Hops and Box Office Flops

Jaws 3D is the third entry in the killer shark franchise.

The original is still widely regarded as a classic. The second is a watchable flick with some decent gore. This one, however, is a shipwreck of epic proportions.

From its shoddy 3D effects to its dearth of tension, Jaws 3D never offers anything to justify its existence. Yes, money is why, but having a good idea or two wouldn't have hurt.

The titular fish terrorizing a SeaWorld isn't exactly fodder for action and excitement. Critics and audiences agreed, sinking the threequel. Sadly, their disdain for Jaws 3D didn't bury the franchise deep enough.

It would rise back to the surface one last time for an even dumber adventure.

Now, sit back, ease your fears of the great white with a Devil's Ale from SanTan Brewing, and search that sunken pirate ship! The Thunderous Wizard, Chumpzilla, and Bling Blake are perfecting our water skiing stunts with Jaws in hot pursuit!

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The Dark Tower is a woeful adaptation of Stephen King's beloved book series.

Condensing seven mainline stories into one undercooked film, The Dark Tower lacks any of the elements that made the novels so special.

It's a speed run, dumbing down the world and its lore so much that there's really no audience for it. Fans of the books were left dumbstruck, and newcomers were just confused.

The Dark Tower is a textbook example of not understanding the property you're adapting. And it very much deserves its 16% on Rotten Tomatoes. No thankee sai, Sony. You botched the hell out of this one.

Now, sit back, settle your mind with Black Caddis Porter from Wren House Brewing, and never forget the face of your father! The Thunderous Wizard, Chumpzilla, and Bling Blake are beguiling people with our powerful magics!

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Based on a 60s television show of the same name, The Man from UNCLE attempts to merge the cool of James Bond with real-world Cold War era politics.

The results are mixed. Directed by Guy Ritchie, it has all the hallmarks of one of his films—quippy banter, smooth action beats, and heroes that ooze charisma.

Well, one of the heroes is charismatic. And it's not the one who allegedly is into cannibalism. Henry Cavill is the engine that drives The Man from UNCLE. And just like his turn in The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare, he proves he's got the chops to be both comedic and badass.

Sadly, audiences never gave this one a chance. On a budget of $75 million, it grossed just north of $110 million. That wasn't nearly enough to warrant the sequel they teased.

Now, sit back, stay incognito with a Lord Grey from Three Taverns, and never trust a Nazi scientist! The Thunderous Wizard, Chumpzilla, and Bling Blake are enjoying some fine cheese and red wine while Mayor McCheese evades the goons!

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As a follow-up to the masterful Mad Max: Fury Road, Furiosa had a tough road to hoe. It mostly lives up to those lofty expectations, but it also suffers from the same ills that plague most prequels.

We essentially knew the titular Furiosa's story. It was told brilliantly through the performance of Charlize Theron. Seeing it fully realized onscreen, as beautiful as it can be, doesn't feel entirely necessary.

This only ends one way; we've been privy to that. In the end, your left to wonder whether it would've served this universe better to see what comes next. Why drudge up the past?

Critics and audiences, those that actually saw it, loved what Furiosa had to offer. But that aforementioned question must have weighed on the general audience's mind. Grossing more than $200 million less than its predecessor, Furiosa lost a lot of money for WB.

It may not have felt necessary, but it certainly deserved a better fate than that.

Now, sit back, trade some guzzoline for a Sabre-Toothed Squirrel from Smog City Brewing, and top off your blood bag! The Thunderous Wizard, Chumpzilla, and Bling Blake are all shiny and chrome! Witness us!

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There was a time when Hasbro envisioned a cinematic universe. Battleship was a cog in that misguided wheel, an expensive one at that.

Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately for all us movie goers, Battleship sank before it even hit the seas.

Critics and audiences alike found little joy or interest in a $200 million dollar blockbuster based on a slow-paced board game.

To be fair, they were all correct. Battleship is a slog of a movie; and its nonsensical plot cannot be saved by the bombastic effects and action. Odds are that within minutes, you’ll be sending an SOS to your TV to find something more entertaining.

Now, sit back, arm your tastebuds with a Blind Pirate Blood Orange IPA from Monday Night Brewing, and don't promise any late night snacks if you can't deliver! The Thunderous Wizard, Chumpzilla, and Bling Blake are sinking alien ships and dropping super cool one-liners — mahalo mother f%$&er!

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Batman Forever attempted to course correct the Caped Crusader's big screen adventures after its predecessor, Tim Burton's Batman Returns, was deemed too dark.

