Topics on JackAm Include: Clear Harvest, The Dietz Nuts Cup and Nothing Friday!

Topics on JackFM include: Writing The SNL Packet and much more!

Show(s) Originally aired: 06/26/20 — VOD Link(s): https://www.twitch.tv/videos/662038922

https://www.twitch.tv/videos/662438681

A woman lay awake, groggy but fully conscious. Everything from her neck up was angled such that she could see around the simple white room, a luxury granted by the prior screeching efforts of her motorized hospital bed. She turned her head to the right and smiled at her partner —a man in his mid to late thirties— seated on a visitors chair and holding her hand. His face was gaunt and filled with concern. He obviously hadn’t been sleeping much, and who could blame him? With his free forefinger he brushed a curl of hair from her eyes and tucked it around her ear. “Tell me again why you wanted the operation here?” He asked. “I mean look at this town, they’re nice and all but they’re all so...so..” “Backwards?” inquired the woman. “Well..” her partner shrugged his shoulders but didn’t finish, he didn't have to. She knew about his misgivings and had some herself, but her uncle knew things, lots of things and backwater towns be damned, if he trusted this doctor then so would she. Her reply was silent, she did nothing but squeeze his hand with what little strength she had left. Just then the door to the room opened and in walked an older gentleman wearing a cowboy hat and a white doctor's coat. He greeted the couple with a thick country accent, and addressed the woman's partner. “Well as you know, The Lord decided to test your lady here by giving her some complications with—” He made a circular motion that encompassed his entire chest area. “God’s Wonderful Breathing System.” The woman’s partner looked confused, “I’m sorry, are you —you’re talking about the growth...on her lungs right? ” The doctor shook his head in the affirmative, “That’s what I said son; complications with God’s Wonderful—” He made the circular motion again, “Breathing System.” The doctor looked pointedly at the woman’s partner for a moment, then continued. “Now after a prayer breakfast the surgery team and I got together and we—” The woman's partner shut his eyes and blurted “Who cares about your breakfast! Tell us about the goddamn operation! is the tumor gone or not!?” The doctor flinched at this, made the sign of the cross and said under his breath, “He does not mean it lord..” while at the same time the woman gave her partner a harsh whisper, “Be. Civil.” Her partner apologized, and the doctor cleared his throat before adjusting his bolo tie. “Well now. If y’all will let me finish. After some prayer, my team and I were able to make a long incision—” He drew an invisible line down the center of his chest “into your lady’s God-blanket, not to worry that just what we call skin ‘round these parts. We made a cut into her God-blanket and went right up under Adam's ribs and— ” The woman's partner interrupted and said as politely as he could, “Please Doctor. Just tell us, is the tumor removed?” The doctor chuckled and said, “Why yes son. Praise and glory to his name, by his will we were able to remove all traces of Satan’s little penis.”

Topics Discussed on Today’s Episode Include: Ladder-Talk, Establishment Dem’s Lose Big, “Oh Really Dude?”, Trumps Megachurch Superspreader, Gods Wonderful Breathing System, and Police Sex Traffic Ring.

Episode(s) Originally Aired 06/24/20 — VOD: https://www.twitch.tv/videos/660099067 https://www.twitch.tv/videos/660498113

Topics discussed on today's episode include: Mr. Freezified, Poison(ed) Cops, Quibi Goes Viral, and Ice Reveal Live!

Episode Originally Aired 6/23/20 — VOD Link: https://www.twitch.tv/videos/659111049

A beautiful woman in a sheer bikini struts by two men on the beach. She holds a novel in one hand and a margarita glass in the other, large ice cubes tinkle with each step across sand. The sun shines and the woman’s smooth bronzed skin sparkles in response to countless beams of warm sun. It’s a clear day and the surf sighs repeatedly in the background. The two men lay on outstretched towels. They say nothing, but track her movement, her fluidity —grace. These were not hunters but awestruck children seeing fireworks for the first time. And In a flow of time that passed far too quickly, she was soon a distant star.

Guy 1: *turns to Guy 2* “Did you see them things man!?”

Guy 2: “Bruh, bruh! I couldn’t look away!”

Guy 1: “Right!? I ain't never seen shit like that before!” *whistles* “Damn!!”

Guy 2: “Bruh that shit was see-through, you could see everything!”

Guy 1: *whistles* “And the shape!”

Guy 2: “The shape though!”

Guy 2: *shakes his head* “ They sure do make ‘em different out here don’t they?”

Guy 1: “Pssht I know that's right, I ain't never seen ice cubes like that in all my life”

Guy 2: “Clearest things I’ve ever seen. That ain’t no American ice”

Guy 1: *shakes head*“I know thats right.”

Topics Discussed on Today’s JackAm include: Cough-vfefe, Buffet’d To Black, The Jack of Us II, Sit Down Stand Ups, and Triggered!

Topics Discussed on Today’s JackAF include: Ice!

Episode Originally Aired 06/22/20 — Vod link: https://www.twitch.tv/videos/658161286 / https://www.twitch.tv/videos/658546982

“You what!?” The Police Chief roared. The Jelly beans he kept in a tin on his desk rattled as he pounded his desk.

“Well sir…” the rookie replied squirming in his seat across from him. “I helped her cross the street. She was old and—” The rookie was cut off by a mighty bellow from the Chief, “WE. DON'T. DO THAT HERE.”

“Sir I don't…” began the rookie, “you mean here as in...here? Like the police station?”

“Exactly!” roared the Chief.

“With all due respect sir we’re civil servants were supposed to be help—”

“Don't give me that shit Corporal!” barked the Chief, who shook his head and then let out a long sigh before continuing, “look, you may be new here kid but I want you to know that your actions have consequences and your behavior today reflects poorly on all of us. I hope you think about that while Ramirez & Scialabba are out tonight on OT, looking to collect this uh..this Ethel or whatever her name is for questioning over today's uh...events.”

“Questioning for today's events? But she did nothing wrong! She just cant move fast —she’s old!”

“Just as I thought..” The Chief said gravely, “you’re too close to this, i’m taking you off the case.”

“Case, what case” asked the rookie, “It was just an old woman having trouble crossing the street!”

“God damn it…” snarled the Chief “That’s it! i'm putting you on unpaid leave, everything on the table now! Badge and gun especially”

The rookie gaped in disbelief, “A-are you serious It’s my first day?”

The Chief glowered at him, “Chop-Chop, I ain't got all day rookie!” Sighing the rookie relieved himself of all the standard issue police equipment: Flashlight, taser, flamethrower, club, gun, badge, predator wrist gauntlet from the movie: Predator, traffic whistle, handcuffs, flashlight with a spike on the end, zip ties,first aid kit and novelty truck nuts. When he had finished, the rookie could barely see the chief over the mountain of stuff that dominated the desk between them. Virtually naked now in the eyes of law enforcement the rookie turned toward the door to leave. He worked the knob and had almost stepped through before he heard the Chiefs voice behind him, “I said...everything.” The rookie closed his eyes and swore soundlessly. Then he slowly made his way back over to the Chiefs desk and slammed his half finished milkshake onto the desk.

Topics Discussed on Today’s episode include: “Shh, don’t tell!”, All Cops Have Diarrhea, North Korea, Violence Against Protesters and Reality Show Music!

Show Originally Aired: 06/16/20 — VOD Link Here: https://www.twitch.tv/videos/652471919

The boy gasped as he studied the live video feed being broadcasted to his laptop. The boy's eyes were naturally already very wide, and they grew wider still making an amusing contrast with his narrow face, an incongruity harmonious with that of the laptop that held his rapt attention. The device was a flat unfolded square of plastic unremarkable in any other modern setting but considering its surroundings: a stone carved room suffused with hundreds of dripping tallow candles, and a large wooden desk piled high with scrolls and quills, it was enough to make a time traveler want to take double inventory before leaving. The boy backed away slowly from the laptop in shock and horror, “oh-nonononono..” he whispered to himself, “oh nonon—” As the boy was retreating from the screen he tripped over a pile of dirty robes that he had left on the floor some nights previous. The impact of his bottom slamming into rug-on-stone jolted him out of his stupor and he scrambled to his feet before charging through the doorway and down the candle lit corridor screaming, “Master! Master!” Through his mad dash he knocked over several senior maesters, one of whom was carrying several racks of freshly bottled ink. The boy barely registered the cascading crash of a hundred bottles of shattering glass as he blazed onward. Within seconds he had reached the door at the end of the corridor and threw it open. “Master!” he called once more and the sound startled the old man within the room who was looking through a bronze telescope. “Oh my!” the old man said in surprise “Why, what on earth is the meaning of this young man?”

“Master” the young boy wheezed while trying to regain his breath, “the signs, the signs!”

“Slow down, slow down my boy.” The old Master said to the young man. He guided him over to a wooden chair in the corner. “Let me fetch you a glass of water.” By the time the old Master returned with two cups of water, one for himself and one for the boy, the boy had time enough to calm himself and speak coherently. “Now what is this about?” the old Master asked.

“The signs” said the boy after a gulp of water. “The end times. I—I was watching the stream”

“ *The* Stream?” The old Master asked with emphasis. The boy nodded his head. “Yes, and well, Jack he…” The old man arched his eyebrow and tilted his head as if to say, go on.

The boy gulped some more water. “Today...Jack planned out the shows topics...beforehand.” For the second time that morning glass shattered around the boy but this time he heard it. He flinched as the dropped glass from the old masters shaking fingers made its last sound upon stone. “God save us..” said the Old Master.

Topics discussed on Today’s episode include: Jack Did Something, UCB, Quibi Flattens The Curve, and Hertz —Don’t it?

