On the phone with a distraught client last week, I was reminded of the assumptions we make and how doing this holds us back. The stress from these assumptions can put our stomach in knots - only to find out later the situation was a simple misunderstanding. You have to advocate for yourself if you want more opportunities. 

Most of the time this stems from poor communication and doubting ourselves. A lethal combination.

We default to “my boss doesn’t respect me anymore” “she doesn’t think I’m cut out for this” or  “I’m not enough for my boss even though I’m killing myself working 60-70 hour work weeks.”

Here’s my client’s story:

Julie (name changed), SVP, was told by her boss (C-level role, who she has a solid relationship with) that she didn’t want Julie on a project anymore (communicating via Slack).

Julie immediately thought her boss didn’t trust or respect her, and started ruminating:

“How could this be? She’s always praised me for my work. What is this about? Why is she doing this? Does she think I’m incompetent?”

Julie wasn’t going to address it (problem #1!) because of her fear of what she would hear. 

In their next conversation, her boss revealed the reason she wanted her off that project: to give her greater visibility on a bigger project! 

This was completely unexpected, and cleared everything up with a simple conversation.

Anything similar ever happened to you? And what advice would you offer Julie if this were to happen again?

Let’s look at some lessons from this.

1. We can’t control our boss’s behavior (saying that over Slack?! Come on, now), but we can control our own. At minimum, say something, such as “Hey, boss, what was your reasoning for taking me off that project?” or “help me understand your logic…” Before getting all tied up in knots with assumptions, address it head on. You’ll likely find out helpful information that clears a lot up before you go losing more sleep.
2. Tell your boss what you need. “Boss, if you have important direction to offer regarding new or revised responsibilities, I’d like to get that information in a conversation rather than a message over Slack or email. Does that work for you?” And depending on your relationship, you could say “Hearing that in Slack with no context made me think you might have an issue with my performance, so being able to hear it in conversation would be beneficial.” or “Hearing that in Slack left me with more questions…”
3. Know your triggers and respond appropriately. If you are naturally bent toward questioning yourself or thinking you’re the problem (would love to help you overcome this, btw!), be aware of that when you get a message that doesn’t land well. Ask another trusted colleague, friend or coach how they would’ve received it. That objective perspective can be incredibly insightful. For someone who isn’t triggered the same way you are, the message will be received differently. We all hold baggage from our past that informs our present.

Always remember that no one will care as much about your career as YOU do, so you have to advocate for yourself. Don’t expect anyone else to, and when you ask, ask with confidence.

Karen Laos, Communication Expert and Confidence Cultivator, leverages 25 years in the boardroom and speaking on the world’s most coveted stages such as Google and NASA to transform missed opportunities into wins. She is fiercely committed to her mission of eradicating self-doubt in 10 million women by giving them practical strategies to ask for what they want in the boardroom and beyond. She guides corporations and individuals with her tested communication model to generate consistent results through her Powerful Presence Keynote: How to Be an Influential Communicator.

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