Swapping Burton for Joel Schumacher in the director's chair, the film certainly has a different feel than Returns. It trades the dark and moody Gotham for a more campy, neon soaked one.

That change may have led to greater receipts at the box office, but it hardly equated to a quality film. Batman Forever isn't without its charms, but it is also a tonal wreck, whiplashing between introspective musings of what it means to be Batman and the Two-Face/Riddler comedy hour.

It's no wonder than that its star, Val Kilmer—who stepped in for Keaton—wanted no part of a sequel. Judging by our Batman & Robin pod, he made the right choice.

Now, sit back, find the courage to fight crime with a Shiner Black Lager from Spoetzl, and don't over kung-fu your laundry! The Thunderous Wizard, Chumpzilla, and Bling Blake are joygasming all over Gotham!

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Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is a fantastic neo-noir that is carried by outstanding lead performances from Robert Downey, Jr. (RDJ) and Val Kilmer.

Written and directed by Shane Black, it is a film that thrives on its witty banter, sleek visuals, and intricate plotting. Ok, that latter bit can sometimes be a bit convoluted, but that doesn't detract from the repartee.

Kilmer has never been better than he is here. And RDJ capitalized on his exceptional performance as Harry Lockhart to catapult back into the mainstream. Yes, he's that good in this.

Sadly, this movie didn't fare nearly as well at the box office as its spiritual successor, The Nice Guys, nor did it ever get the sequel it so richly deserved.

Now, sit back, choke down a Rowdy Peach IPA from Sweetwater Brewing, and avoid peeing on the corpse! The Thunderous Wizard, Chumpzilla, and Bling Blake are investigating the untimely and mysterious death of Proto-Cop!

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The Island of Dr. Moreau has the ignoble distinction of being the only movie to appear on this podcast twice. But, to be fair, the first episode was in dire need of further conversation.

Thus, we've gone back to the island with all manor of misfit mutants. As we suspected, the film remains just as bizarre as ever. Like the ill-fated experiments of the titular doctor, The Island of Dr. Moreau itself is a Frankenstein's monster.

Hurricanes, clashing egos, and an emergency director swap (that's not even the half of it) all ensured that this would be just as odd offscreen as it was on. And believe us, all the on-set discord shows in the final product.

Yet there is something unexplainably watchable about this movie. Val Kilmer is at his campiest, and Marlon Brando saves what would be a dull affair with his flair for the absurd.

Watch it and wonder how it even exists at all.

Now, sit back, mutate your mind with a BajaJack Salted Lime Lager from SanTan Brewing Co., and go on two legs! The Thunderous Wizard, Chumpzilla, and Bling Blake are hunting, killing, and running with the pack!

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Real Genius was Val Kilmer's second big screen appearance. His first, Top Secret!, we also covered on this podcast.

Like that one, Real Genius is a tremendous showcase for his immense acting talents. This is a truly great 80s comedy, propelled by the infinite charisma of Kilmer as brilliant slacker Chris Knight.

It doesn't hurt that William Atherton plays his despicable foil Professor Jerry Hathaway. Atherton just excels at playing an asshole. Thus, as Knight relishes in making a fool of him, the audience can't help but laugh.

Alas, Real Genius is on this pod for a reason. Despite being a cult classic now, it fared poorly upon its release, grossing $13 million on a budget of $8 million. Thankfully, people smartened up, cementing its rewatchable status over the years. 

Now, sit back, get inspired with a Space Food from Warped Wing Brewing Co., and fill out those entries for the Frito-Lay sweepstakes! The Thunderous Wizard, Chumpzilla, and Bling Blake are unwittingly building murder lasers for the government!

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2024's Road House is surprisingly watchable, even if it pales in comparison to the original. Jake Gyllenhaal does a serviceable job as Elwood Dalton—the bouncer with a penchant for violence but a heart of gold. And the general premise of a man who busts up bar fights for a living is still wildly entertaining.

Where this one stumbles is the odd use of CGI to make the fights appear more "brutal." It's often distracting and offputting. Not distracting enough, though, to make you forget how bland and boring Billy Magnussen's villainous Brandt is. He lacks any semblance of the sleaze Ben Gazzara brought as Brad Wesley.

Honestly, and it is baffling to type this, the movie is kind of saved by the ludicrous performance of Conor McGregor. He may be high as hell on blow, but he definitely understands the assignment.

Now, sit back, get belligerent with an Orange Blossom Pilsner2 from Orange Blossom Brewing Co., and take it outside! The Thunderous Wizard, Chumpzilla, and Bling Blake are brokering shady real estate deals in the Florida Keys!

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