Lockdowns have helped some families stay healthy while separating others, and social distancing has isolated many people from their regular support networks. In the last episode of the Lessons From The Pandemic season, Petrina and Laurindo speak to Ching Shuyi who had to put her wedding plans on hold and Jean Chong who surveyed the mental health impact of Covid 19 on LGBTQ people. The artist in residence for this episode is musician Candice De Rozario from Sangriento.
Find out more in the show notes.
Laurindo Garcia: [00:00:00] Welcome to another episode of Inclusively. In this series, we're asking, how is the pandemic changed people's lives? And what lessons have we learned that could make a post pandemic world more inclusive? I'm your host, Laurindo Garcia.
Petrina Kow: [00:00:14] And I'm Petrina Kow. In today's episode will be putting the spotlight on relationships, how we've, I suppose, survived or not. Our relationships with our families and loved ones during this lockdown.
Laurindo Garcia: [00:00:29] We'll be looking at how we've people have searched for love in a time when we've had to be socially distant from each other in order to stay healthy and also examine how relationships still may be facing challenges even after the pandemic is over.
Petrina Kow: [00:00:44] And as course with with every episode, we have a panel of special guests. And today. Today we'll be. They'll be here to help us explore the theme from various different perspectives. We'll be hearing from Miss Shuyi Ching, who got engaged last year. And this year was all about, you know, wedding planning and going out there and searching for, you know, venues. But clearly, things might have just, you know, changed somewhat. So we really look forward to your story there, Shuyi. Hi, welcome.
Shuyi Ching: [00:01:14] Hello. Hi everybody. I'm Shuyi.
Laurindo Garcia: [00:01:17] And also I'll be sharing a story, my own story as well, talking a little bit about my own experience in Singapore and what the impact of the pandemic has been on my life. My relationship also with my husband and us caring for my 90 year old mother in law who has dealing with late stage dementia as well, and what it's meant for us as a couple. I'll also be speaking to Jean Chong, the founder of the LGBT organisation called Sayoni. Jean we'll be sharing a new research that she, her organisation has gathered on the impact of the pandemic on the LGBT community. Welcome, Jean,
Jean Chong: [00:01:52] Hey everyone.
Petrina Kow: [00:01:53] Thanks, Jean. And our artists in residents for this episode is Candice De Rozario, who will be also giving her perspective in the world of online dating and offer us a song to wrap up the show. So glad to have you with us today Candice, welcome.
Candice De Rozario: [00:02:07] Thank you. Hi everyone. This is Candice. Artist in residence. That actually has a really nice ring to it? I've never been called that before.
Petrina Kow: [00:02:14] We like to have that every with every episode. So we always have something, you know, that we can offer to our listeners. Thank you so much, all of you, for joining us today. But let's kick off the show today with you, Shuyi. Thanks for joining us. And I'm so I'm a bit bummed that we couldn't have your fiancee to join join us, too. But he is also artist in residence at nine years, theater and training very hard at the moment. Now, both of you, I guess, are. Well, showbiz power couple, in a way, right so both of you are actors. We've seen on stage together. And I suppose love blossomed. And you got engaged last year. So congratulations.
Shuyi Ching: [00:03:00] Thank you. Thank you. Yes, we did. Yeah.
Petrina Kow: [00:03:02] And and I guess when this year when things were supposed to pick up for you guys and, you know, you're planning to get married and, you know, start your family together and then the lockdown happened. So tell us a little bit about what the decision would have was like with the two of you. So not quite married yet, but about to. But now what do we do? Yeah. What don't you tell us?
Shuyi Ching: [00:03:27] Yeah, we got engaged last year and then the plan was that we finally set a wedding date for next year and 2021. So we were thinking of going to different venues. We were even thinking going to Malaysia to source out wedding venues, and that that was the idea. We were planning to go in March and we had our plane ticket booked, our accommodation booked, and then the lockdown happened, which we had to had everything refunded. Because both of our families are right here and right now in station Singapore. And my parents came back from China and are stuck here. I have a grandmother at home that I have to take care of. So I think that was the biggest reason why we chose to stay with our families. And I think it's quite an important time to be with your families so that, you know, everybody knows that we're all safe. And then when the circuit breaker period happened, our PM Lee saying, we shouldn't visit everybody. I guess when you have an elderly person at home, I think that's more of a more mature thing to do.
Petrina Kow: [00:04:43] Yeah. And I mean, so but but did you all have conversations at all about oh maybe how about I go and stay with your family? Or you come move in with my family like did that, that ever happen?
Shuyi Ching: [00:04:54] Have, have, have. I definitely have like we did talk about it but because I think. A lot of our lives or a lot of the things that we own or we need are in our individual homes. It's still makes more sense that we still live in our respective places so that we're within this period, whatever we wanted to do, whatever we want it to, you know, to create or whatnot in this period. We have the things we need in our respective spaces rather than moving everything there or vice versa.
Petrina Kow: [00:05:32] And so what has it been like? Because literally you have not physically been close to him for two months now or longer. Right. Do you guys have a calendar where you're, like, marking down the days?
Shuyi Ching: [00:05:45] No, I know it's it's definitely hard. I think, you know, if you know how different couples have different love languages and different way of communicating and stuff like that, for us, I think being there physically is a very big love language for us and being. And, you know, like so I guess like hugging each other and stuff like that. So I think that that's the hardest thing. In our relationship. And you know that this period hasn't it hasn't given it, given us that.
Shuyi Ching: [00:06:22] But was there was there anything that, you know, in this two month period of sort of physical separation that sort of surprised you? Like, how did your relationship either, like, sort of like what what was sort of interesting or surprising about this period for you guys?
Shuyi Ching: [00:06:39] The surprising part is that, you know, even we're not physically there or here for each other. We still we still talk a lot like we Face Time every other two hours. Sounds like a lot, but it really isn't.
