Joy@Work Podcast

A few weeks ago I recorded a podcast about the Power of Trust to Succeed and many people wrote and asked why it is that you can do something with the very best intentions but find that it backfires.It seems that it is very easy to lose someone's trust but oh so difficult to gain it back.
Think of trust as a wallet full of cash.
I know that it's rare to have such a thing, but imagine, OK?
Say I have a couple of thousand bucks in various bills in my trust wallet. Every time I do or say something that causes you to lose faith in me, to lose your trust, for whatever reason, is like asking you to take whatever amount of cash out of my wallet.
Of course, being a normal human being, you'll take the 100 dollar bills first.
If, foolishly I hurt you in some way again, you'll take another chunk from my wallet. A third time and you'll probably take the wallet and empty it.
Now I have no trust with you. Is there any way I can influence you if you don’t trust me? Of course not.
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If you do not trust me, the only way I can get you to do what I want would be to manipulate you, or coerce you. That is, I would resort to lies, half-truths, twisted words, force, threats or bullying.
Instead, slowly and steadily and patiently, I work hard and begin to earn your trust back.
Little by little, you begin to trust me again. So you give me a two dollar bill from the hundreds you took when I lost your trust.
I'm consistent, and build trust with you again. And perhaps you'll give me back a five dollar bill or even, if I've been especially good, 10 bucks.
This goes on and on, because you'll be very reticent to give me back your trust. It's normal. It's the way your brain works. You hold a very vivid, pain filled memory of the times I broke your trust and a distant, slightly happy memory of when I build it in the first place.
[popup type="youtube" link_text="Click to open my video on your Brain on Stress and Anxiety" href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gmwiJ6ghLIM" /]
Painful memories are much more dominant than good memories. We are wired for negativity.
We have two networks for this in our brains:
The pain network, which includes the Thalamus, the Dorsal Anterior Cingulate Gyrus and the Insula.
Then we have the Reward network, which consists of the Amygdala, the Ventral Striatum and the Ventromedial Prefrontal Cortex.
Now you don’t need to remember all the terms, but I've link some great articles and videos above if you’re interested to learn more about the neuroscience behind all of this.
When I cause you pain, such as physically inflicting pain, or snubbing you, taking something from you that you care about, treating you unfairly, betraying you, or simply speak negatively about you, then your pain network is activated.
Your reward network is activated when you feel things like physical pleasure, a sense of belonging or inclusion, having a good reputation with others, being treated fairly and justly, and even giving to others - because of a feeling of abundance, or simply being appreciated for doing something or just for being you. These things make you feel good.
Smart leaders know this and continuously activate your reward network - which makes you more productive and effective. Poor leaders activate your pain network.
The biggest difficulty for leaders is one word and that word is "continuously".
A leader can be deemed trustworthy by you for years and then they inflict pain on you in some way. They break your trust. Even blaming others for their own failings could be painful for you. At that moment, you take that first big bill from their wallet full of trust.
You may trust them again, but there will be a delay in making the decision to trust as you check your personal records - first in the insula and then in the Anterior Cingulate Gyrus (ACG).
The insula in your brain, helps us anticipate what something will feel like before it happens, like the proverbial “gut-feel” or “6th-sense”.
The Anterior Cingulate Gyrus (ACG) allows us to shift betw

It was 4.30 on a cold and wet morning and I was choking on the stench of thick layers of years old grease behind the deep fat fryer and I was ecstatically happy as I scrubbed and cleaned the once white tiles back to their original gleaming brightness.
It was my first day on my first proper job and I would soon be delegating this filthy work to some other poor sap who similarly wanted to become a chef de cuisine. In the meantime, my job was to scrub, peel, haul, carry, chop, clear and clean it all up again.
The head cook (for in the mid 1970's we had few "Chef's" as that was far too French and suggestive of "haute cuisine") had agreed to take me under her wing and teach me how to prepare the only famous dish to come from England and clogged the arteries of its working classes: The Great British Breakfast.

