How To Stay Sane In A Crazy World

Safety and Security - Page 28 of the book - 'How To Stay Sane In A Crazy World'

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Family and Community Connections

Whilst shelter is essential to safety, in this book, we are  predominantly concerned with feeling safe.  Safety Needs include our natural desire for our world to be ordered, predictable and within our control. 

Today, feeling safe would include feeling safe and secure with the people within our home, at school and in the workplace, as well as feeling secure in our job, finances and even our health.

"When we feel unsafe, we are continually on edge. Our brain chemistry is swamped with stress hormones to the point where we cannot think, learn or socialize normally. Safety feelings can be negatively impacted by marriage problems, workplace insecurity and financial worries. If these issues are not resolved we cannot move up the Maslow scale to a state of well-being."

The Mind - Page 29 of the book - 'How To Stay Sane In A Crazy World'

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Mind explains our caveman-like responses to stress, the responses we learn in childhood to relieve that stress or shame, how we carry those same responses into adulthood, and ways we can deal with our shame.

"Actually, we are not far removed from our basic 'Survival At Any Cost' caveman programming. As we become socialized, we are taught to modify our initial reactions to stressful situations.

It's when we are 'Running On Empty' that our lower nature is exposed for all to see. When we run out of resilience we quickly return to 'Survival Mode' and act like tired and hungry toddlers".

Safety In A Tribe - Page 31 of the book - 'How To Stay Sane In A Crazy World

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We Feel Safe When We Belong To A Tribe

A young child relies on its parents to provide for their needs. Children learn to expect and rely on their parent to be a source of warmth, provision and comfort. As the child grows, they learn to trust that their needs will be met.

Our first sense of belonging is with our parents, yet all throughout life we continue to seek belonging. We belong to a kindy or a school. We join a sporting club, craft or music group. We all have an innate need to belong - to 'fit' somewhere. A supportive and well-managed home, school or work environment is good for our mental health. We feel safe where we can grow in autonomy, in learning to do for ourselves, to develop self-control and to understand our limits and responsibilities. In a safe environment, we even feel safe to fail and try again.

People who only do as they are told, who are always forced to follow the rules, live in fear and are the ones who end up suffering the most. Our feelings of control, stress, and our ability to perform at our best, are all directly tied to how safe we feel in our tribe. "Feeling unsafe around those we expect to feel safe with - those in our tribes, our carers, our peers - fundamentally violates the laws of nature and how we were designed to live.” Simon Sinek

"When you look closely at the ethic groups represented in many football teams, it becomes apparent that they would all belong to other tribes based on their country of origin. It is not inconceivable that if they were not bonding in their sporting team they might all be opponents on the streets of a big city. We are designed to look for safety and protection from our common interest groups."

The Still Face Experiment - Page 33 of the book - 'How To Stay Sane In A Crazy World'

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Building Strong Foundations

We know that healthy relationships between children and caregivers are important for building strong brains. Starting with newborns, a responsive child-caregiver bond builds a strong foundation for development through "serve and return" interactions.

Watch the Still Face Video

"Serve and return" works like a game of tennis or volleyball between child and caregiver. The child “serves” by reaching out for interaction with eye contact, facial expressions, gestures, babbling or touch. A responsive caregiver will “return the serve” by speaking back, playing peekaboo, or sharing a toy or a laugh. These back and forth exchanges are the building blocks of children's early brain development. They help children learn how to control their emotions, to cope with stress, and to learn skills that will serve as a foundation for later development. A caregiver who is sensitive and responsive to a young child’s signals will provide an environment rich in "serve and return" experiences.

Quality Time

It is important to build quality time for children and loved ones into our day. Connection doesn't require a certain quantity of time, it relies on the quality of the time spent together. Be aware of and seize precious moments that present themselves to connect with each other. Some of the best options for quality times are at meal times and bed times, at the start and end of the day. Managing our own stress is also important, an unstressed caregiver has a greater positive impact on a child's well being. "Serve and return" is essential to all relational well-being.

