At the very least, I wanted to make my divorce a net positive experience.   All the principles that are involved in making a marriage great, can also be applied to making a good, at the very least, a peaceful divorce. 

I’m grateful for having experienced marriage with my first husband.  Hopefully, I was a good first wife for him.   I am in a place, where I can safely say with laughter, about my ex being married to me:  “I’m surprised he lasted that long” 

*This episode was recorded prior to my dee-vorce podcast.  For my creative posterity's sake, I decided to publish it. 

Why did we get divorced? 
Short answer: jebus

Long version:   
Set and Setting.  Set signifies the person, who you are, your personality, your mindset.  Setting is the signifier for your environment.  Within my set and setting, this is how divorce, unfolded for me.  

My beliefs were upended, which led me to question everything about my life. Most importantly, I didn’t like the person I've become. I didn’t like who I was in my relationship. There were specific things, reasons, no one needs to know about but me,  that were deep enough to make me leave. 

Is marriage overrated?  Maybe. It would be naive for me to say, I came through the experience of divorce, relatively unmarred  because I am a good person.  Very far from it. 

I’m grateful to have gone through the experience of marriage.
I’ve also come to realize, marriage is not a costume I wish to wear. 

Music: 
(Intro) Dreamville by Reaktor Productions licensed via Premium Beat
 (Outro) Jukgal by James Chang 

Who is this broad ? and why are cabbages talking? 
All of your questions will not be answered, but it will give you an insight as to my "why". 

As we continue our conversation of our love for MMA, our deepest admiration is for the fighters.  The opera, that unfolds in the  15-25 minute inside the octagon, reveals without lies, what is inside each and every fighter.  Let's see what unfolds during the upcoming fights in March!

"...Knowing the other and knowing oneself, 
In one hundred battles no danger. 
Not knowing the other and knowing oneself, 
One victory for one loss.  
Not knowing the other and not knowing oneself, 
In eery battle certain defeat." 

Sun Tzu

I am an avid fan of the arts, and that include martial arts.  As Homer Simpson would say, I enjoy all the meats of our cultural stew. 

There is something magical about great artists - you don’t need any education to see the   wonder in the works of Basquiat, Monet or Georgia O’Keeffe.  Their greatness is almost intuitively awe inspiring.  
As I watch two fighters step into a ring, I feel that same sense of awe and respect for two martial artists, who have poured their lives and selfhood into a moment in time. 

I relish it all - the fighter’s stories, stories of their pets, learning about their workout regimen and tight bodies. 
The martial artistes all inspire, as well as shame me,  into working out harder. 
Humanity contained and unleashed in its rawest, primal form. 

I hope you enjoy this conversation as I share in the excitement over the upcoming UFC cards in March! 

I used to be with it, but then they changed what *it* was. Now what I'm with isn't *it*, and what's *it* seems weird and scary to me - Abraham Simpson 

Maybe I don’t have enough insight nor perspective on what it means to be getting “old”, yet. 
As my therapist would say, I am judging the experience before going through it. 
Part of getting old is terrifying and shitty. It’s akin to jumping off a cliff - it's inevitable that you will splatter on the ground.  Might as well enjoy the fall, squeeze life for all its worth. 

Albert Camus said : “But in the end one needs more courage to live than to kill himself.”

courage to be a failure 
courage to humble myself to the creative process
courage to cringe at myself and laugh

It’s all ego really.  What does my death mean in the grand scheme of things? Not much. 
This very thought used to frighten me, but less so, it’s starting to give me courage to live. 

Au final, il faut plus de courage pour vivre que pour se tuer

There is no doubt christianity shaped who I am today, for better or for worse. Remembering how heavily involved I was, heart-mind-soul (and money) to jesus, my christian past can still arouse some deep emotions.  
In my quest to awaken from religion, I came across professor Bart D. Ehrman’s work, who was once a staunch born again christian, now an agnostic.  Reading his work brought me solace - I wasn’t crazy after all. 

Prof. Ehrman’s aptly describes, in his book “God’s Problem”, why he is no longer a believer: 

“Some people think that they know the answers. Or they aren’t bothered by the questions. I’m not one of those people. I have been thinking intensely about these questions for many, many years.  I have heard the answers, and even though I once “knew’ and was satisfied with these answers, I am no longer satisfied” 

Here is a follow up conversation with my ex-husband on the aftermath of leaving our church. 

Drugs are very near and dear to my heart.  You can interchange the word drugs with “altered state of consciousness”.  This is what interests me, be it through drugs, meditation, yoga, sex or food. My experiences with drugs have sparked profound life changing revelations. 

I’ve been sober for the first 30 years of my life and I certainly plan to live the rest of my life in these so called  "altered states of consciousness".  Strangely enough, psychedelics and cannabis, have opened my spirituality once again. 

Here is a cannabis, mushroom infused conversation between two friends, as to why we definitely do eat "that". 

From born-again christian, wading through life as an apostate in my 30s, to re-discovering spirituality through drugs,  I am figuring my life out before my savings run out. 

As Sisyphus walked down the hill, I climbed down the proverbial hill to start my life all over again - a life without a husband and without procreating.    
It all started for me in the church. Here is a conversation with my ex-husband, as we reflect on the cult we escaped together, as we smoke a peace pipe.