What's the difference between coaching, mentoring, counselling, training and managing?
Let's, however, take a look at the main similarities and differences, as this may be helpful for you in establishing the style you would prefer someone works with you.
There is considerable overlap between these development approaches with each having a performance, direction, support or personal well-being focus in the context of the organization, your career or your whole life.
Improving performance is largely about developing your job skills (competences). Whilst developing your soft skills (competencies) is better served through direction and support. Developing your character is best served through supporting your development and a focus on your personal well-being.
You will see that there are overlaps indicated in the diagram. Perhaps more so with the growth of 'life
coaching' which has filled a niche in developing you in your life whilst not being therapy or counselling.
 
What is mentoring?
In spite of its origins in Greek culture some 3,000 years ago, mentoring is a buzzword today where life and work is high-tech but not high-touch.
When we use the word “mentoring”, a dozen or more different images race across our minds. It seems that we might not all be on the same page. It will serve us well then, to offer a working definition that brings us all together in our understanding. Here, I have tweaked a definition original from Paul Stanley and Robert Clifton  (Stanley & Clinton, 1992) and later by Dr Tim Elmore (Elmore, 2011):
 
Mentoring is a working relational experience through which one person empowers and enables another by sharing their wisdom and resources.
 
What is coaching?
In the 16th century, the word 'coach' described a horse drawn vehicle to take people from where they were to where they wanted to be. In the 20th century, big buses with rows of seats were also called coaches, and their purpose was the same: to get people to where they wanted to go. The word 'coach' was given athletic meaning around 1880 when it was used to identify the person who tutored university students in their rowing on the Cam river in Cambridge. Later, the word (and role) became associated with musicians, public speakers and actors, who rely on coaches to improve their skills. Don Shula, former coach for the Miami Dolphins wrote about athletes who would come to his team with their skills and talents, ready to submit to the coach whose job was to instruct, discipline, and inspire them to do things better than they thought they could do on their own. Over time, the idea of a coach has not really changed. A coach is a vehicle to take someone from where they are now, to where they want to be. Eric Parsloe, author of "The Manager as Coach and Mentor" (Parsloe, 1999) defines coaching as: 
"a process that enables learning and development to occur and thus performance to improve." 
The table below is an overview of the main differences between the four most common approaches to coaching and how these differ from the manager's role.

What helps distinguish leaders and managers is about control and, quite literally, how "hands-on" you are.
If you have ever learned to play the game of golf, the chances are that you grip the club tightly.
After all
this is basically holding onto a stick that you will swing through the air and hit a ball. Allowing the club to "follow-through' - if you don't hold on tight, the club might just go as far as the ball.
I appreciate that you may have never played golf, but you can liken this also
to the tight grip of the reins of a horse
to controlling your dog on a very short leash
to holding on tight to your child's hand
 
New golfers have to learn how to 'let go' - to relax their grip. If a tight grip is a ten on a scale, we want a 4 out of 10. The same is true of leadership and the way we hold on to our people. Hold on too tight (micromanage) and people have little freedom to use their own skills and strength. Hold on too tight to the club, and it is the golfer doing all the work.
So the question is: "who should be doing the work?" The manager or leader or the member of staff?
The golf club is weighted for a reason. If you allow the club to do the work, the swing and striking of the ball, becomes almost effortless. Relax your grip on your team and allow them to excel at what they do, and the work becomes almost effortless.
Once you know, as a golfer, that the club is designed to do the job of striking the ball, and your job is simply to swing and allow physics do to its job, you can relax. Maintain just enough control to ensure alignment, direction and distance and the ball will fly according to the club used, and the size of the swing. If you want a long distance, you use a long club and a full swing. A short distance off the fairway onto the green requires a shorter distance club and a smaller swing. The power to achieve the distance lies in the tool being employed and the chosen swing - the rest is pure physics.
So what can we learn as a leader?
To hit your target, at some point you have to let go
Isn't it the same? Make sure that you are using the right tool - the person needs the right skill set (and/or mindset) to do the required job. The leader's job is to have a little control to ensure that the skills are employed in the right direction for the right distance - that's about judging how far it is to the goal and translating that into the swing itself - in the case of people, the swing is influence and motivation... let the staff do the rest.
And just like that golf ball landing exactly where you both planned and wanted it to be for the next shot. You celebrate. Unlike golf, though, praise your club and thank them for their effort. After all, they did all the work!
When we use this metaphor on our golf leadership workshops, the feedback is instant. Hold tight onto the club and the golfer has to use a great deal of effort and the ball often ends up being pulled, pushed, sliced or hooked - going two-thirds of the required distance. Relax the grip maintaining directional control and the ball flies straight to the full distance of the club and swing used.
(For non-golfers... try this with a horse, hold tight, the horse will slow down even when you whip it! Keep your dog on a short leash stays by your side while it is pulling your arm out of its socket! Your child dangles from your hand as you cross the road. And, fo course, your team members await your next specific instruction on what they should do next.)
When the going gets tough, leaders in control let go!
Yet, new golfers, in particular, find their grip tightening in more difficult situations. The very moment when they need to be most at ease, most truly controlling, fear envelops them, pressure builds, the grip tightens, and the ball goes astray.
If you have to keep a tight grip on something, keep everyone tightly focused on the goal and direction
The same is true of business leaders under pressure. Listen to the media hype about the doom and gloom of the current econom