Still Faced Technology and Virtual Autism

A generation is becoming so addicted to social technology that they are “virtually autistic” and unable to be stimulated in the real world, according to one of the world’s foremost brain experts.

During typical face-to-face meetings, only 10 per cent of communication comes from spoken words. Baroness Greenfield found that "people growing up as native users of Facebook and other social media are losing the ability to use the other 90 per cent of communication that comes through visual and other queues which impact their interpersonal skills. This might lead to autistic-like traits … and we are going to have what is now increasingly called  ‘virtual autism’: an impairment of interpersonal skills due to excessive use of screens and not enough rehearsal of face-to-face interactions.”

Trauma - Page 36 of the book - 'How To Stay Sane In A Crazy World'

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TRAUMA -  An Overwhelming Amount of Stress that Exceeds One's Ability to Cope

What happens when a child serves and no one steps up to return the ball? Over time, failing to respond when a child reaches out will weaken brain architecture and impair the development of skills, abilities, behaviour and health. Some children are deprived of "serve-and-return" experiences due to chaotic environments, violence in the home, or caregivers struggling with a mental health problem or addiction.

Because responsive relationships are both expected and essential, their absence is a serious threat to a child’s development and well-being. Healthy brain architecture depends on a sturdy foundation built by appropriate input from a child’s senses and stable, responsive relationships with caring adults. If an adult’s responses to a child are unreliable, inappropriate, or simply absent, the developing architecture of the brain may be disrupted, and subsequent physical, mental, and emotional health may be impaired. The persistent absence of "serve and return" interaction acts as a “double whammy” for healthy development: not only does the brain not receive the positive stimulation it needs, but the body’s stress response is activated, flooding the developing brain with potentially harmful stress hormones.

Reactions to Trauma - Page 37 of the book - 'How To Stay Sane In A Crazy World'

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Basic Operating System

The four infant behavioural responses identified as a means of seeking the parent's care and attention in the 'Still Face' video were the Fake Cough, Self Comforting, a Loss of Control and Withdrawal. These behaviours develop in varying degrees as we grow and can become Sicknesses, Addictions or Co-dependency, Violence and Isolation. We learn to respond in unhealthy ways, hoping for some response or relief from the pain of not connecting in healthy ways. This generally creates a negative mindset which reinforces our feeling bad.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick." Perhaps that is why many people raised in dysfunctional homes have faced despair and depression at some time in their lives. In a dysfunctional home, a person with an addiction problem NUMBS his or her feelings with a chemical or behaviour, and the Co-dependent spouse DENIES their feelings. As a result, the child learns to SUPPRESS NORMAL EMOTIONS and denies the need to be comforted by anyone.

The child begins a life that is based on a feeling that nothing can be done, of hopelessness and powerlessness. The child learns the unwritten rules of the dysfunctional family: Don't talk! Don't trust! Don't feel! Don't think! However, many of these children will grow up to be over-achievers and appear quite successful in the early years of their lives; yet, they will struggle with feelings of low self-worth and have difficulty in relationships. They very often find it hard to believe that anyone could love them.

They attempt to seek approval by frantically serving their parents, family or community; only to experience "burn out" because they give too much of themselves away. Some will not survive well. They will become addictive or develop some other form of compulsive or rebellious behaviour.

Shame Is The Engine - Page 39 of the book - 'How To Stay Sane In A Crazy World'

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Traditional psychoanalytic theory focuses directly or indirectly on the object of addiction: alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, work or relationships. Healing comes when it is realised that it is not so much the object of addiction that is paramount, but the process that permits the attachment to develop. Shame-based syndromes are usually at the root of this process. They begin in childhood when "normal" development is interrupted and becomes twisted or pathological.

The trigger can be sexual or physical abuse or another broadscale trauma. Often it is more discreet, such as when a parent is detached and not providing assurance to the child that he or she is loved, respected, cared for and appreciated. The child may sense that they are not worthy or significant in the family and therefore insignificant in the scheme of life. They may grow with the self-perception that they are damaged.

