Here's the Tower

You’d never eat a horse – that’s gross! But what if you could have all the succulent flavor of horse, without the guilt?

For years, families have trusted Minnesota Mark with vegetarian alternatives to their favorite meaty dishes. Now they’re proud to introduce Minnesota Mark’s Vegetarian Horse Meat. (Produced in a facility that processes actual horse meat. May contain trace amounts of horse.)

There’s no mistaking it. That’s good horse.

A big, special thanks to Frank Rinaldo “Minnesota Mark” Shaw III, the inventor of vegetarian horse meat.

Guest voices on this episode by Jasmine Weatherby as the mom and Gabaroni “Mister Blister” Kiddo as the little boy. Additional recording assistance by Rachel Matchett.

When International Genetic Technologies (InGen) built Jurassic Park, the world was stunned, not only by the wonder of it all but by the horrors that followed. When they tried again with the Jurassic World theme park, it seemed like they had learned from their mistakes. It was not to be.

How many times can we give John Hammond and InGen second chances? In this op-ed, our character asserts that we can no longer trust them to keep us safe in their theme parks.

Has the time come to shutter Jurassic Park – or Jurassic World or whatever Mr. Hammond wants to call it these days – once and for all? You decide.

Here’s a cover of a song I really love by Rihanna. I’ve been playing this for a while around my apartment, however, I had to speed it up quite a bit and remove some parts in order to fit it into this one-minute format. This version is faster, less sparse and less country than I usually play it.

While working on this episode, I found that if you look up the lyrics to this song online, the text in the seventh line is different on Rihanna’s website than it is elsewhere. Her site lists it as “I’m turnt up upstairs and I love you,” while several other sources have the line as “I’m turnt up off sizz and I love you.” Either way, it means she’s wasted, but the latter version means she’s been freebasing oxycontin or heroin off of aluminum foil. Whoa.

On her record both lines sound plausible, but I’m gonna lean toward the official version that she’s just wasted upstairs and keeping it safe with some good old whiskey and weed. Though Rihanna might not even be the person in the song at all, as she shares the writing credit with six other people.

The beautiful guitar pictured above that I play on this recording was built by my sister Greta Ritcher about twenty years ago. It is a joy to have around.

This is the second part of a multi-episode series that takes a look behind the scenes of how Hank Williams, Jr., arrived on the cover of a major label album wearing an unzipped, wide-lapeled terrycloth exercise jacket in a poorly lit photo that looks like it was shot late one night when he got high and broke into a zoo.

Before Hank Williams, Jr., became the outlaw country legend we know as Bocephus, he toiled in a career overshadowed by his father’s greatness.

When he finally began shaping his own image and writing his own material, there was an adjustment period before he established himself as a legend in his own right.

His 1973 album, After You, Pride’s Not Hard to Swallow, was a notable step in that journey that almost ended tragically two years later when he fell nearly 500 feet at Ajax Peak, Montana. That rock climbing accident nearly killed him and changed his appearance to the point where he has rarely been seen without his trademark beard, sunglasses and cowboy hat in the forty years since.

The narration for these episodes was provided by Elvis Deane. Guest voices on this episode by Pat McClimans as Hodge Mumford and Alex Leask as Henry Streck.

A quick warning: This episode contains words that some people may find objectionable. I mean, hopefully. Listener discretion is advised.

Special appearances by Hank Williams, Jr., Alex Leask, Jerry Lee Lewis, Pat McClimans, Bill O’Reilly, Rachel Matchett, Orson Welles, Emily Meurer, The Frogs, Barack Obama, Claire Danes, Gordon Ramsay and Casey Kasem.

This episode introduces the new swear phrases “Oh, it’s real windy out there” and “Samsung telephone!”