Guilt and shame are two powerful emotions that keep us stuck. They are unrelenting sources of pain, and constructs of our environment… whether it was our home life as a kid, our culture, our spiritual beliefs, etc. Guilt holds us back from making choices because we owe someone something—even if it’s someone who isn’t currently in our life right now. Shame comes from not deserving because we’re not worthy; we fear we have some fatal flaw. Both make us beat ourselves up because we feel we don’t deserve, or we’ve made a mistake and must be punished. They keep us stuck in the reward/punishment cycle, diminish our self-worth and allow no room for being human.

In an attached relationship, if your motivation comes from guilt, you’re carrying around a heavy weight that you use to beat yourself up. You will have a hard time making decisions, like if you leave prematurely, you may feel you have not given it enough effort. You will feel you did not think of enough strategies or do enough to make it work. If your motivation comes from shame, you cover up who you are. No one gets to know the real you; they only get the airtight pre-packaged parts. And if one of those nasty disowned parts unexpectedly pops out, it creates more shame to swim in. You are looking for acceptance from someone who invalidates you, keeping you in a never-ending battle for validation.

So how do you help yourself deal with these negative feelings, along with the anger, resentment, sadness, anxiety, etc. that comes with it? Ask yourself what you actually want, but don’t answer from your head. You will get the same answer as always, in the form of a lot of chatter and beating yourself up. Ask, “Who am I in this moment? What am I really looking for from the other person and what do I really need for me right now that I can give to me?” Pay attention to the things you do that are authentically you and bit by bit do MORE of that.

Visit the show notes page for a free download, outlining the steps you can take to deal with guilt and shame: http://bit.ly/2zIyKxs