Ah, the lovely month of April, resplendent ($10 word) with tulips, forsythia, rain showers, robins, baseball, the Boston Marathon, and, alas, the ugly and dooming certainty of tax day. We know some of you like to get a lump sum refund after you've financed the government interest-free for a year. But for Dave and Johnny, make that Johnny's wife, it's time to pay up, big time. So, tune in to bask in the suffering of others as they endure the agony of their first-world problems. And, don't forget to pay your "fair share."

Johnny may look like your typical union leg-breaker, but underneath all that subcutaneous fat and baldness he's just an old softie, especially when it comes to his beloved 11-year-old niece Tanya. Recently, he was entrusted with two simple jobs: buy Tanya new glasses for no more than $150 and keep boys out of her bedroom. Johnny went 0 for 2 that day and his wife and children have been merciless in their admonishment ever since. Don't worry though, all is fine, except for Johnny's crushed sense of self-worth.

Dave called Verizon to ask a simple service question. An hour later he had been put on hold dozens of times, forced to listen to what could loosely be called music and upsold up the yin yang. All he wanted was a simple answer but alas, 'twas not to be. To Dave's credit, he was uncharacteristically patient and good-natured considering he was clearly trapped in his own personal Verizon of hell.

At the end of a long and typically frustrating day there is nothing Dave enjoys more than unwinding with a tumbler filled with a little ice and a healthy "dose" of eighteen-year-old single-malt scotch. Not that he's obsessive or compulsive about his beverage of choice ... well, okay, maybe just a wee bit. And don't tell him he has a drinking problem. On the contrary friends, he knows exactly what he's doing and to him, it's no problem at all. Cheers lads.

Every year Dave takes his family to Disney World. And every year the "magic" is enjoyed by young and old alike. And every year Dave sees his fellow park attendees strolling down Main Street with one particular mouth-watering delicacy tightly clutched in their soon-to-be greasy hands. We're talking turkey legs boys and girls. We're talking turkey legs that never missed "leg day" at the turkey gym. We're talking turkey legs that look like brontosaurus legs and taste like ham. Yup - ham. To make matters worse - Dave always takes the bait. Here's our own definition of insanity: buying a turkey leg every year and expecting it to taste like ... turkey!!!

For most adults who drive their children to school each morning there is a clear understanding that the Blue Zone is a "kiss and drop" zone. We are supposed to pull up, plant a smooch on our beloved youngster and then carefully drive away. But in Johnny's tony suburb rules are meant only for the "peasants" and can be casually ignored because some people are just more important than the rest of us. And the sooner we understand that, the better off we will all be.

Today we get to hear about Dave's softer side. And, as the collective jaws of 2Legends Nation drop in utter shock, we assure you a "kinder gentler" Dave does indeed exist. You see, Dave and his family adopted a rescue dog as a birthday present for his younger son. Dave does have to draw the niceness "line in the sand" somewhere, and in this case, it's in the dog food aisle ... on the bottom shelf. Because, compared with what the new dog wants to eat, the cheap stuff is like manna from heaven.

Johnny has one appointment with his dentist in the morning and another with his diabetes doctor in the afternoon. Dave hasn't been to any doctor's office in a long, long while and doesn't plan on going anytime soon. Dave just doesn't want anyone poking or palpitating any part of his body while Johnny is sadly resigned to the fact that he is one of the afflicted and thus he must suffer the indignity of regular cavity searches.

"They" say breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, "they" and Dave clearly are not on the same page of the menu. On the other hand, while Johnny is enjoys a hearty classic breakfast, he is already thinking about lunch, dinner and the snacks in between. It's not that Dave doesn't like to eat, "au contraire mon ami," it's just that the morning meal isn't his "thing" and thus he misses out on the cavalcade of solitary older men who go to McDonald's and stare silently out the window while ingesting a serving of eggs shaped like a hockey puck.

Have you ever been sitting at your favorite bar, minding your own (multiple-martini-imbibing) business, when some jerk shows up and ruins everything? Well, it happened to Dave and he was surprised to learn that this time he wasn't the problem. And be sure to listen for Dave's perfect scenario of a just ending for his latest and truly undeserved nemesis.