Johnny's sons are avid surfers. In fact, they will drive over an hour to Dave's family's oceanfront summer home to surf, wait for it, in the winter. Is it cold? Hell yes! But the boys have neoprene wetsuits, hoods, gloves and booties. Still sound cold? YES! Well, that's no problem for our intrepid young men. They have a special, if not disgusting, trick to keep warm.

It's no secret that Dave is not above placing a wager or two at our local Indian-run casino, especially while he's trying to corrupt his younger, more impressionable cousins under the guise of celebrating their twenty-first birthdays. And it will also come as no surprise that Dave has zero patience for idiots, fools and folks who couldn't buy a clue if they hit every slot machine jackpot on the floor. With all this in mind, the burning question from his latest foray into gambling is: where's Bob?

The Oscar ceremony has come and gone and was much like all the previous shows in that it was full of self-congratulating, constant preening, long-winded, forgettable, usually humorless, megalomaniacal, verbal self-pleasuring and seemingly endless "moments." With all the plastic surgery "victims" in attendance, it was often hard to tell some of the players without a scorecard. In the end, it was all just too predictable, which, coincidently, is also the problem with most of the films Hollywood puts out these days.

Up here in sophisticated New England we've had a tough, cold winter with a lot of snow. We assume it's been worse in places like Minnesota and Canada ... but we don't care. Spring can't come fast enough as far as we're concerned. Just the other day, Johnny was up on his roof shoveling snow because water was leaking into his living room. His ladder was frozen solid and he needed a sledgehammer to "fix" it. We all want the warm sunshine, now. It's gotten so bad we even miss the mosquitoes.

There's a hot mess of trouble in this crazy world these days and our amateur President is doing what he always does, nothing. We guess, in a way, that's a good thing, because he'd probably only make it worse. Leadership? What's that? Common sense policies? You're kidding, right? America, a troubled world turns it's lonely eyes to you. And what do they get for a response? (Cue the crickets) They get a big fat '0' as in O-bama and his merry band of incompetent cabinet members. We're just sayin'...

Dave's idea of a good time is lying in bed and binge-watching "House of Cards" on his iPad mini while drinking 18-year-old scotch. Fair enough. What Johnny doesn't seem to understand is how does Dave fit the DVDs into that little tablet and the whole red envelope "thing." We think Johnny may need a software update.

Ah, the "holiday" most men dread above all others, Valentine's Day. Why? Because it's not for us and we don't want to be "that guy" at the CVS at the last minute grabbing any old card and a heart-shaped box of crappy chocolates because we don't want to deal with a week of the silent treatment. Romance, ain't it grand

Football is over and baseball doesn't truly start for another two months. So what are we going to do to assuage our hunger for televised sports that count? Well, the answer for the ladies and some dance-oriented men is the virtual non-stop figure skating exhibition that is the winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia. Oh by the way, it's BYOP; bring your own pillow. Fabulous!

Have you ever encountered THAT guy at a children's sporting event who is loud, obnoxious and "borderline" abusive toward the refs, opposing coaches and parents? Well then, you've probably met our Johnny. His "Legend-ness" has been asked to leave each of his children's games on many an occasion. And it's not like the targets of his disdain didn't have it coming; it's just his delivery system that is somewhat questionable. In short, Johnny is a bad fan.

So, Johnny's great idea was to load his eleven-year-old niece Tanya into his Ford pick up truck and drive the 475 miles from Boston to DC to attend the B'nai Mitzvah ceremony for his twin cousins. Much to Johnny's chagrin, Tanya did not like anything about the trip except for the hotel room and McDonald's drive-thru. Plus, now Johnny knows all of Miley, Katy, Bruno and Bieber's songs by heart. Does anyone know where Johnny can rent a wrecking ball?