When you make a mistake or don’t want to feel bad about your choices, do you pin it on someone else? It’s their fault, they are the one to blame, they did it wrong. Not taking responsibility for your words and actions does not endear you to other people, nor draw you closer. This behavior usually manifests in avoidants who have a hard time accepting criticism and disappointing others. Instead of feeling the negative emotions around doing something wrong, avoidants prefer to put it on someone else.

Let’s say your best friend organized a dinner with a few people you don’t really like. Initially it didn’t bother you so you committed to going, but as the day approached you really didn’t want to see them. Instead of dealing with your feelings and accepting responsibility for your choice, you yell at your friend for inviting them. Understandably your friend feels attacked so she tells you not to come. You get what you want (not having to go), but it could have gone much better if you were honest with her about not wanting to see those people and choosing not to go.

If you want to be close to people, you have to take responsibility for your choices. When you find yourself blaming, stop and ask what you’re afraid of. Are you afraid people will know you aren’t perfect? Afraid of letting someone down? Find the fear, then speak what is true for you rather than creating stories about how someone “made” you do something. YOU are the only one responsible for your well-being.