Kick in the Panties

The Panty Kickers talk about the (very needed!) practice of letting go of the friendships that aren’t serving us. Friends are the family of our choice, so how do you choose to have the most positive, encouraging, and fun friend group that feels like solid kin?

“I have lost friends, some by death…others by sheer inability to cross the street.”

― Virginia Woolf

Carolyn says:

* The mark of a great friendship is that time can pass and you can always pick up where you left off.* Toxic friends want to tear you down, not build you up!* If it’s hard to share your life with your friend, it might be a toxic friendship.* When you are unhappy, it’s hard to share your life with others.

Some signs you have a toxic friend:

* They’re jealous of you.* They’ll try to ruin your good mood.* Misery loves company, toxic friends will shade you in front of a big group.* They’ll discourage you from trying to achieve your dream.* See how you feel after spending time with your friends, if your friendship is toxic you may find yourself feeling drained, upset and questioning.

Becca says:

* As you age you rely on friendships less, and that’s okay!* Friendships are best when they have less judgement and more light hearted support, enjoyment, and fun.* You don’t have to choke hold every single thing that ever came into your life, let things go if it’s time to go. Be happy for what it is.* We all have a responsibility to keep ourselves alive, happy and growing.

5 Things that can cause you to need to move away from old friendships:

* Major changes in life: job, commute, location, marriage, kids * Major changes in attitude or belief: religion, eating, drinking, working out, habits, am/pm rituals* Codependence – if you want to end the behavior you did with your pal you may need to end the friendship too* Discovery of Self – friends mirroring the authentic you of TODAY* Envy and jealousy – TOXIC! – when a friend gets what you want before you have it it can be difficult to be happy for them, and if you can’t truly be happy for each other your friendship is toxic.  Get out.

How to walk away from a friendship that isn’t working:

* Fade away/Limit contact – Compulsory “lets have lunch” (everyone knows what that means)* It’s not you its me – deflect your feelings by using an excuse that is valid* Be direct and honest – 1 time but don’t get sucked into a black hole*  Work it out – If you aren’t ready to throw in the towel, have an honest conversation.  It will do one of two things, either blow it up (which would be fine) or bring you closer (which could be better).  If you both love each other, with a true sense of value and respect, then you will be willing to accommodate changes in each other’s lives.  One order of caution though, a big “meet me in the middle” talk should only be necessary a couple of times in a long term friendship, rehashing the same issues over and over or constantly reassuring someone is a needless waste of time and energy.

Subscribe, Rate, Review, Share and Recommend Kick in the Panties! Come to our website kickinthepanties.com to submit a question to Carol and Becca.

See you next week for Q&A “Dear Panty Kickers, I have a really difficult time opening up to female friends about my emotions. I pretend to have it all together because I don’t want them to think I’m a mess. I also feel somewhat competitive with them, I wish I didn’t but I’m always comparing.

SHOW NOTES – Q&A 11, Season 1 Becca has a question for Carol: “Did you clean out that room???” Carolyn has recently (not so recently) moved and has been neglecting to unpack the room that holds all of her recording equipment for making “C The Girl’s Girl”, Carol’s YouTube channel (which is AWESOME and can be found here: C The Girl’s Girl)

Carolyn says:

* She was excited but scared when new opportunities started to come out of her hard work.* She is afraid of the success more than she’s afraid of the failure.* So many things changing at once was scary also!* Not having a formal education makes her uncomfortable.* She’s not even looking at her channel, total avoidance!* She’s not used to not working, and being out of work is making her

Becca’s Prescription:

* Go back and watch all of the old videos to get re-inspired (some of those videos have 4,000 views!) * Burn the boats!* Focus on the baby, but do get the room cleaned up and start thinking about how that will be your space later.* Make a deadline for when the first new video will come out. * Write down the next 16 videos you’re going to make.* Reach out to one person you admire and talk to them about your work.

We would LOVE to answer your questions!  Please DM us on FB, Instagram or use the “write to us” button on our website, kickinthepanties.com

https://www.facebook.com/KITPpodcast

See you next week for a really exciting Episode 12 on Friend Shedding

xoxo Carolyn and Becca

The Panty Kickers go deep on passive aggressive behavior. What causes us to deploy this senseless method when communicating with our loved ones and why do we let it constantly show up our day to day lives?

