Pain, loss, heartache.. all a part of life right?

Love, joy, happiness, laughter.. that can be a part of life too. Right?

Some get to live full lives and reach old age, some don’t. Sometimes you get a lot of time with loved ones, sometimes you don’t.

There’s a lot going on right now, or there probably always is we just don’t pay much attention to it until it’s close to home.

My heart hurts for those who are experiencing the pain of loss at the moment. I’m praying for comfort, for peace, and above all for you to feel loved. To see that you’re not alone in what you go through.

Here lies Elizabeth who died alone because of her inability to connect with others 😁.. is not what I want my headstone to say!

Anyway, I’m not sure what to write here at the moment. I’m sleepy and think I’ll come back to it tomorrow, if tomorrow comes.

Really don’t like the saying new year new me because most of the time we don’t do anything new 😆. We just keep living the same year over and over again.. crying about the same things!

I’m so thankful that I can say I’m not in the same place as last year! Kinda makes me nauseous haha.. just scary I guess?

But it’s worth it! So what you gonna do? No pressure.. just do something different!

Start somewhere!

ALWAYS GIVE YOURSELF GRACE

You don’t want to change for the better? Okay. Just don’t be out here hurting people because you choose not to do it.

Keep hearing things about being safe in places and around people. I will admit that I don’t trust much anymore, not even myself honestly.

Even thinking about it I’m feeling a bit anxious, and I’m not sure why.

I’m good, I’m not having to be anything that I’m not, at least in this moment.

I’m still struggling with that, feeling like I have to put on a performance at certain times.

I believe I’m at war with who I was and who I am becoming.

Anyway, if you never feel safe, never get you some safe people, or even become one yourself, you’ll always be running.

Lately it seems like a domino effect of de*th in my family. Just buried my uncle a month or so ago, and now my aunt.

I’ve often thought about how it would be to lose my mom, on occasion my dad. It would make me sad but it’s not until recently that I really felt a pain in my gut about losing either one.

I don’t want to focus on the wrong thing, something that has not even occurred yet. I want to focus on the moment, the here and now and appreciate it.

Worrying about what hasn’t happened before it happens is a waste of time. Granted it’s not something that can’t or won’t happen, but don’t allow it to take away from the now.

Need to think about this a bit more, the basis of it is, are you and your circle stuck in the same place?

Is there any difference in where you were and where you are?

What would an outsider think of you and your circle?

This second surgery really has me feeling some type of way. Here I am up past my bedtime, way past.. having flashbacks. Thinking about my response to things, in moments where I know there’s danger, will I be able to do what I need to do to save my life or other’s?

I’m still hurting from what happened to me, that’s apparent in my breaking down in tears at random moments.

Yet I do believe that after this, I’m truly on the path to healing. That because I’m sticking to what I say, actually committing to things, it’s going to be great.

Will it always hurt? Maybe. But perhaps one day I won’t want to shed tears every time I speak about it. It will be a hard lesson that I had to learn, yet if it helps me become better and maybe other’s too, it was worth it. (Cringe)

Well, got back to work and found out they want me to get in and get the surgery done tomorrow or sometime next week . Almost, just almost said no I’d do next week, but, I don’t know what’s going on in there so best to get it done sooner rather than later.

So, not prepared, and I’ll be hangry by the time they do it, but it’ll be done and I’m praying I can truly begin to move on completely from it. Well, not have to have anymore surgeries at least! 🙏🏽

I’m thankful to see another day, but I’m angry about my jaw today. Angry that I’m still living this thing after so long. I mean of course it was always going to be there… but it wasn’t as magnified, I felt like I was truly getting to a better place about it.

Yet here I am.. preparing for another surgery. Granted I wont be wired shut this time but still.

I will try to focus on the good, because whatever we focus on is what takes over.