Part 4 in the series on the book The DNA of Parent-Teen Relationships.

Chapter 5. How to Argue with Teenagers and Come Out as Closer Friends

1. 5,000 adults asked what they wished their parents had done differently during times of conflict
   1. They wished their parents had listened more
   2. They wished they could have talked about feelings more.
   3. They wished they had talked to their parents more
2. Begin by listening - James 1:19
   1. Sometimes we men don't know what to say to connect to our children's emotions - listening is a huge part of the battle
3. Allow their emotion to touch you
   1. Take time to feel their pain
   2. Take time to feel their sadness
4. Four destructive ways to argue
   1. Continually withdrawing from an argument
   2. Letting them escalate into hurtful name calling fights
   3. Belittling or invalidating each other during an argument
   4. Believing that a family member is tryin to hurt, frustrate, or cause fear on purpose.
5. Drive-thru talking!

Chapter 7 Democracy can bring responsibility to your home

1. This is the chapter where they talk about making a contract
   1. See p. 118 for the why have one
   2. And p. 118 on how to develop one
2. p. 125 They give advice on Dating

Part 3 in the series on the book The DNA of Parent-Teen Relationships.

Chapter 6 Finding the Best solution to any conflict

1. Making Wise decisions is having the ability through discretion and extensive knowledge to sensibly discern and judge something before receiving and acting upon it.
2. Power struggles cause the most issues with teens
3. The key is to find a solution that both can feel good about
4. Keys:
   1. Establish rules about discussing conflicts
      1. 10 rules for fair fighting
      2. The calmer the argument, the better the chance of an honoring outcome.
5. With teens agree ahead of time on what the consequences of poor choices will be.

Chapter 7 Democracy can bring responsibility to your home

1. Real freedom is having the inner power to do what is best for all concerned.
2. Immaturity is lacking the power to do what we know is right and not being able to delay gratification
3. This is the chapter where they talk about making a contract
   1. See p. 118 for the why have one
      1. A written and signed document has tremendous power to keep peoplein harmony with agreed-upon, loving rules
   2. And p. 119 on how to develop one
      1. You have to read the book for all the details, but here are a few thoughts:

1. Younger kids need less contract
2. Teens need more
3. Use precise wording that makes expectations clear
   1. We have recommended this in blended families especially
   2. The more involved in the agreement the greater the outcome
1. There is a section here with some very practical advice:
   1. On asking questions - important to teach our teens
      1. We taught ours the Daniel method based on Daniel 1
   2. On Cleanliness is good too
      1. Their rooms had to be clean before leaving for school or no TV for 24 hours

Dave and Bethlie continue their series on the book The DNA of Parent-Teen Relationships.

Chapter 5. How to Argue with Teenagers and Come Out as Closer Friends

1. 5,000 adults asked what they wished their parents had done differently during times of conflict
   1. They wished their parents had listened more
   2. They wished they could have talked about feelings more.
   3. They wished they had talked to their parents more
2. Begin by listening - James 1:19
   1. Sometimes we men don't know what to say to connect to our children's emotions - listening is a huge part of the battle
3. Allow their emotion to touch you
   1. Take time to feel their pain
   2. Take time to feel their sadness
4. Four destructive ways to argue
   1. Continually withdrawing from an argument
   2. Letting them escalate into hurtful name calling fights
   3. Belittling or invalidating each other during an argument
   4. Believing that a family member is tryin to hurt, frustrate, or cause fear on purpose.
5. Drive-thru talking!

We're taking a break from our book study this week and focusing on a very important topic in our society. During this season of high emotions in our country, join Dave and Bethlie as they look at emotions and personality from a Biblical standpoint.

This episode originally aired on episode 142.

Dave and Bethlie begin a new series on the book The DNA of Parent-Teen Relationships.

This is a great book about navigating the teen years.

I love the quotes that are at the beginning of each chapter:

Any adult who behaves the way that teenagers behave would be judged as certifiably insane. Ana Freud

In no order of things is adolescence the simple time of life.

-Jean Erskine Stewart

Fifty years from now it will not matter what kind of car you drove, what kind of house you lived in, how much you had in your bank account, or what your clothes looked like. But the world may be a little better because you were important in the life of a child.

-anonymous

Many of the others are verses.

