Are your “shoulds” stalling progress in your marriage?

In this episode I unpack the trap of turning personal standards (“shoulds”) into boundaries (“musts”)—and how that pressure slows connection and blinds you to better solutions.

See episode recap, key themes and quotes

Many husbands (me included at times) think too much in terms of "should" Here are some common examples I see come up in coaching:

• “My wife should go to counseling.”
• “She should talk about the affair and apologize before we move forward.”
• “She should have told me before she left.”

Some of these are good standards. But when you elevate them into musts, you create pressure, enable self-justification, and blind yourself to better solutions. The fix isn’t to ditch standards; it’s to keep standards and boundaries in their proper places*, extract the *core need under your “should,” and find unconventional paths that meet that need with more buy-in.

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What you’ll learn

• Standards vs. Boundaries: How to stop lumping “shoulds” and “musts” together.
• Order matters: Why the affair conversation often seals healing rather than starts it.
• Alignment over pressure: Pressure creates standoffs; alignment creates dialogue.
• Find another path: When counseling or a marriage retreat is a “no,” other options can still meet the same need.
• Avoid self-justification: Swap “she should…” for “what can I do today that moves us forward?”
• For conflict-avoidant men: Don’t demote true musts into “shoulds” just to keep the peace.

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Memorable lines

• “Keep your shoulds in their proper place.”
• “Standards are the bar you set; boundaries are the line you won’t cross.”
• “The conversation about the affair often seals the healing, not initiates it.”
• “When we take the pressure off, we find alignment—and alignment invites dialogue.”
• “Don’t let a good ‘should’ become a bad ‘must.’”

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Who this helps Husbands in separation, men navigating reconciliation after an affair, or any couple trying to rebuild trust without blame, bashing, or quick fixes.