Petrina Kow: [00:07:04] Young love. I thought you say every two days because it's like I look at my my texts with my husband and I'm like, oh, I have to scroll very far down before his name comes up. This is is a, you know, 20 years married at nine different. Wonderful. And then. So I think because of this period of separation, was there something that developed in your relationship that you had that you both sort of discovered?
Shuyi Ching: [00:07:37] Yeah. I mean, before I think we would always be slightly more dependent on one another. I think we still are. But I think we've grown kinda a different way of dependency, whereas you could be independent physically by yourself. But at the same time, you know, thinking about the other person. Yeah. Or whenever you need something or whether it's tangible or intangible, you could say he will always be there or she will always be there.
Petrina Kow: [00:08:08] I hope you guys get to see each other soon.
Shuyi Ching: [00:08:10] I hope so, too. I really do.
Petrina Kow: [00:08:13] Did you did you dream this moment? Like, do you like sort of think about what's the first thing you'll do when you see when you see him again?
Shuyi Ching: [00:08:21] Well, the first thing that Tim wants to do is to go and eat. He wants to have hot pot right away and then this period and it's so bad, something he misses quite a bit.
Petrina Kow: [00:08:35] Well, I do remember when I was a, you know, as a student back in the day and and I remember being separated from my boyfriend for like almost six months. And then, you know, I remember when I was returning back to Sydney then and he was coming up, coming to pick me up at the airport, just like I was like playing this movie in my head about like what it was, what it was like to sort of, you know, come out the gates with the luggage and with the first thing I do be like to run or do I drop my bags or do I bring my bags for us? And do I hug or do I kiss or like what does it do? I do you know, it's like this whole movie that plays Oh oh young love. I do love such a nice reminder of of, you know, that beautiful blossoming, you know, love that, you know, in the beginnings of relationship that that is so all consuming and so beautiful. Yeah. So thanks for sharing that, Shuyi. Thank you. So now it's my turn to kind of like turn the turn the tables a little. And usually at this point, my co-host, Mr. Laurindo Garcia, will be, you know, interviewing other people. But we're turning the spotlight on him today. And, you know, I think this is a this is an important story that I've been I've been wanting and meaning to to sort of get out there at some point. And I remember way back when Laurindo you remember when you asked me to host close this podcast with you? I said, I'll do it if only you will tell your story. So we're finally doing it on the last episode.
Laurindo Garcia: [00:10:19] I do remember that. So we are living up to that promise. Yes.
Petrina Kow: [00:10:25] Yeah. Tell us a little about your story, because we know you're here and you're married to your partner and your husband, Alan, and both of you are helping to look after your mother in law. But you're, you know, for most, you know, sort of married couples, maybe it's kind of a straightforward story. Right. But for you guys, it's not so straightforward a story. So tell us what what it is that you've you've been sort of dealing with when you were talking about airports.
Laurindo Garcia: [00:10:55] And also Shuyi was talking about, you know, having to feel that Face Timing and messaging is enough for tending the relationship. I was smiling because I've been with my husband together for 16 years. And the majority of the time we have been apart long distance because I'm a foreigner and I don't I don't live permanently in Singapore. And we'll get to the reasons why that is in a minute. But this time, I've been in Singapore since the middle of March. I came back quickly from the United States after doing a project in the US and had to leave ahead of schedule because of the unfolding pandemic in the United States and had to get out of the unites us and was intending only to have a pitstop. You're in Singapore on the way back to Australia, which is where I'm from. That pitstop of a couple of weeks has then expanded to four months. And in the 16 years that I have been together, we haven't been in the same country for four months. I don't think ever. Because I basically need to go in and out over the country or have been living in other parts of the world because I'm only able to come in on short term visits to see Alan and spend time or we meet in other countries. And in a way, the pandemic has been a blessing in disguise because on this supposes, you know, the supposedly short trip. Alan's mum, she turned 90 two weeks ago, was diagnosed as terminally ill. She's been dealing. We all as a family have been dealing with her living with dementia for quite a number of years. And it's quite an advance stage at this time. And we've finally got to a point where the doctors had diagnosed her as terminally ill and it's time for her to start home based palliative care. And that's a big transition, not only in terms of the way that the house operates, but also just mentally. We're really trying to having to shift our mindset for this this eventuality that we don't know when will happen, but we know it's going to happen sooner rather than later. And so while it's great that we've been able to be physically together to help navigate this change, at the same time, we're also wondering, well, what's going to happen? Because I do need to leave. I just applied for an extension because I'm unable to leave Singapore right now because there's no flights, even if I wanted to leave. I can't leave because there are there are no flights. But there will come a time when I will need to leave, probably in a month's time with six weeks time or so. And in one scenario, could be that when I leave and if she's still with us when I leave, if that is the case, when I leave, I will not be able to say goodbye. If she passes while I'm away, because all if you've been reading the news and they've been looking, there've been questions raised about what is going to happen with the with the travel. Global travel situation. You know, if there's one thing that is certain with this pandemic is this chorus of people saying international travel is not going to ease up for quite a long time, people won't be able to travel as as freely and easily. And even the best case scenario is that I can come back to Singapore for another visit, but I will be what I will be in on quarantine, in quarantine for 14 days, which won't be much use if I'm coming back trying to come back for a funeral anyway. So it kind of defeats the purpose. So that's the kind of situation that we've been grappling with. And I'm kind of in limbo, but kind of liking it at the same time. And lots of questions have surfaced as a result of this.
Petrina Kow: [00:15:02] So there's a lot of uncertainty is what I'm hearing. And I mean, if I could rewind back to when you said I you're gonna have to leave eventually, is that because your your likely literally your time is up, meaning you have an end date to when you cannot actually be legally in this country or something?