5 Signs You’re Dealing with a Passive Aggressive Person:

* The silent treatment* Subtle insults* Sullen Behavior* Stubbornness* Failure to finish required tasks

10 Things Passive Aggressive People Say:

* I’m not mad* Fine, whatever* I’m coming* I didn’t know you meant now* You just want everything to be perfect* I thought you knew* Sure, I’d be happy too 🙂* You’ve done so well for someone with your education level* I was only joking* Why are you getting so upset?

Carolyn says:

* We are taught from an early age to avoid our feelings or shut them down* We suffer from fear and avoidance of being direct* It’s okay to be angry! Own your feelings, they are valid and are worth talking about* Wait until you cool down to confront

Becca says:

* As women, we are not socialized to speak up but are criticized when we are passive aggressive* How other’s feel should impact us as empathic people (if we didn’t care how other’s felt we’d be sociopaths) but we can’t let it ruin our day, week, month, year, life!  * Being passive aggressive causes people to lose trust in you* All we can control is how we show up in interactions with others (hopefully kind, truth-minded and transparent) our intentions and honoring our individual ideals about what it means to be a good person

Homework:  Identify a place in your life where you are being passive aggressive.  What are you feeling in that moment?  Why can’t you be honest/direct?  What is a different way to approach that situation in the future?

Subscribe, Rate, Review, Share and Recommend Kick in the Panties! Come to our website kickinthepanties.com to submit a question to Carol and Becca.

See you next week for Q&A “Carolyn, did you clean up your room?!?!??!”

XO Panty Kickers

SHOW NOTES – Q&A 10, Season 1 Paula writes: “Dear Panty Kickers, I’m a woman in my early forties who has a question about daily routine.  I figured out some solid routines in my 30s that really works for me, but lately have been feeling a little stale.  Do you have any advice on how to shake things up?  I don’t want to wake up in five or ten more years and still be in the same place, but I’m not necessarily motivated to do something different.” 

Carolyn says:

* Be like Carol’s Mom and start doing things for yourself as soon as possible. * Trying new things can open you up to new experiences.* Think about what you liked doing as a child, and add some of those things into your daily life.

Becca says:

* Go to places you don’t normally go, do your normal thing in a new environment. * Travel far if you can but even spending time at other people’s homes and seeing how they live can give you new ideas about how to approach your life. * Engage with those around you to get new ideas about your own existence.

We would LOVE to answer your questions!  Please DM us on FB or use the “write to us” button on our website, kickinthepanties.com

https://www.facebook.com/KITPpodcast

See you next week for a really exciting Episode 11 on Passive Aggression

xoxo Carolyn and Becca

The Panty Kickers talk about what it takes to step into your dream job (& life!). The Panty Kickers think finding the “right” job doesn’t neccessarily mean it’s the job of your dreams, but one that enables the life of your dreams. Tips and tricks on how better to understand how work can fit seamlessly into the overall picture.

Questions we can ask about our work:

* Would you do your job even if you weren’t getting paid to do it?  * What can you do for hours on end without noticing time going by?* What feedback do you get from those in your life about what you’re good at?* How do you want to balance time, money, commute/location, and level engagement?

Carolyn says:

* Decide if you want to burn the boats or have a back up plan.* Having a day job to support you through can give you the comfort and bandwidth to pursue* Sacrifice will be inherent in pursuing your dream job WHILE working, be prepared to give up social life, TV, and other luxuries to make this happen – it’s worth it!* Take care of yourself, you will suffer burn out if you simply go go go go go. Make a self care routine and fit in your sanity whenever possible.

