BUT WHY? You think if you can just understand what happened in your relationship, you can manage your emotions and put things back together. You won’t have to deal with loss or disappointment because you will make it work. If you can just understand why you were cheated on, broken up with, or treated badly, you can become the person he/she needs you to be. The problem with “understanding” is it is mental in nature, and a way of avoiding your emotions. Instead of sacrificing yourself to be what the other person wants, look at the feelings you’re afraid to deal with.

Let’s say you’re walking on eggshells in your marriage, never asking what’s wrong because you’re afraid your spouse will ask for a divorce. Then you learn he/she has cheated on you. You fight back tears in an effort to understand so you can save your marriage. You’re terrified of loss and think that if you can figure out what happened, you can fix things. But at what cost? If you alter your behavior to be someone you’re not, you’ve sacrificed yourself for a dysfunctional relationship. You can understand all you want, but it doesn’t put you in control of the situation or give you what you want. The more you sit with your feelings and embrace what you’re afraid of losing, the better you will feel.