Something set you off, leaving you to feel everything sucks and no one loves you. Or you just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Whatever the trigger, you feel the world is against you. Maybe it’s those old feelings of rejection, shame or imperfection that bubble up, so you look externally for validation you’re ok. But instead you find the opposite—more evidence you’re NOT ok. So what do you do? If you’re insecurely attached, you’ll probably throw yourself a pity party, which is a great way to emotionally abandon yourself and remain in a constant state of reaction.

If you look for problems, you’ll find them. You may not realize you’re doing this as a way of punishing yourself and marinating in your negative beliefs (I’m not good enough, I don’t deserve, there’s something wrong with me, etc.). Your focus is entirely on what’s not working, so you become anxiety-ridden as well. All of this self-pity serves a purpose, however, which is to distract you from your deeper emotions. The feelings associated with your negative beliefs are more familiar and thus easier to deal with, whereas whatever is brewing under the surface is completely frightening and unknown.

Understand there is no truth in what you’re reacting to; your reaction is based on your perception of events, which comes from your negative beliefs. Essentially, whatever led to your pity party isn’t real. Dig deeper into where those thoughts come from, and the belief tied to them. Can you surrender to it and let it live instead of fighting against it? Follow all the feelings connected to it. Just by doing this you are connecting with yourself, which is the opposite of what you’ve been doing.