Laurindo Garcia: [00:15:20] That's right. That's right. Each visit I'm a short, short time visit, short time visitor. I can only stay for for 90 days on the passport that I'm holding, which is great. I mean, some people are not even allowed 90 days. And usually I don't stay for that long because I've got other commitments in, you know, back in Australia or in other projects in other parts of the world. I don't work in Singapore. My all of my work is overseas right now. I'm out of work because all of my projects have been cancelled because of the pandemic. So right now, thankfully, I've got a I've got time to do podcasts and things like that and also spend time with mom. But yeah, usually for us, the norm is here. We see each other for a couple of weeks and then it's face time.
Petrina Kow: [00:16:11] So what's that been like? Because I mean, I know of some couples who also do this international thing and like sometimes when they're in the same place for an extended period of time, like interesting things happen with them. So now that you said that this has been the longest time that you both have been in the same house. Like, what was what was some interesting discoveries that you had
Laurindo Garcia: [00:16:11] Of any time to try to to be in the same location and also be at home 24 hours a day, seven days a week because of the lockdown down? The circuit breaker has really been an eye opener. And and I. And, you know, we see this as a as a treat. We've been enjoying it. We've been, you know, really appreciating just having each other at arm's length when we feel like having a conversation or just being there for each other as as all of these uncertainties have unfolded. We could not have arrived at this level of appreciation had it not been for all of that separation being the norm previously. So I think we are counting our blessings. But at the same time, we know that this is also short lived. So we better make the most about most of it while we've got it.
Petrina Kow: [00:17:27] Well, I hope that, you know, the the reason for you staying or going is no longer one about illegal is no longer illegality. You know, it's it's about, you know, your own choice, you know, when you decide to come and go as opposed to being forced, you know, by immigration. I don't think anybody wants to feel like they're at the mercy of immigration. But, you know, I think that's where we are beginning to find that. Yeah, it's tearing families apart. Yeah.
Laurindo Garcia: [00:18:02] Yeah. And I do want to kind of couch that by saying we've been in contact with the immigration authorities about this situation right now and asking for extensions. And they've been really understanding and supportive as well. Definitely not the only family dealing with this. And so I think that they are doing their best given the circumstances. So that's a good thing. But but on that note, I do want to open the conversation to Jean and invite you in on this, because I'm assuming I'm not the only person in this situation. Jean, is that right?
Jean Chong: [00:18:41] Oh, yeah. There's a lot of LGBT couples that in transnationally relationships, those struggling with it. I mean, actually, I'm kinda like Laurindo. Well, now I'm dating someone from L.A. and she's a leader in Asian American LGBT communities. Other than dealing with that distance. But also, she's on the streets protesting so far. So your lie, she said you must. I'm one of those aunties queuing at the post office sending a masks and equipments to her. But essentially, I mean, looking at Laurindo's struggles for so long, I'm well aware that this is going to take a long time to change. So the argument is that are we going to wait for the government to change their mind. So actually, the plan is leave eventually because that's the only way out. Because I think the issue of all the transnational partners coming to Singapore is not just an LGBT problem because he was straight couples have so much challenges. So until the government sees that our relationship is just like anybody else. I'm not the only one who's going to leave. Laurindo is not going to leave so many of us. Some of us have already left. So that's a challenge. But I think Lorena is also talking about this idea that we did, right?
Laurindo Garcia: [00:20:08] Yeah. Yeah. So so so, Jean, just to help our audience understand. And then also before we get to that, thank you for for letting us know about your or your relationship and your partner in the United States. I hope she's OK. Despite the protests. How is she?
Jean Chong: [00:20:24] This is OK. Just protest every day, so.
Laurindo Garcia: [00:20:27] Right. Right. I mean, and I'm just curious in in your kind of discussions about where the next steps as well. I mean, you've also got a situation that's, you know, very uncertain in the United States. Have you discussed where your destination together would be? Because there's also question marks about America right now. Right.
Jean Chong: [00:20:49] Well, I mean, America not a perfect place, but at least we can be together in the same place permanently. I mean, for her to come here to get a job, everything is precarious. Like what Laurindo is doing. He's going in and out of immigration. I know they will. We start such a struggle. Of so so essentially moving America's. Just an easier option because they have gay marriage, legal protection. So, yeah, I don't think there's any choice in that to be, to be honest. Okay.
Laurindo Garcia: [00:21:24] Thank you. Thank you for that. So let's find out a little bit more about what you've learned with your survey. But before we get to that, can you help our listeners know, learn a little bit about the organization?
Jean Chong: [00:21:36] Basically Sayoni is like, we started 2006 is mostly queer women let but a lot of all we advocacy and research is centred around. If there's 377A and some a but it's impacting everybody else, like I mean, the theory kind of like if you discriminate against a minority like gay men, everybody else does escape scot free. So so that's that's basically what we do. Research and advocacy. Yeah.
Laurindo Garcia: [00:22:09] Okay, great. And what have you learned in this survey that you've done around the pandemic?
Jean Chong: [00:22:13] I mean, I think just a couple weeks ago decided to run the survey, kind of looking at what everybody is doing. So we said, hey, what's happening to the entire LGBT community? So he did a quick survey try to file and some of the results online. Quite shocking. Of all, 64 percent of the respondents, there are about 500 respondents say that the struggling with mental health. Forty seven point three. Talk to us about struggle with social isolation and being unable to accessible systems. And then one in five talks about domestic violence. And then another twenty percent wanted to talk about why they are not able to access medical services like people who are suffering from HIV or they need counselling. So those seems to be not be able for that. So, I mean, then the question is, why is it so? Well, how is it different from the other communities? So essentially, one in five for domestic violence is very high. So what's the difference between LGBT people facing the domestic violence and maybe somebody else? So if a woman faced domestic violence, leaving the houses is entering a safe based right, the pub because you're leaving your perpetuator. But for LGBT people, the public space is a hostile space, too. So, yeah, actually, once you leave the house into a public space and leaving another house for space and very naturally, LGBT people have chosen families, like friends and support networks, they're very small. So you don't have the existing family structure and support that they have. So we've Covid means they're stuck at home. And then when you're stuck at home in a small HBD flat you have no privacy. It's very hard to call someone or. I mean you can text, but that's not quite enough as we are all talking about. So, I mean, that that that is the difference. And he escalates. That's why the mental health challenges are so high. Many of them talk about thoughts of suicide, depression. And and it's quite concerning so, at least for us.
