This topic comes from an email inquiry I received about a push/pull relationship between a woman and her partner. Things seemed to be going well for her; she felt they were growing together. From her perspective it is he who pulled away, and so began the pulling away and pushing for supposed intimacy. She wanted to know how to continue being open, as part of her own growth, but also how determine if/when it’s time to move on.

This all comes back to control and our focus on other people. This woman wanted to lasso her partner and control his actions. Not consciously, but when we focus on others, it’s what we do. Our behavior is an attempt to get them to do something (or not do something). We manipulate (or try to) by showing them the behavior we want in an effort to “teach” them. But that’s not our role and it doesn’t work because for the other person to change, it has to come from an emotional place within themselves… not because they’re mimicking our behavior. We all know when we are being manipulated. This is why things may go well for a while, then revert back to “normal.” The push/pull dynamic doesn’t work without both parties participating.

Change is hard for everyone and we can’t force it on others. They have their own crap! All you can do is act consistently from your heart. Hard to do when you’re fixated on someone else’s behavior. It’s to behave consistently by respecting and loving yourself regardless of what your partner does. That’s part of self-love. Trying to push self-awareness on others so they become aligned with your growth doesn’t work… even if you really, really want it to.