How to Survive

It's episode 140... and Man, if I could travel through time, I'd timeportal my ass to the Bahamas.

Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (2014) tells the story of three teenagers who experience paranormal activity taking place around their home. Luckily, they film everything with handheld video cameras, so we get to watch it play out in all its predictable, preposterous glory. We discuss the dangers of using the wrong weapons to ambush gang members; the importance of questioning the brief before taking on a 'muscle' contract; and the merits of cycling as a primary means of transport.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Can I get a kiss on the cheek? The thing is, my cheek is right above my testicles.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

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It's an episode which falls between episodes 139 and 140...

Perhaps you're hungry for Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones... well if you're that hungry, you can go eat your sh*t...

The Babadook (2014) tells the story of Amelia, a woman raising her son alone after her husband is killed. Coping with grief, isolation and an unruly child takes its toll on Amelia, and her life begins to be invaded by the sinister leading character from a particularly unpleasant pop-up book. We discuss the benefits of using the emergency services during an emergency; the iconic words 'woof for help'; and the dangers of staying up late watching horror movies. Oh the irony... Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: If it's in a word or it's in a look, you can't get rid of the How to Survive Podcast.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

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It's episode 139... and what are they? It's pretty goddamn obvious what they are. Lab coats, badges, THOSE PEOPLE USED TO WORK HERE!

Resident Evil (2002) tells the story of a crack-team of mercenaries who are sent into the headquarters of the shady 'Umbrella Corporation' following the leak of a biological weapon. The new virus appears to be able to reanimate the dead, creating an unstoppable killing machine. Will the team escape before it's too late? We discuss some very basic logical flaws in the failsafe systems of an international weapons manufacturer; the limitations of a sympathetic AI, and the benefits of just jumping vertically in the air and kicking your would-be killers in the face. Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Even in death the human body still is active. Hair and finger nails continue to grow, new cells are produced, and the brain itself holds a small electrical charge that takes months to dissipate.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

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It's episode 138...and you messed with the wrong podcast.

Tomb Raider (2018) tells the story of Lara Croft. Ten years after the mysterious disappearance of her father, Lara finds out where he might have ended up - and sets off on a mission to find him. Along the way she gets caught up in a conspiracy she couldn't have imagined - and will have to fight to survive. We discuss the importance of relaying clear safety plans; shooting first and never asking questions; and never visiting spooky islands under any circumstances. Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Daddy loves you.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

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It's episode 137...and it's not destroying...it's making something new.

Annihilation (2018) tells the story of Lena, a biologist whose husband returns from a mysterious military mission only to fall gravely ill shortly afterwards. In order to save him, she joins an expedition following in her husband's footsteps to 'The Shimmer', a strange, expanding, luminescent cloud engulfing a coastal region in Florida. Will she discover the key to her husband's survival...or something much more unsettling? We discuss prisms; offer witticisms and criticisms; pick through unreliable narrators and unreal nature; and, most importantly, bring criminal proceedings on whoever decided not to give this film a theatrical release in the UK. Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: You'd sure as hell call it a pathology if you saw this in a human. Annihilation is still in cinemas in the US and available on Netflix worldwide. Next week we sift through the bones of Tomb Raider (2018).

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

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It's episode 136... and my old scoutmaster used to say 'If the shortcut was a shortcut, it wouldn't be called a shortcut, it would be called a route'.

The Ritual (2017) tells the story of four friends who travel into the Swedish mountains to commemorate the loss of their close friend. During the trip, one of the group becomes injured, and they decide to take a 'short cut' to civilisation through a forest. Before long, unexpected and unsettling things begin to happen, and they realise they are in rather severe danger.

We talk about the merits of eschewing sentimentality; the importance of knee exercises; and that foundational travel trip: never stray from the beaten path under any circumstances ever.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Mate, no one's ever been to Belgium by choice. What are you on about? What's in Belgium?

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

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It's episode 135... and somewhere in the world, the wrong pig met up with the wrong bat.

Contagion (2011) tells the story of a number of separate people who are all linked by their involvement in the outbreak of a deadly disease. Researchers, World Health Organisation workers, Conspiracy theorists and everyday people (played by a star-studded cast) are in a race against time to save the world from the spread of a fatal virus.

We talk about the benefits of a vegan diet; the importance of washing your hands; and the sure-fire safety of walking around all the time in a home-made hazmat suit.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: My wife makes me take off my clothes in the garage. Then she leaves out a bucket of warm water and some soap. And then she douses everything in hand sanitizer after I leave.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

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It's episode 134... and this is how we fix problem in the Russian space station!

Armageddon (1998) tells the story of Harry Stamper and his crew of high-testosterone, middle-American, low-rate oil rig workers. After a meteor the size of Texas is detected, headed towards earth, the crew are trained as astronauts and sent into space so they can drill into the asteroid and blow it up with nuclear bombs.

No, really.

We talk about the mismatch in on-the-job training given to oil rig workers in comparison to astronauts; the questionable decision to give the highest level of clearance to a civilian with two horses in the race; and the benefits of falling in love with your boss's daughter.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I am not crazy! I'm just a little emotional right now, ok? Ya'll throwing all this stuff at me, man! Look, I mean, after this is over, can I like get a hug from you or something?

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

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It's episode 133 and we're going to get you. We're going to get you. Not another peep. Time to go to sleep.

The Evil Dead (1981) tells the story of four students who head to a cabin in the woods to celebrate spring break. Before long, they accidentally uncover a magic book, and accidentally raise the dead. As if thats not bad enough, the dead they raise is evil! Will they make it out alive?

We talk about the a common-sense approach to nighttime safety; the benefits of chopping up your dead life partner with a chainsaw; and the importance of remembering you can punch holes in wood, when you're trapped in a wooden structure.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I fear that the only way to stop those possessed by the spirits of the book is through the act of... bodily dismemberment.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

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It's episode 132 and this is an accident, a forgotten, perpetual public works project. You think anybody wants to ask questions? All they want is a clear conscience and a fat paycheck.

Cube (1997) tells the story of a group of people who are trapped in a gigantic cube, made of thousands of smaller cubes. A large number of the cubes are filled with dreadful booby traps. Will they put their differences aside to escape? Do the numbers on the floor indicate the route forward?

We talk about the importance of group unity; whether correlation equates to causation when it comes to being named; and the importance of keeping a cool head in the face of violent coercion.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I'm just a guy, I work in an office building doing office building stuff. I wasn't exactly bursting with joie de vivre before I got here, life just sucks in general.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! [email protected]

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod