Many of us with insecure attachment believe we have a fatal flaw, and if it were revealed, it would prevent us from being loved and accepted. A fatal flaw can be anything which produces an ominous feeling inside that something is seriously wrong with us. It stems from childhood, and although we carry it into adulthood, most of us don’t consciously know it’s there.

For me, my fatal flaw is that I’m not affectionate. My mom actually told me I was a serious baby who didn’t give or seek affection. Babies don’t have the psychological capacity to be serious, although I obviously didn’t know this when I was younger, so I grew up believing it was true. It didn’t matter that I had normal relationships growing up which proved the opposite. Later, in romantic relationships, I was afraid that if my partner knew about this incapacity for affection, he would leave. What’s really crazy is that fatal flaw are NOT TRUE. I am a very affectionate person, but despite all evidence, I believed I wasn’t. We use these flaws to give meaning to ourselves, but they are not based in reality.

When we don’t know our “fatal flaw,” we keep distancing ourselves and looking for partners who play into it. To stop giving it power, you have to stop hiding it. First, identify what it is, then open up about it. Every time you do that, you challenge the belief, and it starts to unravel. If nothing else, know this… that fatal flaw of yours? It’s simply not true.

If you have a question related to this podcast, email [email protected]. I will answer some via my Video Q&A: http://bit.ly/2wLFdW4