar-jazz License code: A0MVEEBKYDDJ0EQY https://uppbeat.io/t/sonda/rock-it License code: QFNICKIQJYO3DCZO RECORD SCRATCH sound effect A SoundEffectsFactory original production & recording made for YouTube

Webster's dictionary defines 'median' as "a value in an ordered set of values below and above which there is an equal number of values." Webster's dictionary doesn't define 'fuckability' because Webster was a nerd. Do you know who isn't a nerd? The four guests who stepped up to tackle every single median that Hard Choices has fucked its way through. Dan Mulkerin, Kit, Zadkiel, and MeganBob round up every median from the past 21 episodes of Hard Choices and give them a second chance in the sack. If trying to sort through the likes of Toucan Sam, Gandalf, and Brienne of Tarth in our quest to find the median of medians sounds like a good time to you, then get yourself a bowl of thematically appropriate plain yogurt, hit download, and enjoy! By the way! March 15th, 2023 is Bad Choices, the live and intoxicated version of Hard Choices, and it goes down through Patreon livestream for all $4.20 patrons! You'll get to participate in Let's Upack That among other perks that you'll find out about at patreon.com/hardchoices!

Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!):

https://uppbeat.io/t/soundroll/funk-me License code: PY3X4XBA59ZDUAVZ https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/funky-junk License code: KIXMIV9S2VDVUHLW https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-gentleman License code: UWXG3BXPCASTYIHY https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/lets-get-it License code: MGTNINNDEXYJBAZQ https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/high-life License code: GE9B1XIV9R1VKMML https://uppbeat.io/t/doug-organ/boogie-time License code: QOVELAYOE1SDZQ4Y https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-brighton-bop License code: VWDJ4C60GOAIPACW https://uppbeat.io/t/jonny-boyle/jazzed License code: AVN7XPXUBHDBHFAM https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/wake-me-up License code: SPHCZLRSPZNRUK7R https://uppbeat.io/t/walz/redcar-jazz License code: A0MVEEBKYDDJ0EQY

Gather round, heroes, and hear tell of the largest swords, roundest orbs, and hottest dragons ever seen in the land of Krynn! Experienced adventurers Meganbob, Miles, and Dan are joined by level 1 neophyte Neal Butler--but worry not, Neal is a dirty min-maxer and has no trouble keeping up with the horny analysis all four hosts bring to this special episode. Which Hero of the Lance captures our hearts and boners, and which are we abandoning to the Abyss? What sorts of books does Astinus the Chronicler keep in the restricted area of the library? And does anyone actually want to bone Lord Soth? Listen and find out!

Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!):

https://uppbeat.io/t/soundroll/funk-me License code: PY3X4XBA59ZDUAVZ https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/funky-junk License code: KIXMIV9S2VDVUHLW https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-gentleman License code: UWXG3BXPCASTYIHY https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/lets-get-it License code: MGTNINNDEXYJBAZQ https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/high-life License code: GE9B1XIV9R1VKMML https://uppbeat.io/t/doug-organ/boogie-time License code: QOVELAYOE1SDZQ4Y https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-brighton-bop License code: VWDJ4C60GOAIPACW https://uppbeat.io/t/jonny-boyle/jazzed License code: AVN7XPXUBHDBHFAM https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/wake-me-up License code: SPHCZLRSPZNRUK7R https://uppbeat.io/t/walz/redcar-jazz License code: A0MVEEBKYDDJ0EQY

You may escape the heart of the underworld, boy, but you will never escape the throbbing heart of horniness! In fact, this might be the horniest episode of Hard Choices ever, as Annie Craton, Claire Mulkerin, and Zadkiel join MeganBob in ranking the fuckability of the gods and legends from Hades, the roguelike from Supergiant Games. They start with the median and work their way down to the nadir, but then the drama aeschylates quickly as they work their way up to the zenith, where each host sings the praises of the Olympian they're most eager to mount. Prepare, you who toil in Tartarus, to pause in your work and spill tears (or other bodily fluids) for this ode to a Grecian urge! We hope you find it.... cathartic. By the way, we have a Patreon! You can support the show and get access to all the behind-the-scenes hilarity and other cool perks!

Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!):

https://uppbeat.io/t/soundroll/funk-me License code: PY3X4XBA59ZDUAVZ https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/funky-junk License code: KIXMIV9S2VDVUHLW https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-gentleman License code: UWXG3BXPCASTYIHY https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/lets-get-it License code: MGTNINNDEXYJBAZQ https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/high-life License code: GE9B1XIV9R1VKMML https://uppbeat.io/t/doug-organ/boogie-time License code: QOVELAYOE1SDZQ4Y https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-brighton-bop License code: VWDJ4C60GOAIPACW https://uppbeat.io/t/jonny-boyle/jazzed License code: AVN7XPXUBHDBHFAM https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/wake-me-up License code: SPHCZLRSPZNRUK7R https://uppbeat.io/t/walz/redcar-jazz License code: A0MVEEBKYDDJ0EQY

Attention, citizens of Gotham! We regret to inform you that the inhabitants of Arkham Asylum roam your streets tonight, and that your beloved hero Batman will not be coming to your rescue!

But you know who WILL be coming? That's right, it's tonight's Hard Choices hosts! We may not have a lifetime of martial arts training and a belt full of strongly themed gadgets, but if being a hero means having to fuck our way to victory over every last one of these costumed weirdos, then Meganbob, James D'Amato, Elle Collins, and Chris Sims are most assuredly the heroes Gotham deserves!

By the way, we have a Patreon! You can support the show and get access to all the behind-the-scenes hilarity and other cool perks! Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!):

https://uppbeat.io/t/soundroll/funk-me

License code: PY3X4XBA59ZDUAVZ

https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/funky-junk

License code: KIXMIV9S2VDVUHLW

https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-gentleman

License code: UWXG3BXPCASTYIHY

https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/lets-get-it

License code: MGTNINNDEXYJBAZQ

https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/high-life

License code: GE9B1XIV9R1VKMML

https://uppbeat.io/t/doug-organ/boogie-time

License code: QOVELAYOE1SDZQ4Y

https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-brighton-bop

License code: VWDJ4C60GOAIPACW

https://uppbeat.io/t/jonny-boyle/jazzed

License code: AVN7XPXUBHDBHFAM

https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/wake-me-up License code: SPHCZLRSPZNRUK7R

https://uppbeat.io/t/walz/redcar-jazz

License code: A0MVEEBKYDDJ0EQY

Halloween is just Valentine's Day for monsterfuckers, and a very horny Halloween it is too! To celebrate the bounty of the season, our hosts gathered up 21 of the most hair-raising horrors ever committed to screen and ranked their fuckability using the only hard science that really counts. MeganBob is joined by experienced monster-loving mavens Stella Cheeks and Lillian Carlisle, along with Kris Newton, who is only just beginning this journey towards being claimed by that which goes bump in the night. In their search for the median of monstrous fuckability, everyone learns about therapy-fucks, embracing the void, and who's a very good boy.

By the way, we have a Patreon! You can support the show and get access to all the behind-the-scenes hilarity and other cool perks! Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!):

https://uppbeat.io/t/soundroll/funk-me

License code: PY3X4XBA59ZDUAVZ

https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/funky-junk

License code: KIXMIV9S2VDVUHLW

https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-gentleman

License code: UWXG3BXPCASTYIHY

https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/lets-get-it

License code: MGTNINNDEXYJBAZQ

https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/high-life

License code: GE9B1XIV9R1VKMML

https://uppbeat.io/t/doug-organ/boogie-time

License code: QOVELAYOE1SDZQ4Y

https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-brighton-bop

License code: VWDJ4C60GOAIPACW

https://uppbeat.io/t/jonny-boyle/jazzed

License code: AVN7XPXUBHDBHFAM

https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/wake-me-up License code: SPHCZLRSPZNRUK7R

https://uppbeat.io/t/walz/redcar-jazz

License code: A0MVEEBKYDDJ0EQY