Influence Every Day

Body language can be cause AND effect. For example, when we have rapport with someone, we tend to exhibit certain behaviors (matching, mirroring, eyebrow flash, etc). If we want to establish rapport, we can start by intentionally exhibiting those same behaviors.

So it is with listening.

When you are listening intently, you will show the 3 behaviors covered here. Likewise, when you want to listen intently (but aren’t doing so), you can exhibit these 3 behaviors and you will begin to listen more intently.

Let's cover the 3 components of the body language of listening:

Component number one is to slightly tilt your head. 

Think about it. You've seen many animals, right? If they hear a sound, there's something that's interesting. What do they do? They tilt their heads. They move their ears. They angle themselves to hear the thing better. Right? You’ve seen cute pictures of kittens or puppies that when a sound is made and they cock their head.

You actually do the same. Don’t do it abruptly like they do when they first hear the sound. But with your head slightly tilted to the side. 

Component number two is to expose the neck. 

By “expose your neck”, I don't mean exposed skin per se. If you're wearing a headscarf or a neck scarf or anything like that, that's fine. Open up the space between the chin and the chest - no matter what you’re wearing.

Why does this help? Well, let's go back to animals…

Have you ever seen a cat or a dog stretch its underbelly or act like it wants to be rubbed? It only does that when it trusts the person there. Right? 

They only do that at a time of trust, at a time of safety, at a time of comfort. 

It’s the same thing for us with our necks. Now, we're not necessarily asking other people to rub our necks, LOL. But when we feel safe and when we feel comfortable, we slightly expose our neck. This is something we do normally. 

When we are uncomfortable, we tend to cover it. We might put our hand over our chin. We might play with a necklace. We may pull the collar forward or a vest forward or a jacket forward or put something between us. We might cover our chest and the lower portion of our neck. 

Here’s why: your neck is loaded with vital equipment - your airway, your esophagus, your spine, your jugulars and your carotids. It's an essential area. 

It is so vital, it's where predators attack their prey. They go for the neck. 

We protect it when we're uncomfortable and we expose it when we're comfortable. 

So by doing step number one is to slightly cock the head. Step number two is to open up the space, to slightly expose the neck. When you do so, you're conveying that you feel safe and that it is safe. And therefore, the other person feels it. 

Remember. People experience body language. They're not sitting there saying to themselves, “Oh, wow. She's tilting her head and exposing her neck.” We're not doing that. We're not calculating their body language. We're experiencing it. 

When you expose your neck, you are inducing an experience that it is safe here.

Component number three is to nod. Simply nod at certain points in the conversation. Nodding is an indication of agreement and/or understanding. We do it naturally.

If there were to be a fourth main component, it would be to express the emotion that the other person is expressing. Mirror their emotion. 

If they expressed that they recently lost a loved one, feel that. If you feel it, you will reflect the emotion of experiencing loss. 

Listening occurs while you are silent. But when your voice is silent, your body language is saying:

If you ever find yourself not in a mood to listen - you're distracted, you're thinking about other things - start with the body language of listening. Start by just slightly exposing your neck a bit and tilting your head. Then nod appropriately. Express appropriate emotion. Do this and you will tend to listen better.

Now go do it. Start with the very next interaction you have.

[See https://www.InfluenceEverywhere.com for many more resources on influence, communication, relationships, and behavior change.]

[If you’re a busy professional who wants to have incredible success at work and at home (without neglecting those who matter most), then check out The Influence Playbook at https://www.influenceplaybookmonthly.com]

Deliberate Practice Because Practice Makes... What?

With any new skill, we begin unconsciously incompetent. Not only can we not perform the activity, but we don’t even know its relevance. A period of discovery follows. We become consciously incompetent. We know something is important but we still do not know how to do it.

Then, learning begins, usually with the help of someone competent (even better if it’s a coach), until we become consciously competent. Now, we know how to do something but we have to be focused on the steps while doing it. When we no longer have to be attentive to the activity in order to perform it, we are unconsciously competent.

This automaticity comes after deliberate practice. Practice is extremely important but if we practice the wrong thing, we become automatic at the wrong thing. This is why a coach is often needed.

How can we practice influence, persuasion, rapport, body language, engagement, and behavior change? We can practice through our everyday interactions. Observe others’ body language in specific situations and jot down some notes. Everyone’s reaction will be slightly different but there are common themes that will help you get better at detecting and understanding body language. The best place to start learning body language is to practice detecting discomfort.

If you want to get good at any skill, focus on deliberate, optimized practice, ideally with a coach.

Go to InfluenceEverywhere.com for many more resources on influence, communication, relationships, and behavior change.

If you’re a busy professional who wants to have incredible success at work and at home (without neglecting those who matter most), then check out The Influence Playbook at https://www.influenceplaybookmonthly.com

What can a fun ice-breaker teach us about discomfort, misunderstanding, and anywhere our communication goes wrong? How can we take a simple game and use it to improve our most important relationships?

Have you heard of ‘2 Truths in a Lie’? It’s a game where you say two truths and a lie about yourself and other people have to detect the lie. The game is simple but detecting deceit is not. To effectively evaluate body language there are a few things you need to keep in mind.

Context: sometimes we focus so much on our content that we neglect the context. It is not enough to deliver your message. You have to realize that your message is being received. Pay attention to the comfort level of the people you are interacting with – that is who you are there to serve.

X does NOT equal Y: a single expression of body language is not enough to derive meaning. There are multiple reasons why somebody may act a particular way, sometimes completely unrelated to you.

Look for change: pay attention to your interactions, spot changes and get curious. Don’t apply meaning to the change. Consider what might have caused it and ask yourself what you can do about it.

Evaluate the context, understand others’ comfort levels, and avoid applying meaning to changes. Instead, seek them out and get curious – this is a great skill to master to understand body language and adjust your communication in real time.

The Influence Every Day podcast will change the way you see your world. This episode introduces the idea of how frames shape our emotions and our experiences. Changing the frame and you change the world - or at least how we respond to it.