Laurindo Garcia: [00:24:33] I want to pick up on what you mentioned there about the chosen family, because, you know, that is very much a coping mechanism for anyone who has been either kicked out of home. Or they may be at home, and in any other circumstances, they're they're either isolated or marginalised or the family just won't recognise or acknowledge that part of their life. So chosen families are then so important. But we are in a situation now where people are being, you know, isolation is being defined by household and family units. And all of a sudden you're not able to do that. How are how are people coping?
Jean Chong: [00:25:10] I think there's so much of that lately. Recently did a webinar, one of our speakers, we could see the domestic violence happening right in front of us. So a lot of people will say, oh, you know, you can find a corner in your house, you can hide somewhere. But the thing about domestic violence is that he's very intrusive. And the perpetrator will actively try to control you or abuse you in various ways. So I think a lot of people are not coping so well. But like but of course, you feel very privileged to live in that because of your family is a sad thing then this is a totally different story. But I think most of us struggle with family acceptance. There's a big thing here. So, yeah.
Laurindo Garcia: [00:25:56] And how about the existing, I guess, social safety nets that are available. Because, you know, as you said, you made a comparison between domestic violence for non LGBT individuals. That is also happening right at this time as well. But there are crisis hotlines, there are shelters, there are mental health service providers also providing support for people who are struggling during these times. So what have been the experience of LGBT or try to get help from the existing social services that are available?
Jean Chong: [00:26:29] Yeah. I think currently we are building a list. And then the list is so small because most of the service providers, in Singapore does not have sensitises entry. They're not up to the capacity. So a lot of times we don't refer people to them. Because I mean, the idea about domestic violence for LGBT people is you're not being accepted right. Then if you go to a social worker that doesn't use the right language and doesn't understand or ignore the identity. This is the second kind of trauma. So we'll rate picky about who we refer to. How far? I'm sorry to say. Social workers and counsellors are not well-trained. There's no push to train them. So that that support network is small. But of course the LGBT community has some services that we're trying to like fill in the gap. But it's not enough.
Laurindo Garcia: [00:27:26] You know, so so part and parcel of the work that you're doing now is not just the survey, but also to provide some assistance. Right. So I saw you made an announcement this week about a fundraising initiative. Can you tell our audience a little bit about that?
Jean Chong: [00:27:41] In response, the survey, we started a relief and resilience fund for the LGBT community. So some of the funding, I mean, people can apply for it. Different components. One is that we'll provide counselling for you. We will provide support groups. And then another component is that for people who need small car cash grants, maybe just to get by all for you to get a job and buy food. So that's some of the things that we're trying to do.
Laurindo Garcia: [00:28:15] And how long is the campaign going for?
Jean Chong: [00:28:19] Well, we just open the application process. Then we realise the application fall because there are so many of them that we kind of extend it indefinitely. So the more we can. The more money we can raise means we can help more people.
Laurindo Garcia: [00:28:34] Ok. So you're actively fundraising now? Is that right?
Jean Chong: [00:28:37] That's right.
Laurindo Garcia: [00:28:38] Okay, cool. All right. So if you're listening, if you want to help the community and provide some assistance during these times of crisis, then check out the show page and find out a little bit more about Sayoni's fundraising initiative for Covid 19.
Petrina Kow: [00:28:53] Yeah. Thank you for that, Jean. I'm so glad to hear that there's there's going to be this platform for you to help them. Now, I'd like to invite into the show an old friend of mine. Candice, welcome to the show. She's also our artist in residents.
Candice De Rozario: [00:29:11] Don't say old. Please don't say old.
Petrina Kow: [00:29:16] I did a show together many years ago. Good God. I don't even. Was it seven, eight years ago? Maybe.
Candice De Rozario: [00:29:23] It was 2012.
Petrina Kow: [00:29:24] 2012. Good Lord. Of eight years ago. Sometimes it would be the dressing rooms talking about my, you know, live dating and all that. And I know you're single at the moment. Is that correct?
Candice De Rozario: [00:29:35] Uh huh.
Petrina Kow: [00:29:35] I would like to ask you if you'd love to share what it's been like for you to be. I mean, we were just talking at all about relationships and being with your loved ones that I was thinking about people who were single or living alone. Right. And, you know, normally you do you have you're single alone. Maybe you'd hang out with friends or you would date, you know, go out for dates. But now during the lockdown, you know, well, you're not supposed to go anywhere at all. And you've got nobody in the house. Like, what's that been like for you?
