How do you Feel? A Self-Help Guru's Quest for Your Brain

personal satisfaction is only available one on one, live seminars, praying for a hurricane, voodoo, 7-11 coffee, Starbucks is an adult Baskin Robbins, you can learn a lot from a moron, Transformers, old people want to forget the fact that they are old, getting old is bad, don't look in the mirror, inflict the pain, they do not know the social ramifications of a heavy woman wearing short shorts, doughnuts, find an overweight woman and AWAKEN them

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feelpodcast

Produced by Mark Baratelli

I need to celebrate this podcast because people thank me for creating this show. You're unworthy of my time. If I had to repeat myself to you, wouldn't you feel guilty for me? I'm judging a rose competition for publicity. Clarissa is in her closet crying. My listeners are male, I need more lady listeners, so I'm going to the rose gig. I'm going to judge the competition based on who is prettiest. Be your lady self. This coffee is running down my throat like a river. You can go to hell Jamie and Donna, two listeners who asked me not to gurgle my coffee. I knew there was something false about your look.

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It does not matter what happens to you, but how you react to what happens to you. I don't lie and you shouldn't either, unless I tell you to lie. We are meant to be happy. Spread the goood feelings by acting like you're rich. I honk at a woman in a green truck. Suicide might be right for you. A booger on a rainbow in a kindergarten class. Doritos. Eat them and throw up.

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I just read a book that changed my life, but I won't tell you the title. I wrote it. You need to put in a request for the "How Do You Feel?" bool at your local Barnes and Noble. I carried it around for 9 months. It is birthed. Much like women in other cultures who freeze the placenta and eat it, I got the very first edition of the book and put it on my bookshelf. If you're crying, I want you to be happy. If you can't be happy, slap your face. The only person who will make you happy is me. When you accept that, you will begin to grow. You are a child in the body of an adult. Gnaw you foot off and run away to freedom. You need a bear trap and you need to get happy. When Chaka Khan recorded a song I cannot tell you the title of, she was on so many drugs she had to be dragged into the studio and drugged. hey hauled her back home. In spie of all her personal difficulties, she was able to mke something that made the world happy. What can you do like Chaka Khan?

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Everything will be alright if you trust in me. I am a blue warm baby blanket keeping you warm on a cold winter's night. A blanket causes change. I can change your emotional state. I went to a place of learning and will get a new Mercedes. They hit a deer. They hit a wall. There's guts everywhere. They will stop beating. You need to beat yourself. The more you get to know someone, the more you realize you don't want to get to know them. 98%of people are bad. What is your opinion on abortion? Try swimming in a lake in a thunderstorm. What if you have to have a foot removed? I have all my hospital procedures in a hotel. When anyone says something they didn't mean to say, they meant to say it. People don't make mistakes. Do you have clam sauce that has no salt? Are you stupid? I am being feel mated for asking for it. And I feel stupid. I can't afford groceries because Beatrice Jenkins won't let me have them. People cannot accept the blame for their horrible states of being. I makes them feel good. Shut up and let them do it. BLAME SOMEONE ELSE FOR YOUR PROBLEMS.

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That hump resembles a turkey. You've got a family and that family is me. All you have to do is sit on Thanksgiving day and think about me. I said a prayer for my listeners. I like to try out new methods of therapy. The silence box. Clack clack clack. I don't expect you to be able to do what i can do. You can probably barely hold a fork. I will be selecting people to get in the spinning box. The spinning box is a metaphor or life. When people are mean, those memories don't go away. Being in the box feels the same way. Write down how much money you THINK you have. Write down how much money you THINK Dorothy Hammil has. My medical doctor friend operates on knees. Have you ever had steak tartar? There is crap for every surface of your home. Do you think the holidays are about shopping? If you do, you are stupid. I want you to be happy. If this is the season of happiness, don't buy...be happy. The way you do that is by smiling. And that makes other people want to be happy and buy something. You are not the insecure one in a room.