Here are some of the subjects he tackles:

• How to make the teen years the best years
• How to keep anger levels low
• How to argue with a teen and come out as closer friends
• Finding the best solution in any conflict
• How democracy can bring responsibility to your home
• Strengthening your relationship with your teenager
• Helping teens make lemonade out of life's "lemons"
• Helping teens maintain and regain their virginity
• When teenagers walk away from the light
• Leaving home in honor

Chapter Three - Keeping Anger Levels Low

1. Unresolved anger is the number one enemy of our teen's healthy development and spiritual growth.
2. Three faces of unresolved anger
   1. Hurt feelings
   2. Frustration
   3. Fear/Feeling unsafe
3. What does it look like?
   1. Relationally - We distance from others
   2. Spiritually - We walk in the dark
   3. Emotionally - we close our heart
4. What provokes anger?
   1. Sarcastic jokes and comments
   2. Refusing to let them think on their own
      1. That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard
      2. You are too young to understand
      3. Who asked you?
5. Four steps in opening a teen closed spirit
   1. Reflect tenderness
      1. Lower your voice
      2. Become gentle in heart
      3. Speak slowly
      4. Get down on one knee
      5. Relax your facial expressions
   2. Increase your own understanding
      1. Empathy is identifying and understanding the other person's situation, feeling, and motives
   3. Admit the offense
      1. Write a note of apology
      2. And so forth
   4. Seek Forgiveness

Join Dave and Bethlie discuss as they discuss part 2 of thei 4th book in this series. Solving Marriage Problems by Jay E. Adams.

Part 2

Chapter 5 - More Unbiblical concepts about marriage

1. One's priorities must change radically with marriage.
2. Marriage is a commitment to become a new person.

Chapter 6 deals with handling Stubborn Habits that wreck a marriage

1. A habit is dislodged only by crowding it out with its biblical alternative.
2. No change commanded by God is unrealistic for those who know Christ as their Savior and are willing to do things His way.

Chapter 7 deals with communication

1. Communication is essential for developing and maintaining the deep intimacy that God designed for the marriage relationship.
2. The Christian walk (subject of Ephesians 4-6) is not a solitary walk. Harmony in walk requires harmony in talk.
3. Mishandled anger is one of he biggest hindrances to communication
   1. Clamming up
   2. Blowing up
4. Truth may hurt, but in the long run it will not hurt like a lie
5. And truth can be told to another, if it is relevant and spoken in the right manner

Chapter 10

1. The parent-child relationship is temporary: God says it must be broken.
2. The husband wife relationship is permanent.

Dave and Bethlie discuss the 4th book in this series. Solving Marriage Problems by Jay E. Adams.

Chapter 1

p. 2. Husbands and wives must grow as individuals in conformity to Christ in order to be compatible with each other.

What this book is all about?

1. Marriage problems of all sorts.
2. Causes of these problems
3. Ways of detecting, categorizing, naming and describing problems in a biblical manner.
4. Ways of reaching biblical solutions to marriage problems

Chapter 3 - What causes Marriage Problems?

1. The basic cause is always sin. But sin manifests itself in two ways: in erroneous concepts and in sinful attitudes or practices p 11
2. Wrong living will be changed only by rooting out the fundamental cause in a person's thinking. P. 12
3. Correcting organic problems do not make everything better. An organic problem may include bad attitudes to develop or cause a breakdown in communication. Correcting the problem does not automatically correct the attitude and the communication. Those have to be corrected separately.

Chapter 4 - UnBiblical Concepts about Marriage

1. The purpose of marriage is to meet man's need for companionship. Marriage was designed to defeat loneliness. Companionship, therefore, is the essence of marriage.
   1. This is why fornication, adultery and polygamy are wrong. They vitiate true companionship because they destroy the intimacy of a constant, close relationship.
2. The Obligation of marriage is to vow to provide companionship for another for the rest of their lives. It is not about receiving companionship but about giving it.

Join Dave and Bethlie as they discuss the third book in this series entitled Books That Can Help and Why. This series they'll be discussing Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman.