Candice De Rozario: [00:30:06] So I have a confession to make. I am an introvert. Honestly, it's funny because as soon as the prime minister made the announcement, I thought, oh, I'm going to have to do this and go do that. And then I realized, you know, I don't really need to make any changes to my lifestyle whatsoever. The only difference that I can't, you know, go for supper with my friends who live nearby or anything like that. As far as how difficult it's been. I don't really feel a struggle in that sense. I feel more of a struggle work wise. Not so much socially. I am renting a space. I don't live alone. I am renting a space. So I have flatmates. So I'm not as isolated as some people might be. Yeah, it just seemed for a while like everything was happening at once. You know, my helper who helps helps me with my dad. She lives with my dad and looks after him. Her work permit was expiring. And, you know, so having to go through that kind of process and everything remotely, she has to take like some sort of medical check ups and all that. None of the doctors were doing it and they were telling or say you can't do that until after the circuit breaker is over. There's all that stress and panic and with my dad as well. There's been some stuff going on. I'm not going to go into details. But, yeah, he's also getting older. He's also facing some health issues. A couple of times I actually had to, like, go to the house and deal with emergencies and literally like a. Two weeks later, we went into lockdown. And so there's been that kind of worry there about what's happening on that side. And I can't even go to see him. I just know I could. No, I can. But at the time, it was, oh, my God, what is happening you know?
Petrina Kow: [00:32:05] Yeah, no, absolutely. And I think there's so many facets to our lives that sort of suddenly gets amplified. Right. In a period like that when when suddenly your movements are so restricted. So I suppose dating wasn't up there on your list.
Candice De Rozario: [00:32:20] I have to confess, when you asked me to do this show, I was like, do I have anything to talk about or not? Because dating did not even come into the picture right now, honestly, an edge. And I mean, yeah, I'm a single person. I've been single for a long time, but I guess I've gotten used to it. I still you know, it is still on my list of priorities. I still would like to find a partner at some point that I can spend my life with. So I haven't completely forgotten about it. If I can't even meet my family and friends is no way I'm gonna go meet someone completely new. A lot of my dates have come from the Internet, from dating apps, and I always, like I have had experiences where you talk to a person and you just talk and talk and talk and talk and you think you'll get along and then you meet and there's nothing there. It's absolutely the worst thing that can happen on a date is you have nothing to talk about.
Petrina Kow: [00:33:20] So that's so interesting because somehow it's like people appear a lot more attractive online.
Candice De Rozario: [00:33:28] Yeah, there's always a certain level of fantasy online, you know, because I've had so many experiences like that. I made a rule a couple of years ago where even if I meet someone online and they seem nice, I always try to meet them in person A.S.A.P.. I'm sorry, I'm not getting any younger. I'm not a spring chicken, you know,
Petrina Kow: [00:33:51] It's like, are you, are you this, this, this and this. And this.
Candice De Rozario: [00:33:55] Yeah, I have a list, you know.
Petrina Kow: [00:33:57] Tick, tick, tick, tick. Yes. Yeah.
Candice De Rozario: [00:33:59] Trumps supporters need not apply that sort of thing. I just don't I don't like to waste time. I don't have the time to waste. I still have hope that one day I can be a mother, you know. So. I think what was sad was that it became a numbers game after a while, and so I kind of got tired of it after a while of doing that. So in terms of. Online dating or any kind of dating, as a matter of fact. Yeah, I've I've been very on and off about it. I have to confess, I've been single for seven years now. The first couple of years, of course, was dealing with the breakup. That was quite difficult because it was a very, very long relationship. We were never married, but we were together for 10 years. I'm very, very glad to say that he is still in my life as one of my best friends. I tell I tell everyone this. You know, it's if if he's a wonderful person, he's a wonderful person. And you may not be romantically compatible, but why give up? All the more important things about that. I trust him implicitly. And I know he's got my back and I hope he knows that I've got his.
Petrina Kow: [00:35:22] He knows now.
Candice De Rozario: [00:35:23] Yeah. I should hope so. No, I have I have I have flat out told him that before. And we still talk. I mean, he's he's seeing someone but. But I do occasionally try to at least have dinner or lunch or dinner with him, you know, just to catch up as friends. I think when someone has been in your life for that long, they become family regardless of what your current status is.
Petrina Kow: [00:35:48] I mean, it's so interesting, Candice. You're talking about, you know, all the various sort of permutations of the relationships. And and I was just thinking about how, you know, dating has sort of evolved. Right. And I mean, I met my husband the old fashioned way through friends or in a workplace, you know, that kind of thing. So I. And I also distinctly remember my best friends meeting their husbands on, you know, in the earlier days, like Web sites, like match dot com, you know, and things like that. And it was this kind of like when you met a guy on a dating site. It was like such a new idea. It was like eeee, can or not, you know, like even then I was really like couple of years married, had my kids. And I was just wondering is is even possible. But it's kind of like it's it's become this thing now that it seems to be the only way to meet people now.
Candice De Rozario: [00:36:40] So it's normal now. So, I mean, it's not it's not true. Oh, yeah. No, I wouldn't say it's the only way. I would say it's one of the easier ways. Yeah. And in fact, I think that I think I don't I don't know the exact that this thing, but I've heard it's like one in four couples now have met on the Internet.
Petrina Kow: [00:37:02] Yeah. And I think, you know, I mean, this is where I'd love to sort of throw it open to everybody because we've all had dating histories. And I was just talking to another old married couple, friend, and he I think we missed out lah. He missed out this whole, like, fun online dating like process. And I remember, like several years ago, I actually created a profile on Match. This is when I was happily married with two kids. And I just for the sake of it, experimentation, just wanted to know what it's like to kind of scroll through and see what's out there and like who would like me to. It's really random. I was just being curious.But.
Candice De Rozario: [00:37:40] If if if your listeners could see me now I'm rolling my eyes.
Petrina Kow: [00:37:45] I'm sure I just. But it was just such a curiosity for me because it just sounds like so much fun yet.
Laurindo Garcia: [00:37:53] I mean, I'm hearing stories and it's such a a new, you know, way because for me, in terms of inclusivity. Right. I feel like, you know, in a way we were so limited to geography to to your own little tribe and village. Right. Previously and who you know. So now now it kind of like throws it open. You could literally have your list and and have the people that would kind of filtered somebody's filter out that lists for you and then have an algorithm. Find those people for who.
