Do you ever look at others and pity them? Maybe there is someone in your life who you feel bad for, and want their situation to change. It actually bothers you if they do nothing to help themselves, so you feel this strong urge to rescue them. But why? What do you think they lack that keeps them stuck in this situation. What do you feel YOU lack? Yes, they are a mirror for you. In attached relationships, there is often a rescuer and a perpetrator—and both are also victims. When you feel a deep desire to rescue someone, it comes from your own need to be rescued. Love is not pity, and it’s not making someone else a victim so you can rescue them.

Let’s say your ex still has stuff at your place and shows up to claim it. You offer to help because he/she couldn’t possibly do it alone—you turn him/her into a helpless victim. You’re actually in the middle of doing something, but drop it to help them, hoping for brownie points or at least some acknowledgement you went out of your way… but you get nothing. By feeling sorry for him/her you’re able to play the role of rescuer, throwing yourself to the bottom of the priority list. But then later, you complain about this person and how disrespectful he/she was.

In order to have true give-and-take relationships, you have to look at the choices you make. Rescuing others keeps you angry and stuck in a loop of denial about how you feel about yourself. It can be hard to know what to do with yourself when you’re not needed, so you avoid exploring it. But ask yourself why you want other people to be different than they are. Do you want them to change for them… or for you? And what do YOU want to be rescued from? It’s only when you stop rescuing others that you’re able to focus on rescuing yourself.