1. About the author
   1. Dr. Leman is a psychologist and best-selling author
   2. He is also a radio and tv personality
   3. He is a speaker
2. About the book
   1. Dr. Leman says that sex is about the quality of your entire love life
   2. His book is a challenge to give your spouse the best gift ever—a sexually enthusiastic mate
   3. Not just a how to book but a do it yourself look at why to do it and how to do it better
   4. He writes about what goes on in our brains and in our relationship with our spouse and how to overcome some errors and also to use what we learn to our advantage
3. A few good points
   1. "The physical aspect will usually take care of itself if the relationship is healthy. If you decide to become sexually adventurous as a couple, you're not going to do things perfectly, anyway; you're going to fail, and hopefully, you'll laugh about it when you do. Nobody's sex life is such that every experience is a ten. You may have to be satisfied with regular eights or sixes and even an occasional three. P 10
   2. This book is written "to hep you understand what a unique and wonderful gift you are to each other, as well as the unique and wonderful ways you can express your love in a very physical and pleasurable sense." P 10
   3. "Sex is part of a relationship." P 12
   4. "Why do you think that God reserves sex for marriage? I believe that one of the reasons (which gets very little attention, unfortunately) is that good sex is not easy and it's very personal."
   5. "Abstinence doesn't make the loins grow hotter, it just begets more abstinence." P 184
   6. "We live in a world that glorifies youth, uncommitted sex, and bodies that require a ridiculous amount of self-serving time in the gym. Let's turn that around. Let's reaffirm the bodies of women who have generously and selflessly produced life for one, two, three, or four babies. Let's appreciate those men who work hard to support their families and who don't have time to stop off at the gym and lift weights because they're eager to get home and play with their kids" p 238[';;
4. A few challenges from the author about reading the book
   1. One to you who are living together but not married - this book is not for you
      1. "If you are living with someone outside of marriage, I suggest you move out and start over. The two of you may still make it work, but if you can't make it work outside of marriage without being sexually active, odds are that the marriage will soon fall apart anyway." p. 19
   2. One for those who are uncomfortable talking about sex in a forthright manner.
      1. He is rather frank. So be warned!
5. So some good quotes:
   1. Good lovers learn to know their lover better than they know themselves. You've got to stop viewing sex through your perception alone and start viewing in through your spouse's eyes." P 32
   2. Great marital sex is about learning to love someone else the way he or she wants to be loved. p. 33
6. Some recommended chapters
   1. Learning to make music, the first night and beyond
      1. Very good for those about to get married
      2. Very good in preparing for the honeymoon
   2. For women only
   3. For men only
   4. 31 flavors (not ice cream)
      1. 31 suggestions for keeping your love life exciting and fresh
   5. Turning off the turnoffs
   6. Sex's greatest enemy
      1. For women - weariness
         1. Chapter 14 is called "too pooped to whoop"
         2. It gives practical advice for dealing with weariness
      2. For men - lack of pursuit on the part of the wife
         1. A man wants to be needed and wanted and prized
   7. Sex in the Winter - about getting older and how to face it and handle it well and enjoy sexual relations as you do

Dave and Bethlie continue their multi-part series on the book Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp.

Part 4

5. The rod defined - p. 104

1. "The rod is a parent, in faith toward God and faithfullness toward his or her children, undertaking the responsibility of careful, timely, measured, and controlled use of physical punishment to underscore the importance of obeying God, thus rescuing the child from continuing in his foolishness unto death."
   1. It is a parental exercise
   2. 2. It is an act of faith in God and His Word
   3. It is an act of faithfulness - an expression of love and comitment
   4. It is an act of responsibility - not a parent determining to punish, but a parent determining to obey
   5. It is an act of physical punishment
      1. 1. Not venting or parental anger
         2. Not frustration
         3. Not based on a feeling of my child is bothering me
         4. It is always measured and controlled
   6. It is a rescue mission
      1. Rescues the child from continuing in foolishness
      2. To ignore your child's rebellion against God's authority is to ultimately brings God's greater chastisement into their lives.

6. The Rod clarified

1. Not unbridled temper
2. Not the right to hit my child
3. Not venting or frustration
4. Not retribution
   1. Not payment but restoration
5. Not vindictive

7. The Rod objected

1. I love my child too much too spank
   1. You love yourself too much to spank them
2. I am afraid I will hurt them
   1. "Biblically-balanced discipline never physically endangers a child"
3. I am afraid it will make him rebellious and angry
   1. Proverbs 29:17 teaches the exact opposite
4. I am afraid it will teach them to hit
   1. Only if you spank in anger
5. It doesn't work
   1. It doesn't when you spank in anger or out-of-control
   2. It doesn't when you are inconsistent
   3. It doesn't when you fail to be persistent
   4. It doesn't when you aren't effective
6. I could be arrested for child abuse
   1. Only spank in the privacy of your home and do it right

Dave and Bethlie continue their multi-part series on the book Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp.

PART 3

4. His comments about the ROD are really good in chapter 11

1. 1. Children are not born morally and ethically neutral
      1. If they are they don't need correction, just direction
      2. If they are not, then they need correction
      3. Our child's problem is that he or she is a sinner!
   2. p. 102. Folly is the problem we have to address according to proverbs
      1. Folly is not childishness
      2. Folly describes the person who does not fear God
         1. A fools life is run by his desires and fears
         2. The fool lives out of the immediacy of his lusts, cravings, expectations, hopes, and fears
   3. The issue is authority
      1. Will a child live under the authority of God and his parents?
      2. Will he/she live under their own authority?
      3. All children choose to live under their own authority:
         1. I don't want my diaper changed
         2. I don't want to sit quietly at the table during this meal
         3. You are going to make me and if you do I will scream and throw a huge fit
         4. Leave this to take root and grow, and it produces "a rebellious teenager who will not allow anyone to rule him."
         5. "God has ordained the rod of discipline for this condition." p. 103
         6. "Confrontation, with the immediate and undeniably tactile sensation of a spanking, renders an implacable child sweet." (p. 103)
         7. The quote on p 103 is massively important

4. The rod's function

1. 1. 1. 1. 1. It imparts wisdom Pr 29:15, which is tied to the fear of god
            2. "It creates an atmosphere in which instruction can be given. The spanking renders the child compliant and ready to receive life-giving words." (p 104)
            3. Tripp deals with the question - don't all children eventually learn to obey? He say NO!! Proverbs 29:15, 17