Candice De Rozario: [00:38:25] I just have to say, though, Internet dating has really been I mean, speaking of inclusive, it's really been a boon for the LGBT community for sure. You know, where I mean, you know, two of the other people on this panel probably can can speak to that better than I can. Yeah, but. But as far as I understand, it's really been so much easier for gay people to meet other gay people with dating apps. And so.
Petrina Kow: [00:38:54] Jean, is this. I mean, did you do you have any stories for that?
Jean Chong: [00:39:00] I think traditionally the Internet has been a refuge for us. So and you started in the 90s way the gay community as a first group of people that utilise the Internet because it's anonymous, it protects us. So. Well, that's why a lot of LGBT people are quite tech savvy, because, you know, of the origin of it so.
Petrina Kow: [00:39:24] Have you tried online dating before, Shuyi?
Shuyi Ching: [00:39:26] Not quite. I never really enjoyed the online interactions much. Think I'm an introvert online? I don't know. I tend to not comment or not seek out interactions online.
Petrina Kow: [00:39:43] No, I know what you mean it's it's. I've had a very fraught relationship with social media as well in that I don't know, I don't know how to present myself or I don't know if I say certain things, will that be misconstrued? And they should I be saying these things? And, you know, if I say this with somebody misread me because you can't see my face and I like to be funny and sarcastic and, you know, you might miss, you know, misunderstand that type of thing. So absolutely. I feel like, you know, there's this. I probably won't do very well online dating if.
Candice De Rozario: [00:40:19] I go through phases as well, where I think I'm so tired of this online thing, why can't I meet someone nice in real life? Like, why can't I meet someone at work or why can't I meet someone? I don't know. Archery class. I've done that. I've done I've done the whole you know, how they advise you when you're single. You want to meet people, you go to the classes, right? Yeah, I've done that.
Petrina Kow: [00:40:41] You know, I remember yeah.
Candice De Rozario: [00:40:43] I have not met a single interesting person for any.
Petrina Kow: [00:40:46] Maybe maybe not archery, maybe not archery or something else.
Candice De Rozario: [00:40:51] Oh, but I've done it all. I've done the language classes. I've done the psychology, I've done the sports, all of it. I've got it all. The only thing I haven't tried it is social dance. So maybe that's where I should go.
Petrina Kow: [00:41:04] I do remember when I first joined Mediacorp as a very young person and, you know, starting out in the media industry is all very exciting. And then very soon I realised, oh my God, all the guys here are either married or gay. And I'm like, oh, okay, maybe not then. And it's all very incestuous or or they have dated all the other deejays in this building. So I'm like, nah.
Candice De Rozario: [00:41:27] You don't want to go there.
Petrina Kow: [00:41:30] So I don't know. What. What do you think Laurindo like?
Laurindo Garcia: [00:41:33] Yeah. I mean, what I find interesting about where this conversation is, has headed is we we we talked about how online dating has been normalised. I mean, for the LGBT community, it's been our for four decades now. But but I guess more mainstream. It's definitely become less stigmatised these days. And I think it's interesting that over the course of this series, you've just been talking about how technology has really changed the game in the way that we approach things, whether it's education or work or other aspects of our lives. And I'm curious what this means, because if we're talking about work or education or other or health, you know, there's been technology has enabled things to continue. And yet we're in a situation now where we have to be socially distant. We're relying on technology. But it hasn't necessarily been a benefit for relationships or has it? I mean, I'm just curious. This is an open question for for the panel. I mean, there are definitely limitations for what technology can do to help us tend to our relationships. But what have been some of the surprising things that have come out of the way that we see our relationships in a time when we have to be distant from the people that we love?
Petrina Kow: [00:42:49] Well, I mean, I I've noticed this is not about relationships in a love sense, but I've just observed it with my son. I mean, he's 13 and he hasn't seen his friends, like in three months. And since he started this sort of smaller school, his his classmates are other human beings around his age that he has seen. And then after school, he would skateboard, so he would see other boys and girls around that age. But for the last three months, he's just seen the three of us, mom, dad and sis. And that's it. Like he has not seen other, you know, social. There's no other social life. And and I'm observing him and wondering, oh, I think this is not quite natural. Like maybe you should play with other kids your age and that type of thing, because it's definitely with with kids who are much younger. I think play dates and, you know, being able to interact with a kid, you know, friends and all of that was a big deal in terms of their mental health and social skills. But and I looked at him and he he seems to be thriving like he doesn't have any hankering or he doesn't want, like, let you do what it is. He a franchise organise, PS4 playdate with Brandon. And then. And then. And he's like not need. You need to talk to your friends. He's like, no, you know, it was like very. So I I'm also curious about that because I'm wondering like. But my I live in a houseful of introverts and they're all very happy now. Like they're so happy. They sleep, they wake up, they play their games and they, you know, they sleep again just like and occasionally I'm like, hello, hello. Can you go and sun yourself? Like, can you go outside? And so I had to force myself to go out and walk in the sun. So it's it's been an interesting time watching different people react to that, because I think for introverts, they've taken to to the circuit breaker quite easily. And then for those who are obviously leaning very, very active lives, who are very sporty or needing the social interactions, have have found it very difficult. But even then, I think they've pivoted and found ways to have Zoom parties and zoom this and that, you know, found ways to connect. So I don't know. What's the the answer to that? I don't know. What is the effect of it also? I mean, I guess depending on how long more we have to go, will we see like maybe patterns setting in which may or may not be helpful? I don't know.
Candice De Rozario: [00:45:24] I think it might. I think it might it might in some sense, go back to one of Shuyi's original points about your love languages. I mean, everyone has some combination of. I think there are five. But you always have one or two primary ones. And I think if your primary love language is not a physical enough language, you probably can't deal with this sort of thing. That's a because you you you feel loved from from other things. You feel love from somebody helping you out, for example. I think I think that's part of acts of service and all. You feel loved from quality time, which. Totally. Having a Zoom meeting with your friends, you know, where you're all just kind of chatting and like you're in your own space, but you're eating and drinking together. You can absolutely feel love from that as well. You know, but I think it's it's the people who have a very physical love language that are having the hardest time. I believe. I believe.
