In an insecurely attached relationship where your needs aren’t being met, there is a tendency to think of your partner as the enemy (think about the words you use to describe him or her). On a deeper level, it feels as though he/she is working against you and deliberately making you unhappy. When your partner isn’t giving you what you want, your entire focus is on him/her because you think they are withholding. Maybe they gave you want you wanted at some point, or so you thought, but it wasn’t what you REALLY wanted because you never connected with your own deeper needs. So you were left with a feeling of lack; of not enough. Attachment always goes with lack… along with its friend “blame." When we don’t feel our needs are being met, we have been taught to blame the other person. We build a case against them because we’re not happy, making it a black-and-white issue of one person being “good” and the other “bad.”

When you look at your mate as the villain because they aren’t fulfilling your needs, it is not a partnership. You become defensive and untrusting, operating on autopilot (so you may not even notice what you’re doing). It is a fantastic distraction from your own feelings and desires. For a truly happy relationship, stop looking at the other person as the enemy or as the reason you feel the way you do, and instead focus on what you aren’t giving yourself. If you don’t take care of your own needs (and know what they are), no one else will be able to.