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This neighborhood smells like rotten eggs. If you're male, you get stuck with the bill. I mean bodily fluids. I'm worried about you. I am your mother with my face on her body. I need some intoxicants. Rolling down the mountain. I want these calls to be sugar packets of love from your Mother. Your mother has been blow away by wind...or a lawn blower machine. Think of me when you think of diapers. (Bad customer service ensues during the call. My apologies). I almost swallowed a can of wheat germ I was so angry. Dairy Queen employee gave me sass. No onion rings was her fault, not the manager's. I was so angry I asked for a glass of water, she said that will be thirty five cents, and I made her watch me swallow the entire bottle of wheat germ...dry. I went to the hospital because of suffocation that turned into a convulsion fit. I had no insurance after the divorce. Have you ever been uninvited to a birthday party? Sedatives, no translation for my tapes, write a poem about me.

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Calling from Boston. Belks employee recognized me. She told me she wanted to join me at my lecture, but she couldn't afford it. Whose fault is that? Hers. I told her to cut herself, she almost did, I was almost arrested, she was taken away in shackles. When she was being led away, she sang the national anthem. Because of her, I bought a flag pin. Advertising for this convention is everywhere...except in the black neighborhoods. My clients are 98% white 2% black. Louisa gave away my numbers to Peter for fifty bucks. The "How Do You Feel Black Army" will go to black gatherings and hand out my flyers. If you want to join the army, email me. You must be black. My life is the focus of my life. My life should be the focus of your life. Waitress. Woman drops ashes on baby's head. In certain parts of America, women don't treat babies good. Article about woman who swung baby to hit her boyfriend. She should be punished by a machine that swings her against a wall like she did to her child. The punishment should hit the crime. I visited her. It's so odd when you try to help someone (with a camera crew). The jail didn't want a "media circus." Cherly brought her baby. I threatened Jenkins that I would hit him with Cheryl's baby. He thought I was kidding. I was dead-baby serious. I was incarcerated for 24 hours. Some people don't want help, but I am a Mother Hen. I think that woman doesn't think anyone cares about her. She had no friends so she thought she could swing babies. She's not loved. I visited the child. It's got a giant dent in it's head. I know they can fix that baby. One client had plastic surgery on her baby, but you have to update the surgery as the baby grows.

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Produced by Mark Baratelli

This neighborhood smells like rotten eggs. If you're male, you get stuck with the bill. I mean bodily fluids. I'm worried about you. I am your mother with my face on her body. I need some intoxicants. Rolling down the mountain. I want these calls to be sugar packets of love from your Mother. Your mother has been blow away by wind...or a lawn blower machine. Think of me when you think of diapers. (Bad customer service ensues during the call. My apologies). I almost swallowed a can of wheat germ I was so angry. Dairy Queen employee gave me sass. No onion rings was her fault, not the manager's. I was so angry I asked for a glass of water, she said that will be thirty five cents, and I made her watch me swallow the entire bottle of wheat germ...dry. I went to the hospital because of suffocation that turned into a convulsion fit. I had no insurance after the divorce. Have you ever been uninvited to a birthday party? Sedatives, no translation for my tapes, write a poem about me.

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Produced by Mark Baratelli

10-17-06 It's not a lecture, it's a gift. The Cheapo Company gave me a Dodge Neon and the President asked me to emblazon on his employees' chests a mantra. Bumping is good. This is not about me. A gift from yourself is the best gift of all, because it came from God. Like the Tinman. I'd put God inside me. (show interrupted by a trip to Taco Bell) I got a postcard from someone in my family describing the emotional impact of my non-presence. I've been to this Taco Bell before. My face and name are known. Is there a Creep Festival? They look like they want to stab me in the cheek and steel my tires and sell the rubber. This is not a gift session, it's a lecture. When you threaten a litigation it scares people. More creepy people. is this a homeless convention? Delilah is a hoot and has a son with Polio. Children are not born with diseases that their mothers didn't give them. That woman did that to her child. More scary people. People with ugly faces should not have children. There should be a standard. I am a celebrity but sometimes I just want people to go away, especially people with big noses.

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Produced by Mark Baratelli