Laurindo Garcia: [00:46:25] Thank you for that. And I think we've heard a lot about, you know, chosen families, about love languages, about how the pandemic has really forced us to prioritise our relationships and also created some some problems in how we're tending to them as well, but also of open some other opportunities. And I think we want to kind of change gears in the show and kind of think about some solutions in some ways that we would want a post pandemic world to look like. And so in every episode, we ask our guests to imagine that they've been bestowed with a magical wand. And what this wand helps you do is change the way that societies work. And so imagine that you've been given this wand and you are going to change the way that the world works after the pandemic. What is one thing that you would do to make the world more inclusive after the pandemic? Let's start with you Shu.
Shuyi Ching: [00:47:27] Wow. There are so many things I want to do with his magic wand. I actually had a conversation with my fiancee and a few friends about, you know, how it is a bit it is kind of scary to kind of see what's going to happen after, you know, Covid and everything that's happening right now. And I think the biggest thing that I would want. Is empathy, I guess, empathy in people and for people to have empathy and to experience empathy and to give empathy towards, you know, be it, you know, people there in the LGBTQ community or people of a different race or people come from a different culture or a.. Different of the people of a different class than than you. I think, you know, with just a bit of empathy, we can get so much further. We can do so many things. We can understand so many things. And hence. We don't need all these, you know, violence or things that are happening to many, many groups of people right now. And I think, you know, watching all this happening right now, I it does kind of affect me personally. Like I see it every day on my social media feeds. And I just wish that, you know, there's something that we could do. And I think empathy, it's what I would want everybody to kind of have.
Shuyi Ching: [00:49:09] I love how you you raised that. I mean, if what's interesting about the pandemic is that on one hand, it's kind of forced everyone to really think beyond just themselves, right. In the way that we've ended social distancing. But at the same time, we're also got a situation where a lot of people are who have suffered from marginalisation for four generations, for hundreds of years. I've have, you know, are fed up with having their their lives and their struggles being pushed to the side. And they are, you know, asking the world to stand in solidarity with them and be part of a concerted push to make sure that this doesn't happen again. So I'm so glad that you brought that up.
Shuyi Ching: [00:49:56] We actually I was watching actually there was a conversation by SIFA, which is the Singapore International Festival of the Arts, with M Bogart. And she didn't mention about being present about SOTS, which is a term for it for actors or performers. But the biggest thing that I got away from the talk is that how everybody should. Yeah. Have. Be present, too, to be able to ready to give and and from that with you know, when you have open arms here but you're able to receive, receive and people is able to receive you. So there won't be misunderstandings. There will be dialogue, communication between two people. And just by that, you know, you're you're open to so many different things.
Laurindo Garcia: [00:50:49] So empathy and finding a way for people to be fully present and showing up for others. Thank you so much. How about you, Jean? What would you use your magic wand for?
Jean Chong: [00:51:00] I think the title of this show will be inclusive. Be inclusive. By showing your allyship when you see discrimination or inequality happening. Be inclusive in policies and laws. Not what we have now. So many different sectors of people are not included. Be inclusive in empathy, which is what Shu was talking about. I think essentially a lot of things, what a lot of activist or artists are trying to do is to push this point about being inclusive. But not just talking about it, but it needs to come with action as well.
Laurindo Garcia: [00:51:43] I want to pick up on that because there have been you know, inclusion is such a buzz word, right? I mean, we've as advocates, as activists, we've been talking about it for a long time. But for it to be part of a national conversation, it's definitely much more on the surface in the last couple of years. And yet I haven't met a single person who says I don't want to be inclusion, there are exceptions, of course. But by and large, if you speak to a person, they'll generally say, yes, I want to be inclusive, but I don't know how. And what would you say to that, Jean? I mean, you know, it's wonderful to have a magic wand, but you still got the reality of teaching people the How so, so what's your take on that?
Jean Chong: [00:52:25] I mean, from experience, I think conversation helps. So and also, I mean, LGBT people need to stand up and be noticed. Right. So that's what Pink Dot is doing and doing really well. So that's one. But but also all allies, they need to speak up for us, too. I think that's so important. Over the ten years I've seen from just one or two allies that really public, too, so many of their life as well. Public. I mean, this this I mean, I don't think we can't achieve LGBT equality we do it alone. So we need all families and friends and and also recognised all lives are intertwined together. So if a group people are being discriminated by the state, if we don't speak up eventually. I mean, eventually it will roll over to everybody else. So I think that's something that we need to pay attention to. And how do we support each other even more intersectional? We I know it sounds very vague. But they'll be practical things you can do stand up for someone who who's facing racist comments, then out for someone who's facing homophobic comments. Then tell this tell the State that what they are doing is not right. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. So this very small baby step that we can all take.
Laurindo Garcia: [00:53:51] Thank you. So the first step to being inclusive is allyship. Thank you so much, Jean.
Petrina Kow: [00:53:55] Yeah. Yeah. And then last but not least, Candice, what would you do with your magic wand?
Candice De Rozario: [00:54:04] It's pretty much being covered by both Shu and Jean already. Definitely empathy and conversation. I don't think the difficult conversations are ever gonna go away, but I think we need a better way to have them. We need to teach people that differences are always going to be there. But people need to learn how to have those conversations without I guess without coming to blows, you know, be it verbally or physically even. Yeah, people need. I mean, those conversations need to happen, but they need to. People need to know how to have them civilly.