Trust is the most fundamental building block of any relationship whether in business, politics, marriage, family or friendships. In the real world, trust signifies different things to different people but it frequently boils down to one point: trust is essential to your success.
Once lost, rebuilding trust is one of the most difficult things to accomplish for the reason that the thought of the betrayal can forever haunt the aggrieved. Rebuilding trust is definitely tough, but it’s not something that can be ignored.
There's a well-known psychological study, conducted by Walter Mischel in the 1960s, which explored delayed gratification in four-year-olds. Individually, children were seated in front of a marshmallow and the researcher told them that they could eat the marshmallow right then, but if they waited for the researcher to return from a brief errand, they would receive a second marshmallow.
Some kids ate the marshmallow within seconds, but others waited up to 20 minutes for the researcher to return. 14 years later, the researchers found out that the children who had delayed gratification were more trustworthy, more dependable, more self-reliant and more confident than the children who had not controlled their impulses.
Trust is largely an emotional act, based on a prediction of reliance. It is fragile, and as an egg shell, one slip can shatter it.
Trust pervades every aspect of our everyday lives closely. It is fundamentally essential in the healthy functioning of all of our relationships with others. It is even tied to our wealth: in a Scientific American article, Dr. Paul J Zak, a neuroeconomist at Claremont Graduate University, found out that trust is between the strongest known predictors of a country's wealth: nations with low levels use to be poor. In line with Dr. Zak, societies with low levels of trust are poor, for the reason that the inhabitants undertake too few of the long-term investments that originate jobs and raise incomes. Such investments depend on people trusting others to fulfil their contractual duties.
In searching to comprehend what was physically happening in the human brain that instilled trust, he found out that oxytocin, a hormone and neurotransmitter, increases our propensity to trust others in the absence of threatening signals. We are indeed wired to trust each other, but, as Dr. Zak points out, our life experiences may "retune" the oxytocin to a different "set point", and thus to different levels of trust all through the course of life. When we are brought up in a secure, nurturing and caring background, our brains release more oxytocin when somebody trusts us resulting in our reciprocating that trust. By contrast, early experiences of pressure, uncertainty and isolation interfere with the development of a trusting disposition and reduce oxytocin levels.
In today's untrusting climate, it is not surprising that study after study shows a decline in the trust that individuals have in business and political leaders, and in institutions. The Edelman Trust Barometer for 2009 found out that nearly two out of every three adults surveyed in 20 countries trust corporations less now than they did a year ago. And a 2004 study by Towers Perrin, shows that only 44% of junior workers (those gaining less than $50,000 per year) trust their employers to say them the truth. This is an alarming statistic, specifically given how much time, effort and concern are expended in crafting leadership communications to workers.
Even although we are faced with a disaster in trust, and have ample examples of leaders who have eroded their employees', customers' and shareholders' trust, I believe that the majority of leaders walk the path of trustworthiness. If truth be told, it might be harrowing for many leaders if they receive feedback that others do not find them trustworthy. But being trustworthy, in someone's eyes, consists of their own perceptions, and can be strongly influenced by the fracture of trust in the world