Becca says:

* MAKE A PLAN! Don’t just pick steps out of the sky, make a detailed plan of attack and do one step at a time. Research what it takes to be in a new field including talking with others who have the job you think you want.  People love talking about themselves, ask around and offer to take someone established to coffee.* Figuring out if what you love to do is PROFITABLE, and if not, what could be tolerable/enjoyable to do to support the thing you LOVE to do* Make your current job closer to what you want.  If you’re ALMOST happy where you are, have some candid talks with your boss about what changes you’d like to see and what you can do to open up those possibilities. Research what it takes to be in a new field including talking with others who have the job you think you want.  People love talking about themselves, ask around and offer to take someone established to coffee.* Save up!* Be open to pivots

A couple more takeaways:

* Find out more about your competencies and personality by using a tool like the Myers/Briggs test.* Use your personality to find a job suitable to you. If you work with in your core competencies you will be happier and more productive.* Don’t stop growing, each opportunity you embrace will bring you closer to your eventual happy resting place.

Homework:  Go to 16personalities.com and take the free Myers/Briggs test. Feel free to share your results with us on FB, on our website or by email: [email protected]

BREAKING NEWS: We are now available on STITCHER, OVERCAST AND SPOTIFY!  Please rate, review, and share a favorite episode with a friend! Sharing REALLY HELPS us!

See you next week for Paula’s Question “Do I need to shake up routines that are working for me?”, and on May 27th for our next full length episode: Passive Aggression

XO Panty Kickers

SHOW NOTES – Q&A 8, Season 1 Taylor writes: “Not a question, I guess, but I read this article this week and found it super interesting and relevant to something you two might talk about. I’m always looking for ways to fight procrastination, and learning some of the brain mechanics behind it is helpful.” We agree, thanks Taylor!

The article says:

* We procrastinate because we have unpleasant emotional ties to the work in question.* Procrastination gives the immediate pleasure of achievement but can lead to long term negative effects like depression, anxiety and feelings of self-doubt and unworthiness. * We are present-minded beings who don’t necessarily feel connected to what’s “best” for our future selves.* A dangerous cycle exists where we procrastinate because we have anxiety and then feel terrible about procrastinating which leads to more anxiety which leads of course, to more procrastination. Can be addicting!

Carolyn says:

* Having so much free time can be paralyzing. Having the time to actually tackle a big project and not being able to do it may mean there are emotional blocks at play.* Meditating can help to bring focus when you feel overwhelmed by too much time. * Forgive yourself and move on weightlessly when you make a misstep, holding onto bad feelings about who you are only leads to more of the same.

Becca says:

* Creating a life where there is very little free time can be an ultimate level procrastination tool.* You need time to reflect and process to see what the next steps are.* It can feel great momentarily to conquer ANY tasks, but long term it feels terrible to not make headway on what’s important (and scary because of the importance!) to you.

We would LOVE to answer your questions!  Please DM us on FB or use the “write to us” button on our website, kickinthepanties.com

https://www.facebook.com/KITPpodcast

See you next week for a really exciting Episode 10 on Dayjob VS Dreamjob

xoxo Carolyn and Becca

The Panty Kickers talk about how to focus in on what matters to you in the grand scheme of your life, and how to maintain a dedicated focus on the specific improvements you are trying to make.

Carolyn says:

* What you focus on you create more of – decide where you want to focus your best efforts.* When you focus on others you can’t be fulfilled with yourself.* Write down three things you want to focus on and examine what you’re focused on now.

Becca says:

* Dedicate time to your focus – block out at least 2-3 hours to be sure you get in the flow of your effort.* Mediation (sitting quietly, focusing on your breath and body) can help you use the new calm inside to push forward outside goals.* Doing nothing leads to doing something. Let silence be around you so you can hear your inner voice.

Homework:  Sit quietly and write down three areas of your life (or specific goals) you want to focus on. This week, every time you are driving by yourself let it be quiet in the car so you can hear yourself and try to gear your thoughts toward your new focuses.

Subscribe, Rate, Review, Share and Recommend Kick in the Panties! Come to our website kickinthepanties.com to submit a question to Carol and Becca.

See you next week for Q&A “How can I beat procrastination?”

