To have what you want in life—whether that’s a fulfilling job, relationship, fame, fortune—you have to upset the apple cart. That means saying and doing what is true for you and taking action from that place. It’s a willingness to step into the messiness of life instead of trying to keep everything neat and tidy. This is something everyone needs to do, but it’s especially difficult when you’re insecurely attached. The idea of doing anything that may result in loss or disappointment is too risky; better to play it safe and stick to what you’ve got. Scarcity tells you something is better than nothing. But what kind of life is that? If you’re holding back in any way, you’re afraid of upsetting the apple cart, which keeps you stuck in the familiarity of “good-enough’s-ville.”

Let’s say you’re dating with the intention of a long-term relationship yet you withhold this information on a first date because you don’t want to scare him/her away. But you muster up enough courageous to ask what they are looking for, only to receive an answer you don’t like. You still say nothing about what you want, hoping you’ll still be the chosen one. You might see this person on their terms—more casually—but that’s not what you want. Upsetting the apple cart would be telling this person from the beginning you’re looking for a partner and accepting whatever comes from that. If you’re not on the same page, that’s ok. You spoke from a place of honoring what you want and have weeded this person out.

To have what you want, you need to ask for it, which means upsetting the apple cart and accepting any potential loss. If you continue to play it safe, you won’t feel fulfilled; something will feel missing. Yes it’s scary, but the alternative is settling for breadcrumbs, which is not a happy place to be. And if you DO decide breadcrumbs are enough, you have to look at why you don’t believe you deserve more. When you settle, you pay a price. What is keeping quiet and playing small costing you? Is it worth it? To have what you want you need to upset the apple cart constantly.