What is a successful leader?
Because our GAPPS5 report profile benchmarks against "Successful" leaders I get asked this a lot.
And it is a great question! Because success means different things to different people. For some, success is a mansion on the beachfront, for some it's being in charge of a large multi-national, for others, it's a loving family.
However, these simply identify the measures by which individuals evaluate their own success.
We define leadership success as:
" Behaving in a congruent and righteous way that generates a sustainable superior return on investment."
Now of course, this is a very loaded statement:
Behaving: your manifest actions and words.
Congruent: in accordance with stated and unstated beliefs and values
Righteous: acting in an upright, moral and virtuous way (within the context of the environment)
Sustainable: able to maintained or kept going
Superior return on investment: continuously returning greater benefit to the organization and/or people than the investment in time, money, effort. i.e. a greater ROI than most other leaders.
How do you know that a leader is successful?
During the last 20+ years we have been researching leadership, we have assessed, observed and evaluated individual leaders seeking agreement on whether an particular leader is successful. This evaluation considers the individual's own achievements of their own definition of success, the agreed definitions of success of their peers and our own experience.
Surely it's simply that 'more is better'?
Not so! And this is one of the biggest issues with other psychometric tools and why we created GAPPS. More is not always better. Too much food makes you fat!
For example, someone with extremely high interpersonal sensitivity is going to be very sensitive to the needs and wants of others and may choose to implement a policy that satisfies the people at the expense of good business - reduces ROI.
Or, someone with absolute clarity of goals and vision, but does not learn (review) that the goal is the wrong way.
Or someone with very high Outcome... they are heading for a stroke.
Also, consider that if you had a team member who was a junior manager with incredibly strong leadership skills and thus gets labelled as a 'High Potential" put on the fast track and promoted... and promoted... if they do not gain the experience technically or the wisdom to discern, then they won't necessarily be successful as a CEO or even as a senior manager.
"Can I be successful as a leader with a low score?"
Yes! Though it depends on your definition of success. I've met a few CEOs who, quite honestly, shouldn't be in charge of getting themselves dressed in the morning, let alone a multi-million dollar business and the lives of hundreds of staff.
They key to real success as a leader when you have known weaknesses (and we all have them!) is to let go of the ego or pride, admit it and go find yourself someone to fill your gaps.
Let's say you own a business that is doing well, but to get to the next level and expand or go public. As an SMB leader you've succeeded, but you really need a 'Chess Player' character - a real strategist, but you're a 'Cavalier' - a bit of a maverick... then go find yourself a boss!
And remember, whilst you focus on being increasingly successful, I trust that you've noticed I did not say "good" leader. Being successful and being "good" are not necessarily the same thing. In this fallen world, there are times when you sacrifice "good" for "success".
What do you need to change to be more successful?

A little understanding of neuroscience can go a long way to making your own life easier and more fulfilling.
And this week's podcast and article. I thought I should share a few mind hacks with you that are so effortless once you know them and they will give you a powerful edge in life.
These mind hacks are not deceitful or manipulative at all. They just take advantage of a little neuroscience understanding and they can have a positive impact on everyone you encounter.
The first one is I Colour I Listen