XO Panty Kickers

SHOW NOTES – Q&A 8, Season 1 Max writes: “I am so enjoying your podcast and I love that you and Carol are drawing the distinction between what can be the really idealistic realm of motivation and self improvement and the incremental reality of living life day to day. I’m not sure that I have a punchy one line question, but something I have been thinking a lot about lately is the decision to have or not have children, and the stigma and angst for women who fall on either side of that choice, or for whom it is eliminated completely by health circumstances. I’d be curious to hear about your choice to have kids, and it seems at different stages in your lives, and how that changed things for you. Did it live up to your expectations? What happened that you didn’t expect? What was the best and the worst part? As you may or may not know, as a pro athlete and artist, I have made a very conscious decision not to have kids. I don’t think my lifestyle can physically accommodate pregnancy, nor do I think that psychologically or financially I’ll ever be able to provide for a child in the way I would want to. I’m in a relationship- a new one- with a guy that’s really perfect for me, except he’s sure that he wants kids. Is it fair to continue to see him knowing that I can never fulfill that desire? It doesn’t seem like an area where one can find compromise- what do you think?”

Carolyn says:

* She thought having a baby could save a rocky relationship.* You have to be mature to have kids, if you aren’t ready you may make mistakes you’ll regret for a lifetime.* Being a mother can be very isolating.* Kids have their own personalities from day one – it’s so fulfilling to nurture their true selves.

Becca says:

* She became open to having children after meeting the “right” person.* Becoming a parent gave her a ton of insight into her relationship with her own parents.* The worst part is being unreasonably tired, the best is LIVING FOREVER.* Being honest about what you want from the onset is the only way to build a firm foundation.

We would LOVE to answer your questions!  Please DM us on FB or use the “write to us” button on our website, kickinthepanties.com

https://www.facebook.com/KITPpodcast

See you next week for a really exciting Episode 9 on Focus

xoxo Carolyn and Becca

The Panty Kickers talk about one of the biggest bads in all of our lives – OVERWHELM! This beast comes for all of us and in this day and age of technology you need to be crafty if you’re going to escape his wrath.

Carolyn says:

* Delegate. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Friends and family are here for you. Ask for someone to step in, or make a trade with other people who need help and pool your resources.* Outsource. What can you give up to make room for the funds to pay others to do what you’re terrible at or hate?* Write down your tasks and how long it takes to do each one so you can get a bird’s eye view of your time commitments.* Eventually the non-urgent tasks will become urgent so prioritize them now.* Try 10 minute clean ups, staying on top of the little stuff can help you feel more in control.

Becca says:

* Enlist a professional. It can be worth it to invest in some consulting to figure out where you are being inefficient. * Keep a list of not urgent/important things you have going on and pick a time (2-3 hours) on a Saturday once or twice a month where you can knock those things out.* Schedule time for yourself just like you schedule things for work. Make yourself a priority.

BOOK MENTION: 168 Hours, You Have More Time Than You Think – by Laura Vanderkam

Homework:  Create an Eisenhower Matrix of your own, separating your tasks into the four quadrants: urgent/important, urgent/not important, not urgent/important, and not urgent/not important and then resolve yourself to just not do the not urgent/not important tasks.

BREAKING NEWS: We wrote a post on Facebook! Check it out: facebook.com/KITPpodcast

See you next week for Q&A “How did you decide to have children” and more! Please don’t forget to write in with your questions.

XO Panty Kickers

SHOW NOTES – Q&A 7, Season 1 Thanks to Sharee for writing in this great question: “Is it easier for women to multitask than men?”

Carolyn says:

* Multitasking actually makes you less productive than doing one thing at a time.* If you think you’re a better multitasker, then you are probably the worst!* It’s actually impossible to do more than one thing at once, you’re just shifting focus rapidly and exhausting yourself.*

Becca says:

* Nobody should be multitasking.* You need long chunks of focused time to get “real” work done.* Don’t use your phone as the second thing (or third) thing you’re doing all the time!* Keep a running list of thoughts and block one chunk of time later to go through that list.

Let’s help each other by normalizing slower responses via text or email! Break the chains!

We would LOVE to answer your questions!  Please DM us on FB or use the “write to us” button on our website, kickinthepanties.com

https://www.facebook.com/KITPpodcast

See you next week for a really exciting Episode 8 on something we all struggle with from time to time: Overwhelm

xoxo Carolyn and Becca