March 08, 2018

IHGB #42 -- Bachelor Arie Finale and After the Final Rose

54 minutes

We made it through another season. Arie’s finale was a doozie. After the Final Rose was a hot mess. I’m sure it met every expectation ABC anticipated for the big event. There was a jilted bride, a girl power moment, speculation, a bland “apology,” very little closure, a reunion, an engagement, a new bachelorette announcement, a banjo, a few chaches, and a horse.

What more could we ask for?

A lot. There’s a lot more we can ask. And here’s a list:

Why did Arie tell Becca that he has “been in her shoes.” Uh, no ya haven’t, mister. Emily did not propose to you five years ago. You were the Lauren in this scenario. Jack wagon.

Did ABC not have enough miles to upgrade Becca to business class? Or something other than the middle seat? I know she probably booked her flight last minute, considering the turn of events, but geez.

Should Becca be her own wind keeper and burn the Polaroids of Arie?

Is watching old videos from Peru the best way to spend time on your b-roll footage?

Can someone hand the woman a Kleenex for crying out loud?

Is there any reason to feel sorry for Lauren?

Does Baby Bekah own a shirt?

Do we believe that Arie is manipulative like Tia says?

Why did Arie get down on one knee if he wasn’t sure the morning of the proposal?

Can Harrison pull off the term “bonehead” without sounding like an old man?

What did Baby Bekah mean when she said that Arie “had a choice” to end the relationship with Becca on camera?

Do you think Kendall kept her stuffed bride rat after seeing this mess unfold before her eyes?

What’s up with the timeline and should I care at this point?

Was it Becca’s intent to channel Wonder Woman with her gold dress? To show she’s a strong woman? With an invisible plane?

Do we all call BS on Becca telling Harrison that she appreciates having her breakup aired live in front of the world because it helps her get closure?

Is this what DAMAGE CONTROL looks like in the ABC PR department?

Will Arie live in the same house with Lauren that he already picked out with Becca?

How long did it take for the ABC Intern to hang those strategically placed billboards?

Who are these people contributing to Becca’s Venmo account?

Isn’t it cool that Becca is giving all the money ($6,000) to Stand Up For Cancer?

Can’t ABC do a little better than matching six grand?

Did they give all their spare cash to Arie to propose on national television?

Do you think Becca will give some of the serious cash ABC paid her to be the next bachelorette to Stand Up For Cancer?

Why can’t Arie answer the questions Becca asks him?

How can Becca be that calm, cool, and collected when he’s staring at her like that?

Why is Kendall weeping in Baby Bekah’s arms? Is she over tired? Will Bekah be able to hold her up?

Did Arie really admit that he felt pressure as the bachelor to propose?

Why do I still feel an ick emotion when I see Mesnick?

Do you assume Arie suggested Lauren not watch the finale because it paints him in a horrendous, dirty brown light?

Did Lauren notice that Chris Harrison was right beside her as she whisked by him into the protective arms of her boyfriend? How did she not smell him?

Does everyone understand that these two crazy kids are going to make it because she’s the one person in the world who can tell him from the bottom of her heart that she thinks he did the right thing?

How many different ways can Arie say, “It was worth it.”

How much time is an appropriate amount of time to let pass before proposing to another woman?

Should you propose on national TV when your ex-fiancé is in the other room?

Did Arie use the same ring for Lauren as he did for Becca?

Do you think the ABC Intern used a blender to mix up some margaritas to distract Becca from overhearing Arie ask Lauren to marry him?

Who were the boneheads in the audience who clapped during the proposal?

Am I making bonehead the new fetch? Am I weird for wanting to make that happen? Does that make me old?

How many ex-girlfriends can sit on one couch?

How many nether regions did the entire first row see?

What exactly does the ABC contract entail?

Do you sign your life away forever? Or just until the elasticity gives out on your face?

Will the majority of Becca’s beaus be of the chach variety?

Why am I suddenly drawn to the banjo? And the dude playing it?

Is there any way home boy will NOT hoist Becca up on that horse?

How much glitter goes into a glitter bomb?

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By I Hate Green Beans with Lincee Ray

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