Episode Originally aired: 6/16/20 — VOD Link: https://www.twitch.tv/videos/651477764

Niner—niner this is ADPP the producer in the associates capacity of the auditory and visualistically-style engagement event known as JackAm, providing you with a written notary analysis of the auditory portion of today’s engagement event. I hope in an optimistic capacity that you as an auditorially engaged or soon to be auditorially engaged —and so forth, citizen of this here podcast, will as a result of prior engagement be inclined to proceed in a joyful manner due to certain kinetic entertainment value present in today's JackAm engagement event. Thank you citizen your attention —such as is valued.

Jack Allison P.I. stepped out onto the stoop and tilted his head upwards to the great gray womb above pulsing with full dark clouds. He watched them open up, spill their bounty from the heavens. He watched the loot scatter and pool amidst the parched and split asphalt streets that were the filthy veins of the city's diseased heart. He watched the rain fall for moments more, and then flipped up the collar of his trench coat. It was time to leave. Before Jack got to the last step however, the door behind him opened up and a voice called out, it was his client. “You’ll catch them won’t you?” She said. Without turning, Jack replied, “I don’t think it's a them...” Jack heard the woman gasp even under the pouring rain. “You don’t mean…” She began. “Yes ma’am I do, this isn’t some teenage boys having a lark, a quick chunky-dunk to satisfy an urge for rebellion. I think what we’re dealing with is a single, sick, depraved individual. One who has done it before and will do it again I think...who i'm chasing —no what I’m chasing, is a..”

“Chunky-Dunkerist” His client finished. Jack was shocked. He spun around and took new stock of his client. She had some serious gumption to say such a thing out loud, and there didn’t seem to be even a lick of trepidation in her vocal delivery. “Serial..Chunky Dunkerist” Jack said and nodded. At his words, Jack’s client made the sign of the cross and whispered a silent prayer.

Topics discussed on today’s episode include: Tuesday Bluesday, Chunky Dunking, Coffee Talk, OAN, and Slurp Calls!

Show originally aired June 9th 2020 — Vod Link: https://www.twitch.tv/videos/645795802

It was no trick of the light, the statue had moved. The great scratching sound of a large rock grinding against its twin, reverberated across the ancient expanse of space as the statue tilted it’s twenty meter tall head downward to look upon Cait Raft —the infamous tomb raider. At the motion Cait’s hands reflexively dipped toward her guns holstered on her hip, but they froze disobediently as the great stone statue spoke in a rumbling bass reminiscent of a rockslide. “Do not be a foolish child.” Said the statue “Do not bring arms to a battle you cannot win...” Cait knew better than to argue with an ancient guardian statue so she relaxed her arms. “I am the third and final guardian of this place.” The statue continued, “ As was true with my siblings so too shall be true of me. Pass my test and you shall be granted access to treasure everlasting. Do you accept?”

“What happens if I fail?” asked Cait.

“Child...” replied the statue “I see through to your true heart and ask this of you: does it matter?”

“I...I accept.” Said Cait. “Good...” said the statue, “then step forward.” Cait took several steps closer toward the statue and the giant stone gate that it guarded. In an instant she was swept up into the air and held there by some invisible force. She didn’t have time to register any shock or surprise as she was then bombarded by a series of fleeting images —snatches of feeling and understanding. Her psyche fought hard against this stream of sense, only to realize once the fighting began that it was in her best interest to let go and be carried away by the current rather than risk being torn to shreds by the sheer force of the psychic onslaught. After Cait let go in her mind, she eventually found herself washed ashore in the courtyard of a memory that was not her own. The courtyard she found herself in was inside a tacky $36.5 million dollar mansion, and it was in the subsequent exploration of this courtyard that Cait came face-to-face with what was perhaps the ugliest infinity pool that she had ever seen. The pool was so offensive in fact, that she couldn’t hold herself back from vomiting —several times— around the deck area. Some time passed but Cait didn’t know how much: Days, weeks —months in the end it didn’t matter, because at some point during her stay, the now distant sound of the statue's rumbling tone returned to her and said, “I have shown you the pool and you have gazed upon it..” Suddenly the large gate that the statue had been guarding appeared as disembodied and floating above the infinity pool. “Behind this gate lies what you seek...” Said the statue’s far-off voice, “but be warned...Only the un-pressed of heart may throw open its gates..”

Topics discussed on today’s episode include: Why Are You So Pressed? Mask Off Rowling, and Kente Cloth Dems!

Show originally aired June 8th 2020 — Vod Link: https://www.twitch.tv/videos/644846694

No show notes today, happy Friday!

Topics Discussed on Today's show include: The Minneapolis Protests, A visit from Benlar, Cooking Kitchen w/ Chef Chris(@pizzaboy4life), and more!

Show originally aired 05/29/20

VOD Link: https://www.twitch.tv/videos/635358939

Donate to the Minnesota Freedom Fund!: https://minnesotafreedomfund.org/donate