Here's the Tower

Small town radio host Lester Hopkins is happy to share his knowledge and advice on any topic his listeners might need help with. 

If you have any questions for Lester or his listeners, just jot them down on a postcard and send them to Lester’s Mail Bag, Karin Larssons väg 16B, Lgh 1401, 128 63 Sköndal Sweden, and he’ll try to get to them on the air.

That’s what the show is all about – answering your mail!

Music in this episode:
“Leaning on the Everlasting Arms” by Zachariah Hickman
“Dixie Outlandish” by John Delay and the 41 Players

Associate producer: Betsy McClimans

Join us for a very special dispatch direct from the Moscow Bureau. Our reporter sits down for an exclusive interview with the president of Russia. 

Guest voice: Pat McClimans

Associate producer: Betsy McClimans

Today we ponder the vastness of the universe and the many unanswered questions it holds.

There could be life on any one of the planets in our solar system, or perhaps on similar planets around a distant star.

Music: “Stark Goes Dark” by The Whole Other

Associate producer: Betsy McClimans

Controversy surrounds Tom Selleck and Blue Bloods, according to Randy who is calling in to share some research he has been doing online.

Apparently, the Tom Selleck who appears in Blue Bloods every Friday night on CBS is not the real Tom Selleck.


Although Randy’s wife agrees, our host Gary seems a bit skeptical about the existence of a plot to replace Tom Selleck with a replica. While Gary attempts to poke holes in the story with some counter points, he ultimately suggests a possible culprit.

Associate producer: Betsy McClimans

(Programming note: This episode was recorded in October 2020 and scheduled to appear today, January 13, 2021. The idea of a bunch of big dummies believing absurd online conspiracy theories seemed funnier a few months ago than it does today, in light of what happened at the Capitol. Nonetheless, I stand by my brave decision to make fun of these damn fools who seem to believe pretty much anything.)

Things are beeping everywhere. I mean, seriously, what is that beeping sound and where is it coming from?

We’re counting down the greatest, hottest beeps in the nation.

Associate producer: Betsy McClimans

Music in this episode:
“Move It Or Lose It” by Silent Partner
“Take Your Time” by Dan Lebowitz
“Love Now” by Eveningland
“The Rap” by Crazy Calls
“No Parking On the Dance Floor” by Midnight Star
“Betya” by Lauren Duski

At Davidson’s Sausages, we put our heart and soul into what we do.

Though you may have heard about a few unfortunate accidents on our assembly line, in which some of our employees gave their all… they put their entire bodies in.

But every cloud has a silver lining and that’s how we discovered our proprietary blend that tastes like no other sausage you’ve ever tried.

Don’t worry, there aren’t actual humans in our sausages – far from it – just the meat from clones of our old employees. Perfectly safe and perfectly seasoned.

We think you’ll agree, at Davison’s Sausages, our employees are the wurst.

I have made plenty of fake commercials on Here’s the Tower. Many of them have undoubtedly been inspired by years of growing up watching Saturday Night Live. For this end-of-year episode, I felt it was only appropriate to go all-in on an SNL tribute.

The effect wouldn’t be the same without the song at the end. This is “Chances” by Silent Partner, a tribute in its own right to “Waltz in A” by Howard Shore, better known as the closing theme to Saturday Night Live.

Thanks for listening this year and making this crazy year a little more bearable for me. Plenty more Tower is coming your way in 2021. Happy new year.

Associate producer: Betsy McClimans

Music in this episode:
“Hickory Hollow” by Dan Lebowitz
“Chances” by Silent Partner

The excitement is palpable tonight at the Dirty Ol’ Opry as luminaries from the world of dirty country music are on hand for the 44th Annual Academy of Dirty Country Music Awards.

A hush falls over the crowd as dirty country legends Farty Stuart and Travis Fucking Tritt take the stage to announce the nominees for the night’s biggest prize. Who will take home this year’s award for Dirty Entertainer of the Year?

Will it be Shameless George Strait, Handsy Travis, The Dirty Statler Brothers, Loretta Foreskin, or Hank Williams, Jr? Tune in to find out!

Guest voices:
Pat McClimans as The Dirty Statler Brothers
Rachel Matchett as Loretta Foreskin

Associate producer: Betsy McClimans

Long-time listener Randy is on the line. He’s fired up and having a hard time keeping it clean while discussing the price and quality of Adobe’s software applications.

Co-written with Pat McClimans

Associate producer: Betsy McClimans

In March of 2020, I began using a sleep monitor app to track and analyze my sleep patterns.

Each morning when I wake up, I can see data about my previous night’s sleep and how it was affected by any number of factors including what time I got into bed, how many steps I walked the previous day, the weather, the lunar phases, and more.

I can see trends and insights over time as well, like that I sleep better when I have cleaner sheets, when my sleep schedule is consistent, and when I don’t read the news before laying my head down.

The app makes short recordings when it detects sound or movement, so I can hear what it sounds like if I have been tossing and turning or snoring, which is typically 5 to 20 minutes per night.

All that stuff is pretty crazy and it has given me a view of myself that I have never seen before. But what’s most insane for me to hear are the rare instances when I talk in my sleep.

I have saved some of the best moments and I have compiled them here for you. I’ll warn you, I have no idea what I’m talking about in these clips. There’s something about “true favorites” or how “it’s the wrong instructions or how “the news is still the same” or how you should “take your gloves, now.”

The point is that I am very dedicated to making great episodes of this show – I never stop – and the following episode was recorded entirely while I was asleep.

Associate producer: Betsy McClimans

Music in this episode:
“Tonight Is Nothing That I Can’t Handle Tonight” by Scott Ritcher

Today’s episode will transport you to a busy airport where you can sit back and imagine yourself suffering the punishment of air travel way back in precedented times.

Guest voice: Tanya O’Sullivan as the ticket agent

Associate producer: Betsy McClimans

Music in this episode:
“Argentina Tango Bandonian” by Doug Maxwell
“Accordion” by Andrew Huang
“Summer Symphony Ball” by Sir Cubworth