Is It Wet?

“A magnificent, opulent, tremendous, stupendous, gargantuan, bedazzlement, a sensual ravishment!” It’s the turn of the wet century and consumptive courtesans, Sophie and Caitlin, drip diamonds and bloody handkerchiefs during a glitzy, bohemian night at the Moulin Rouge (2001).

“I have seen a security hologram of him...killing younglings.” On a special, CGI-heavy Valentine’s Day, Generally Grievous Sith masterminds, Sophie and Caitlin, get swallowed into the roiling magma of George Lucas’ mind before being stuffed into the sleek, sweaty melodrama of the greatest installment of the Star Wars saga: Revenge of the Sith (2005)*. This episode is great if you too enjoy staring at the Coruscant sunset, sexily ignoring the signs of rising fascism, and just generally giving up when things get too hard.

*after Solo: A Star Wars Story, of course.

“Do you make sweaters, or do you kill people?” Textile-based assassins, Sophie and Caitlin, elevate their heart rates, sweat blood, and bend bullets in an attempt to understand the waxy, dripping meat locker of the 2008 action thriller, Wanted, and TAKE BACK CONTROL OF THEIR LIFE! Now what the fuck have you done lately?

“Let’s shampoo us some aliens!” Hapless, goo-soaked adjunct professors, Sophie and Caitlin, don their periodic table merch and plumb the tacky, oozing sphincter that is the 2001 comic science fiction film, Evolution.

“A world without string is chaos.” Hapless, slapstick house-flippers, Sophie and Caitlin, slide their jacuzzi tub into the turbid, spring-loaded trap of the 1997 dark comedy, Mouse Hunt.

“I’ll kill you with my teacup.” It’s a Fast & Furyan race against the sun as glistening Necromongers, Sophie and Caitlin, enjoy the acidic wit of sweaty maverick, Richard B. Riddick, and the slick shtick and space politics of the Chronicles of Riddick (2004).

“You’ve always been the caretaker.” Homicidal hoteliers, Sophie and Caitlin, hunker down for the winter in the snow-covered, sanguine hotel for ghosts that is The Shining (1980). This episode is best paired with a glass of advocaat and a viewing of the first five minutes of Ghost Ship (2002).  #spaceisntreal #trustvaccinesnotastronauts

“My flesh moves…like liquid.” Scientific explorers of all things wet, Sophie and Caitlin, are joined by guest comedian and writer, Rachel Andelman, to delve into the writhing, iridescent shimmer of Annihilation (2018). You can follow Rachel on Twitter at @rajandelman.

“May I recommend our newest procedure? Bat feces and oxen blood.” Toothless snakes, Sophie and Caitlin, are joined again by comedian and local soothsayer, Jesse Sannicandro, to discuss the twinkly, anachronistic mess of Ella Enchanted (2004). You can follow more of Jesse’s perplexing pearls of wisdom on Twitter and Instagram at @Jesse_Dro.

“I give you my word I did not go near that blood!" Antsy, Antarctic bad boys, Sophie and Caitlin, trust no one except their own flamethrowers and get splattered with the syrupy, gelatinous guts of John Carpenter’s The Thing (1982).