You don't need hands to be a human being, You just need life and love, Anger with my Mother is caused by myself, prank calling and egging my mother's house, How my Mother got her house, 35 sheep and 5 camcorders, I have the right to harrass her, Trying to be time-neutral, Christmas is actually is a sad time so attend my holiday lecture. Please join me for my Holiday Session in New York City at the Jacob Javits six thousand seat ballroom. Tickets are half-sold though, so good luck with that.

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You want to be a different person. If you look in a mirror, you don't like what you see. You might not be like-able. I like you. Cut off contact with your friends and family. Mental hugs. Sometimes at my seminars, people come in groups. I asked a group of a woman's friends to leave and they didn't want to. They were not good for that gal. We want our friends to tell us what to do. I don't respect you. Get rid of your friends and follow me. I am your brain mechanic. I will make you a better person because you can't do it on your own. I am getting inside your brain. Tell me the colors you see. A brick is a brick. That general palate is a reflection of what's going on inside you. I bleed just to know I'm alive. I wasn't aware I was alive. Trowel tossed in the air caught by the sharp side and I cut my hand. Go and find the sharpest object you can and gently cut your thumb. What is that? It's blood. It's a reminder that we are inside this trap of work, school, home, finding a mate, decorating our house. We can help people. A millionaire patient gives homeless diamonds so they can hawk them to buy drugs. Sometimes I take on clients with such emotional disorder, I can't cut them. We are not in the reality that Denys makes us fat. What we eat affects how we live work breathe play. I want you to cut yourself and to stop eating at Denny's. I will talk to Denny's corporate. For real change to happen for Wilford Brimley he needed to be cut. I didn't want to do it. I was lazy. I learn so much from talking to you.

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This podcast is about you and how I can take your life and turn it on it's backside. A baby crying in a movie theatre. I want to be your clip-on earring. When you fail, you fail your fellow man. When you walk into a room with flip flops and everyone else is wearing $400 heels, you are ruining their lives. You have the power to do bad even when you don't realize it. Your self. You're like a see-thru egg. If yourself isn't happy, your outer shell isn't going to be happy. We have to have the ability to be fake in this world. Your spirit. It causes you to take action or not. You can't change it like you can change your self. There's a base that homes are built on and they are called bases. Your spirit is a base. Asking me to change your spirit is like asking me to give you plastic surgery. Your spirit is as physical as your nose is. Give up on trying to change your spirit. The newspaper is an obituary. Alcohol involves spending money. Locally-owned liquor? Please.

Those people in those big cities? Those are the people who count. I drink what people in New York drink. I have lived in a larger city. Sometimes I have to shake myself. This podcast will be on the radio within a year, in a local market. I'm not local. I'm national, baby. Become national. Do you want to be a locally-brewed liquor or one that is drunk by people in Paris. One of my feet might have to be removed. I don't know which one. I designed a billboard for PETA. My feet are causing a build-up of liquid in my shoulder because they are so well-designed. The doctors would attach my arm four inches lower. Think about other people, not yourself. You are not that important.

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I want you to answer in the affirmative, to live your life in the affirmative. If you choose to be fat, that's your choice. We are a limon' tamer. Should I be putting that into my body? Is cocaine glamorous, retro-glamorous, or really cool? The liquid at the bottom of the well of despair is formed by our own tears. Mark Baratelli, this fur, you've endowed as being negative. If we admitted to ourselves we'd never be rich, we'd all kill ourselves or be on cocaine, which is why most poor people are on cocaine. You really should be going on a walk with me. The four tenants of happiness: 1) eat food that will make you walk in a circular motion, 2) stick with people who stick with you, 3) talk in English, 4) tie your shoes. I gave a check for $12 to a homeless shelter. God bless me. I share some stories from my past. Life takes care of you if you take care of life. When good things happen to bad people, you need to take action.

