Journey to Change

I’m thankful to see another day, but I’m angry about my jaw today. Angry that I’m still living this thing after so long. I mean of course it was always going to be there… but it wasn’t as magnified, I felt like I was truly getting to a better place about it.

Yet here I am.. preparing for another surgery. Granted I wont be wired shut this time but still.

I will try to focus on the good, because whatever we focus on is what takes over.

My thoughts will always be overflowing in my head haha. As I stated one day I hope to be less bothered by things and people. I realize now that I actually have improved there, just in the moment it doesn’t feel like it.

I’m so thankful for progress.

I had told my daughter that I would do this with 76 year old Mom as we drove and she had me ask a couple of questions ; what were your parents expectations of you and have you ever heard the voice of God?

Of course, we spoke a little bit about other things here and there, but I realize my mom doesn’t really talk about her life much now and then she’ll say a little bit but not a whole lot. for some reason, I feel like it’s important for them to tell their story before they’re no longer here.

Ugh.

Recognition and curiosity about how come you need this is great though.

That’s how you grow. 🙏🏽

Just thinking.. be back later

Ghostbusters! Just kidding, is it a good thing when you can joke even when you don’t feel good??

Perhaps that’s my way of coping, humor, and regardless of what another may think I think I’m funny. Sometimes.

I’ve spoken about having people in your life to be there during hard times. But if you don’t trust anyone to be there, you will end up alone every time.

How do you trust? Idk. Every time I did it didn’t turn out well.

I’ve been there for others, expected reciprocity but never got it. I’ve also been on the other side, letting people down.

I know I don’t want to leave this world without ever knowing what it feels like to have people in my life that I can call on and not have to give a part of me that I shouldn’t have to.

I think a lot, but even more so when there’s a death in the family. I get to thinking about what they left behind, what they’ll be remembered for.

If you’re not making your dash count, are you even living? What will people remember you for ? What will the person delivering your eulogy say?

I had to come back and do a part two after listening to part one, I’ll be honest I don’t really go back and listen to these after I’ve done them until I get to thinking about a similar situation. I felt like I made myself sound all kind of bad, which I mean I guess it is a little bad, but wanted to clean it up. It’s not that I couldn’t be faithful or loyal to one person, I could be. What I’m saying is I’m too inconsistent to be able to commit to a life term with someone. At least for now, if that’s in the plans for me later on, cool, I’ll work on myself until then. I’m definitely committed to becoming the person that I want to be and not who I had to be based on circumstances or because I just wanted to fit in. I guess I could say right now I’m committed to safety and if I don’t feel safe with anyone or anything, as far as vulnerability, then I’ll remain solo.

In regard to the previous episode, Money and the church, perhaps the issue is you, or rather me in this case. If commitment isn’t your strong suit then of course you will have a problem with anything that asks for it.

Sometimes it seems like that is all they want. Build this or build that, it’s for this or that..

how much of it is used to benefit the community? I am tired right now but will come back and write more when my mind is clearer.