Knowing a little neuroscience and how to use your mind effectively gives you a major edge in life.
If you have attended one of my workshops or coaching sessions you probably even know this first one. When you are speaking with someone you want to take a note of their eye colour. Why? I'm so glad that you asked. :-) By consciously noting a person's  eye colour you must have made eye contact with them. You will also tune in to what they are saying and because making a note of their eye colour takes up so much cognitive space, you can only listen and not speak at the same time. Now, I don’t mean stare at them for the whole time, that will creep them out and you'll be perceived as aggressive. Eye to eye contact should be somewhat minimal (unless you are both deeply in love) Instead, after noting their eye colour, focus about 60% of the time on a midpoint above the bridge of their nose and below the forehead. You can drop your gaze slightly lower - directly between the eyes ) for a friend. Focus on the mouth ONLY if you are intimate with this person. Practice this with a friend. Change where you focus attention and for how long, ask them how it makes them feel. Note how you feel when they do this back to you.
Knowing a little neuroscience and how to use your mind effectively gives you a major edge in life If you have attended one of my workshops or coaching sessions you probably even know this first one. When you are speaking with someone you want to take a note of their eye colour. Why? I'm so glad that you asked. :-) By consciously noting a person's  eye colour you must have made eye contact with them. You will also tune in to what they are saying and because making a note of their eye colour takes up so much cognitive space, you can only listen and not speak at the same time. Now, I don’t mean stare at them for the whole time, that will creep them out and you'll be perceived as aggressive. Eye to eye contact should be somewhat minimal (unless you are both deeply in love) Instead, after noting their eye colour, focus about 60% of the time on a midpoint above the bridge of their nose and below the forehead. You can drop your gaze slightly lower - directly between the eyes ) for a friend. Focus on the mouth ONLY if you are intimate with this person. Practice this with a friend. Change where you focus attention and for how long, ask them how it makes them feel. Note how you feel when they do this back to you.
If you have attended one of my workshops or coaching sessions you probably even know this first one. When you are speaking with someone you want to take a note of their eye colour. Why? I'm so glad that you asked. :-) By consciously noting a person's  eye colour you must have made eye contact with them. You will also tune in to what they are saying and because making a note of their eye colour takes up so much cognitive space, you can only listen and not speak at the same time. Now, I don’t mean stare at them for the whole time, that will creep them out and you'll be perceived as aggressive. Eye to eye contact should be somewhat minimal (unless you are both deeply in love) Instead, after noting their eye colour, focus about 60% of the time on a midpoint above the bridge of their nose and below the forehead. You can drop your gaze slightly lower - directly between the eyes ) for a friend. Focus on the mouth ONLY if you are intimate with this person. Practice this with a friend. Change where you focus attention and for how long, a

Put your hand up if you can trust you.
Keep your hand up, if you can trust yourself always. That is, you never, ever let yourself down. There are many areas in our lives where we may have a tendency, a temptation to not do something we promised ourselves, to give in when we know that we really should continue. Or perhaps that's just me?
I’ve been going through this a lot recently.  Last year I had a heart attack. No warning. No symptoms, until that very morning.
That is, you never, ever let yourself down. There are many areas in our lives where we may have a tendency, a temptation to not do something we promised ourselves, to give in when we know that we really should continue. Or perhaps that's just me? I’ve been going through this a lot recently.  Last year I had a heart attack. No warning. No symptoms, until that very morning.
There are many areas in our lives where we may have a tendency, a temptation to not do something we promised ourselves, to give in when we know that we really should continue. Or perhaps that's just me? I’ve been going through this a lot recently.  
Or perhaps that's just me? I’ve been going through this a lot recently.  
Last year I had a heart attack. No warning. No symptoms, until that very morning...

It seems to me if a tool is so widely used, there must be something to it. As a leadership caddy, procrastination is almost always the first thing my clients want to eliminate from their lives. As you will read, I advise them not to eliminate the very tool that is there to help them navigate the rough spots in life and business.

“If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.” Rita Mae Brown

Detour ahead
It's time I think to do a little more brain hacking and think of procrastination as a detour in the road. The purpose of a detour is to give us a warning, help us avoid something unnavigable, or dangerous and provides a safer route. Detours usually take a little longer, they circumvent the problem, but in the end we arrive at our destination unscathed. In most cases you will discover that properly employed procrastination, like a detour, will give you an alternate route to the solution of the problem at hand.

We're all aware that there are no shortcuts to success. But, have you noticed that success seems to come more easily to some people and not so easily to you?
It's OK, you're not alone. In fact, everyone sees it this way. Even that eejit in your class at school. You know, the one in the big house, with the wealthy parents. They got given a swanky BMW for their 18th birthday. Yes, even they look at others and believe that success came more easily to them. And you know what. They probably even look at you and say how 'lucky' you are to have so easily been successful.
"Me?" you say.
Yes, you. Because you are successful in so many ways. Perhaps not yet in the specific way you think you would like, but you have a remarkable number of successes under your belt already.
And you know how you achieved those successes?
You failed. Yeap. You heard me right. You failed. Sometimes, you failed miserably, other times you just failed. But you failed nonetheless. And from that failure, you learned to succeed.
This week I'm going to share with you some insights on failure and why it carries such a stigma. Then we'll look at the positive role of failure and lastly, learn how to embrace failure… or something I'm going to call: "Unfailure."