It’s one thing to know intellectually you can’t change people, but it’s different to actually feel and accept it. Even if you tell yourself they’re never going to change, you can still find yourself angry because you want things to be different. You want THEM to be different. Maybe you unleash your hurt, sadness, pain, etc. on them through punishment. But it’s less about them and more about what you struggle with yourself.

Let’s say your mom doesn’t like your spouse after 20 years of marriage and refuses to come over for holidays because of it. You want to kill her because it’s an issue every year, but you still invite her because it’s the “right” thing to do. It triggers old feelings so you scream at her when she tells you she isn’t coming to unleash your anger and frustration. You want to make her understand, but it’s fruitless.

Lashing out provides temporary relief, but it doesn’t address the underlying issue. Instead, find your pain and ask what will make it better. Getting to a place of emotional acceptance will give you a sense of peace so you can stop putting energy into wishing things were different. When you hold onto hope that someone will change, you give them power over your emotional state. Look at what you want from this person that you’re not getting and why. What will it do for you? Why do you need it? Then connect with your deeper pain and give what you need to yourself. Your healing begins and ends with you.