There is a huge correlation between insecure attachment and jealousy. With each there is a fear of loss. Insecurely attached people either hold on tightly to painful situations or stay away from relationships due to fear of abandonment. With romantic jealousy, there is a fear of being replaced. Jealousy manifests in different ways, however, depending on your attachment style. Those who are Anxious generally resist expressing their anger because they don’t want to upset the apple cart, while Avoidants use anger to blame their mate. Securely attached individuals tend to express anger toward their partner in a healthy way to maintain the relationship—not sabotage it. In all cases the anger is there, but the way it comes out is quite different.

Jealousy is a threat to how you feel about your relationship, but it’s rooted in how you feel about yourself. If you don’t have an innate sense of safety, you will feel unsafe in your relationship. This leads to distrust where you may look for evidence to support that lack of safety. For example, if you see your partner talking to someone of the opposite sex, it can trigger those unsafe feelings. In the case of the Anxious person, that anger is held back for fear of the relationship ending. For Avoidants, anger is directed in an accusatory way (i.e. “Why do you always talk to women when we’re out together? Am I not enough for you?”). In both situations, a case is being built that their partner is cheating or wants to cheat.

Jealousy is about perception, and how you view it is based on your attachment style. Once you understand that, you can choose to look at it differently. You’ll start to see how your thought and behavior patterns support your value (or lack thereof), and that it actually has nothing to do with the other person. The next time you feel those pangs of jealousy, ask yourself what’s really underneath it. What feelings about yourself are you avoiding?