Some become co-dependent or seek endlessly to please someone else in an effort to appear "significant". This people-pleasing may become especially evident in the workplace. These people are desperate to be seen as "good workers". In reality, they are unwittingly being driven by two key aspects of what is known as "disgrace shame": self-blame and self-criticism. Their hidden critic whispers: "I should have always mastered everything". As their pain deepens, they live in a state of "dis-ease". They stumble into friendships and relationships, and test activities and boundaries at random. Some of these pursuits will be satisfied in a season, only to be replaced by others that are more problematic, such as the desire to oppose authority (oppositional personality disorder) or to take up smoking, drugs, alcohol, gambling, antisocial and unsafe sexual behaviours or violence.

Addiction reduces pain, temporarily making deep-seated, negative feelings bearable; but it reproduces shame and constantly reactivates the shame cycle. Anything can become addictive, yet shame and guilt are different. Guilt involves self-judgments about specific acts. Shame involves a generalised concept of a negative self. Shame, along with distress, is the source of depression.

Revealing Shame Starts The Healing - Page 43 of the book - 'How To Stay Sane In A Crazy World'

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Facing The Pain

We have learnt to cope by suppressing our emotions and our pain. The healing of shame happens as we learn to appropriately express our feelings and problems. We admit to ourselves, "I have a problem". We become aware of what we do to cope. We talk to another person about it, a counsellor or a safe and trusted friend, in a safe place where we can be honest with ourselves and the other person. This person will listen to us and help us recognise, observe and share our emotions. We realise that feelings do not always require a response. Feelings are not always trustworthy. They will pass and we can let them go. We can grow, live responsibly and have self-worth. We can forgive and be forgiven.

Guilt and shame is the way we are built to respond to 'wrong doing'. We all have a conscience: something inside that tells us right from wrong. Sometimes wrong is done to us, other times we do wrong and sometimes stuff just happens, but guilt and shame are emotions that we must look at to discover how to heal and live a whole life. What we do with them is what is important. All emotion is healthy when it is directed appropriately.

We biologically grow closer when we come together to achieve, to get something done and to share our hardships. Trust begins to emerge when we have a sense that another person is driven by things other than their own self-gain. With trust comes a sense of value: real value for who we are.

Feeling Leads To Healing - Page 41 of the book - 'How To Stay Sane In A Crazy World'

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Guilt and shame is the way we are built to respond to 'wrong doing'. We all have a conscience: something inside that tells us right from wrong. Sometimes wrong is done to us, other times we do wrong and sometimes stuff just happens, but guilt and shame are emotions that we must look at to discover how to heal and live a whole life. What we do with them is what is important. All emotion is healthy when it is directed appropriately.

A child (and we all) needs at least one dependable, significant adult in their life. Everyone deserves self worth and the dignity of their own thoughts and opinions. When we listen to another person, it means that what they say matters, more importantly, they matter. If we've been 'shut up' for years, we shut down our creativity and confidence. We all need attention.

Disconnection - Page 40 of the book - 'How To Stay Sane In A Crazy World'

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We biologically grow closer when we come together to achieve, to get something done and to share our hardships. Trust begins to emerge when we have a sense that another person is driven by things other than their own self-gain. With trust comes a sense of value: real value for who we are.

"Value, by definition, is the transference of trust. You can’t convince someone you have value, just as you can’t convince someone to trust you. You have to earn trust by communicating and demonstrating that you share the same values and beliefs."

Simon Sinek

"I lived for so long with my secrets that I was always in fear of discovery and never felt real peace. I lived with the thought that if people knew the real me, they would leave me and I would have to face abandonment again.

A real relationship is based on intimacy - 'In To Me I See' and 'In To Me I Allow You To See'. Once we expose our flaws to a safe person, we can learn to live honestly with the 'real us'. Someone in my journey told me, 'whatever you bury alive, stays alive - AND GROWS.' How true that was for me. When you face the pain, you get the new life!"