In this episode we explore in detail how Internal Family Systems can help with borderline dynamics.  We review the definitions of the innermost self and parts, the six attachment and six integrity needs, and we discuss the three major reasons why clients with BPD have been bruised and wounded by mental health professionals.  I review the seven tenets of Therapist-Focused Consultation (TFC) and then we walk with Tina from episode 127 as she begins IFS informed therapy, and how that therapy invites and includes all her parts, without the need for grounding exercises that suppress her exiles and firefighters.  This episode may be particularly helpful to Catholic therapists and counselors to not be afraid of or destabilized by those clients with borderline dynamics.  

(Please note that sound effects are used in this episode and may be triggering to parts.)

In this episode, I take you inside the experience of Tina, a 32-year-old Catholic woman with “borderline personality” and introduce you to seven of her parts and how they switch inside her.  These switches involve not only emotions, but all of Tina’s internal experience, so her parts are not merely transient mood states.  We review the IFS understanding of innermost self, exiled parts, manager parts, and firefighter parts.  And then we break down everything that happened in the restaurant in her conflict with her fiancé, Phillip, walking through each DSM-5 diagnostic criteria for BPD and seeing how her parts contributed to the symptom, getting to the “Why” of borderline behaviors.  

 In this episode, my guest Dr. Greg Bottaro of the CatholicPsych Institute shares with us the most important thing he wants us to remember about borderline personality dynamics, the things that Catholics and non-Catholics most often misunderstand about borderline presentations, and his takeaways about borderline "personalities."  We then open the floor to these questions from our live audience: 1) How do you stay in relationship with someone who is threatening to harm themselves, you, or other family members?  2) Are anger and anxiety typical coping mechanisms for those with borderline characteristics? 3)  I think I may have borderline personality with a strong strain of self-hatred.  What is the role of concupiscence and wounds in borderline personality?  4) How would a Catholic parent with a spouse with Borderline Personality Disorder characteristics navigate teaching or picking up the pieces with young children who witness severe emotional dysregulation on a regular basis without undermining the spouse or triangulating?  5)  Someone brought to my awareness that they see BPD characteristics in me.  How do I approach true authentic healing so that I don't wound others, while not falling into the trap of getting a formal diagnosis to justify my actions or over-spiritualizing, trying to pray it away or just go to confession?  6) How do I help my young adult son who is married to someone I suspect has BPD characteristics who is now cutting off communication with us and who is not taking care of himself and who has said he is in turmoil when his wife, my daughter-in-law, who seems controlling and needing lots of "space"? 

This episode focuses on the internal experience of borderline personality dynamics, what it feels like.  Next, I share how “borderline” is a relatively new diagnosis, and previously indicated a range of personality development, rather than a specific disorder. I then discuss the standard diagnostic criteria from the DSM-5 and the Psychodynamic Diagnostic Manual, 2nd Ed., summarizing the symptoms in plain English. I explore the etiology or the origin of “borderline personality” and the underlying unmet attachment needs that fuel borderline dynamics. I describe different subtypes of borderline presentations and explore the types of partners to whom those with borderline dynamics are romantically attracted. From there, I describe five major treatment approaches and briefly discuss an outcome study. In closing, I review some suggestions for living with someone who presents with borderline characteristics.

In this special edition, I invite you to an experiential exercise to connect in a loving way with your parts who are  in any distress or suffering with the armed conflict between Hamas and Israel and the humanitarian tragedies that conflict has brought.  I do this experiential exercise along with you, working with my Adventurer part who has been burdened with fear and anxiety, especially around the conflict broadening out regionally in the Middle East and beyond.  Parts also have an opportunity, with your innermost self to question and challenge God about what is happening.  

In this episode, I invited licensed marriage and family therapist Dr. Gerry Crete and a live audience to discuss the best ways to relate with family members with narcissistic traits while still preserving one's own limits and dignity.  Dr. Gerry addressed the following: 1) Why is it important to prepare yourself for relating with someone with dominant narcissistic parts? 2) How can we recognize our own limitations and the fact that we cannot change another person by our own efforts? 3) How can we understand the positive intentions of others' narcissistic parts? 4) What should you do if you are flooded and agitated by a family member with narcissistic tendencies? 5) How should you communicate your limits and boundaries with such family members?  6) How can you distinguish between standing up and advocating for yourself an just being "oversensitive" or prideful? 7) Are idealizing and devaluing the primary signs of narcissism or is there a deeper key feature?  8) How does narcissism often play out in a family when an aged parent dies?  9) When is it necessary to temporarily disconnect or separate from the family because of narcissism in other members?  10) How do we maintain "radical acceptance" of others and still hold boundaries and protect ourselves?  11) What kind of IFS groups are available online?  12) How does a lack of empathy present differently in narcissism vs. autism?

In this episode, we review several definitions of gaslighting, discuss the tactics of gaslighting, explore the inner experience of both gaslighters and gaslightees, describe gaslighting in the workplace and with children, and list the four relationship dynamics of gaslighting.  Then we describe how gaslighting and being gaslighted connects to deep, unmet attachment and integrity needs.  We also address the special aspects of spiritual gaslighting with examples.  Finally, we cover how to assess whether you are being gaslighted, describe recovery from gaslighting and address gaslighting from an Internal Family Systems perspective.  

Today with our live audience, we start with 15 minutes of Q&A about narcissism addressing these questions: 1) Does acknowledging our own narcissism makes us more or less vulnerable to exploitation by another person? 2) Are children of parents with borderline personalities more likely to be attracted to narcissistic partners? 3)What is “healthy narcissism”?  Then from the 15-minute mark to the 50-minute mark, we engage in an experiential exercise together to encounter and connect with parts of ourselves with narcissistic features.  Afterward, we debrief and share our experiences addressing these topics and questions:  1) Can narcissistic approaches be helpful in certain situations or environments? 2)  Is narcissism the result of too much self-love or too little?  3) How can we get normal needs for affirmation met in non-narcissistic ways?  4) Why is it important to be gentle with narcissistic parts?  5) Why do narcissistic parts often sense themselves to be aged 2, 6, or 13?  6) Why is there such a “rush” or dopamine “high” when narcissistic parts receive the admiration and idealization that they seek?  

In this groundbreaking episode, Dr. Peter explains how to conceptualize narcissistic "personalities" and narcissistic reactions through the lens of Internal Family Systems.  Looking at narcissism through the lens of subsystems and parts is an entirely new paradigm that makes it easier to accept the reality the unmet attachment and integrity needs that fuel narcissistic positions and behaviors.  Through four case vignettes, Dr. Peter illustrates how both covert and overt narcissism look and function from a parts and systems perspective.  

In this episode, Catholic psychologist Peter Martin and I discuss narcissism with a live audience, covering the following questions: 1) What are two primary clinical approaches to treating individuals with narcissism; 2) How do we distinguish between boldness and narcissism; 3) How does one relate with a narcissistic spouse; 4) How do we work with narcissistic family members who don’t believe in God; 5) The importance of feeling cherished and treasured by God; 6) The relationship between narcissism and spiritual abuse in religious communities and organizations; 7) What makes it difficult for a person with narcissism to receive the love of God; 8) what are the different attachment styles associated with overt and covert narcissism; 9) How do children’s experiences of narcissism impact them in adulthood; 10) What are the effects of narcissistic parenting on children’s separation and individuation; and 11) How does one manage a contentious co-parenting relationship with an ex-spouse who is narcissistic?