Petrina Kow: [00:54:43] Thank you for that. I was I was reading I was listening to a podcast actually by Brene Brown, and she was talking to, I think, black activists called Austin Channing Brown. And of course, there's a lot of conversation now going on with the black community about being anti-racist. Right. This whole idea of what is it to be anti-racist. And I like that she said being anti-racist just is, you know, teaching humans how to be better humans to other humans, you know? And I mean, I think that just sort of very beautifully encapsulates everything that we've all said here today. That I think the work never stops. And then I think in any sort of like a circle or field that we're there, we're looking at it really does sort of, you know, fall on the shoulders of the people who are in power or who have access to power and have, you know, systems of change that we can figure out if. Because it all kind of comes back to the systems. Right. And and and the structures that are in place. And so much of it is being sort of so, so entrenched and so many people's sort of like home livelihoods and interests, special interests are stuck in those systems. And it would take every one of us, I think, to really sort of shake the foundations to to grow something new. And I think it's been inspiring watching the Black Lives Matter movement and how, you know, in a week of sort of massive ground up action that they're able to have, you know, a whole state relook their police department, you know, something that's been going on for so long. So I think, you know, it it I mean, I think we think about in Singapore, it's like, oh, what is the what is the relevance? We're so far away. But I think it does it does help us to see that there is hope that there is a way of sort of coming together and with our collective voices raising raising it up to raise the voices of the people who can't be heard as much, you know. So I thank you all so much for being here and for sharing your thoughts with us. Ching Shuyi, Jean Chong, Candice De Rosario, and of course, you as well. Laurindo Garcia for so bravely stepping forward to share your story. Before we go to Candice, who will be singing us a ballad from her band. And if you know this, but Candice has a metal band called Sangriento,
Candice De Rozario: [00:57:28] If you allow me to time, I will talk a little bit about that.
Petrina Kow: [00:57:31] Now I will. We'll come back to you in a minute.
Laurindo Garcia: [00:57:33] Before we do that just a little bit, just to let our audience know that if you would like to find out a little bit more about our guests and their work, make sure you check out the Inclusively website for details. Also, follow us on Apple Podcast, Spotify or YouTube, and you'll be notified when new episodes are out. And please remember to like this podcast and submit a review. We really welcome your feedback to help us improve.
Petrina Kow: [00:57:55] Yes. So, Candice, you've picked a song from your album Blood Pact. And the title of your band is called Sangriento. Could you tell us a little bit about the song and why you chose to share this one with us?
Candice De Rozario: [00:58:10] There actually needs to be some backstory to this. OK. So like, yeah, the band is called Sangriento. I know the name sounds like we play latin jazz, but it's actually symphonic metal, although you wouldn't be able to tell from the song. So please do check out the rest of the album if you can. This is the only ballad on the album. I did not compose it. I had a little I had a little hand in writing the lyrics, but I didn't actually compose this song. So the band is there's five of us. Khan, Rain, Nick and Crystal. They are the true geniuses behind the music. I just basically open my mouth and make loud noises. If you need to find us, we're on Facebook or Twitter, Instagram, YouTube, all that good stuff as some Oriental S.G.. So a little bit of background context about the album. As Petrina mentioned, it's called Blood Pact, and you can find it on Spotify, Bandcamp, Apple Music and other major streaming services. So this is a concept album. Our guitarist. He basically created this world. You wrote a story. You created this world where magic and technology exist side by side. But there's been like a thousand year war that's been going on between them. So concurrently with the album, because we are such nerds, we released a limited hard copy, a run of a comic book of that story, which was actually drawn by our drummer, Crystal. And each chapter of the book correlates to one song on the album. Bad news for you guys. Good news for us. The book is sold out. But we are planning a rerelease either in hard copy or online. Hopefully cross fingers hopefully not too far in the future. The song is called Leaving You Behind and without giving away too many spoilers in the original context of the album there is a character who basically chooses to, shall we say, give up their life force and their magic so that another character can take that magic into themselves and be strong enough to defeat the bad guys and see the world as you do. So the song happens at that moment, but as with any song. Or play or any art form, really. It's always open to the audience's interpretation. Now, even for myself, like when I first read the original draft of the lyrics, I thought it was a breakup song. You know, honestly, it's it's real bittersweet. And I think it says, hey, look, you know, whatever the reasons may be, I have my own journey. You have your own path to walk. And I wish you love. I wish you happiness. And please take that. And literally, there's a lyric that goes, you know, like the cosmos, like the cosmos with your love and your joy, because you're amazing. But unfortunately, where I'm going. I can't take you with me. And, yeah, it hurts. It hurts like bleep. It hurts like blazes. But we both know that this is for the best for both of us. So coming back, coming back to this very difficult time for a lot of people coming back to pandemic in this time of Covid, you know, people are having to make some really difficult. Absolutely heart wrenching sacrifices for the greater good. I mean, thousands and thousands upon thousands of people all over the world are having to die alone. They can't even talk to their loved ones online because when you go into respiratory failure, they intubate you. So your speech is taken away. Families cannot visit their dying loved ones. And even for us who are clinically well, you know, we've literally spent an entire podcast talking about it, but we are literally saving the world by staying home. And that means bearing. You know, just enduring the pain of being isolated from your friends, your families in, you know, for some people. Cases like Shuyi's. Even their significant others for an extended time. And if you're a health care worker, multiply all that by one thousand. You know, again, it hurts. But you do it. You leave them behind because you know, it's the right thing to do. Being a superhero is a lonely job, you know, but you put on the mask and you distance yourself from society because that's what superheroes do.
Petrina Kow: [01:02:47] So here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the band, Sangriento.
Laurindo Garcia: [01:02:51] And that's our show. I'm Laurindo Garcia.
Petrina Kow: [01:02:52] And I'm Petrina Kow. Thank you all so much for joining us.