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You don't want to share your self-inflicted misery, but I want to listen to it...through your journal. Write a letter to me in your journal and send it to me in your mind, and in 6 months, you can look back and see how crazy you are. I want you to embrace your inner loon and when someone asks you how you are, you tell them. That way, you are writing letters to me verbally that I will never receive. Life on the other side of depression, anxiety, unhappiness and bulemia is a rainbow, a joyride, a ferris wheel. You are invited to "Let the Red Rain Fall: Mark Baratelli's Blood-Letting Tour." Janet Dupree had her children tie her to the bed, let her husband blood-let her and she woke up renewed and refreshed. 1 out of 400 was unhappy with my blood-letting. I am in the industry of givery. I want to givery you happiness. What in your life enables you to have a tropical oasis on a daily basis? I can control your mind, I can blood let you, but ultimately it's up to you to make the changes in your life.

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I am proud of you because you are about to make one of the biggest changes in your entire life. I will give you an elixor that will tranquilize your behavior. The things that you say become the things that you do. Say it with me: "I am going to eat a burrito." Now go take the action of eating the burrito. How do you apply this to your mate? You think, then act, then react. Simple describes what we're dealing with. God Bless Simple

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Do you like your fat body? I am the only person who cares about you. Yawn I'm going to die soon. You are mortal. Say it with me: I am going to die. I want you to have a good time in life. It is about what you do with what you have. Crazy fun like in high school. Life should be fun and drinking is fun. I want you to steal something. It's illegal, but not as bad as doing drugs or killing someone. You should make people happy. You can buy a house in Queens. I like people who breathe. Love people whether they love you or not. I am very good with charades so I could speak with my hands to a monk and I made him laugh. I allowed him to accept death. Having fun equals an acceptance of death. Fun equals death. Accept. I am under the weather.

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When your laundry is all done, you've got it going on. Your P.O.V. on things that stress you out is mixed up. You down with POV? Yeah you know me! Be grateful. Have passion. I put soap in the hole. I fold socks for five minutes. If you're not enjoying life, you're slapping the face of God. Your POV with relationships: communication is about listening and responding. I'll rubber neck all I want. My POV is this: I have a right to do whatever I want to do. I love to have a good time. A movie lasts 2 hours, same as a dinner out. My POV on tv is this: it's a waste of time. You're a sad sack of crap. Don't deny it. You think something is going to change, pop out of nowhere, a gnome. Nothing happens without action. Without force there is no impending energy. Please find a hand mirror. This is the you I'd slap. a goat in Saudi Arabia wanted to eat grass and lay down. The sheppardess wanted to slaughter the goat to buy a burka and eat the other half. She paid a man 40 dracchmas to catch the goat. She went into prostitution, the goat got fat, she got AIDS and died, the goat died. Change your POV and catch your goat.

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How do you feel? If you said bad, I'd slap your face. When any minute of your life is sad, it's like slapping the face of God. People love to get slapped. The pain they inflict on others is twice as bad as when it's on them. You need to be familiar with the pain you inflict on other people, so you don't do it. What do you need to be happy? Happiness. Happiness doesn't come from people. You make YOURSELF happy. This world is a world of happiness. What makes God happy? You being happy makes God happy. Happiness is the way to happiness. Fat men who drive tiny cars are not happy, and if they are, I will shoot myself in the forehead.

I'm a human being. I'm jealous. I have something wrong with me. I pretend that the people who have more than me have things wrong with them and those things are worse than the things that are wrong with me. You ever pretend you're in an alternate universe? You watch the movie "Truman Show," and think, "That's my life!" If I knew now what I know then, I'd be directing the show, not in the chorus. No one's looking at me. I pretended I was the lead in the show. Say it: I am a star. Make bold choices. Respond to people like you were in the best written movie ever produced. It's the movie of your life. You always have an opportunity to come back in the end. Your life movie might be boring. I slapped Penny Marshall. Penny Marshall asks for help but really doesn't want it. The people I respect get up and try again. Penny Marshall is not like that. Penny Marshall wants me to hit her. We all want attention. Why do people go to steak houses on a Thursday night KNOWING the weekend is coming? For attention.

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Produced by Mark Baratelli