Jules and Molly Load up Sburb

Jake shows us around his island as we get a look at some frightening fauna. Roxy calls about wondering about his wriggling day and talks about being pale with him and Jane. Wait, how does she know what that is? Dirk finally talks and he and Jane discuss the dangerously annoying Lil' Seb. A joke from act one pays off and Jane finally gets the mail. Meanwhile John finds out it's going to take them three years to get to the new session and sends a lewd letter to Karkat. Meanwhile the meteor crew turn their back on the bodies and that goes about as well as it always does. Also sloppy makeouts.

Ashley and Molly return to Earth, but not everything is as it seems. Molly is back to knowing nothing about Homestuck. Why are people trying to kill Jane Crocker, heir to the Betty Crocker empire? Why does Jake English have stuff that looks a lot like Lord English? Who is this strange troll talking to Jane? Why does Jake have lusus bed sheets? Who let Roxy have booze? Why are all these kids so THIRSTY????

Molly and Ashley discover the secret locked behind a door in Doc Scratch's apartment. He tells them and his secret protegee about the history of trolls, specifically before they scratched their game. Andrew Hussie jumps into the comic and finally becomes a real character. The scratch finally happens, people die, people ascend, suckers are revealed and the promise of a new universe awaits.

Ashley and Molly have to pick up the panels after Doc Scratch beats up a ruffian. This leaves with an alarming amount of free will. They have a variety of stories to choose from! Are they going to read about Dave and Rose and who is piloting the now very real suicide mission? Or maybe they are going to hear the sad story of Vriska meeting a John who doesn't seemt to remember her? Perhaps they'll find out what the returning Davesprite knows about the true nature of denizens? Will they find what is behind the locked door in Doc Scratch's apartment and who "she" is? Will they be reunited with Jade and Karkat as they talk about frogs and receive an impossible task? Or maybe they'll get in a rap off with Gamzee and Tavros for some reason. Of course, the answer is "All of them." That's the only answer when you have free will.

Well hello there. The girls known as Molly and Ashley have run into a bit of a snag. Their disc has been scratched and it's going to take until the end of Act 5 to fix it. How dreadful. Well it would be if a gracious host didn't come to their rescue and show them hospitality. Truly they are so lucky. I show them some people who are not so lucky as one of the favorites of the podcast is killed off and another is in grave mortal danger now. The girls do seem to like my apartment and go on and on how Homestuck plays with the canvas of webpages. As fires are lit and Felt are killed they are only beginning to know the full extent of my power and influence. Ha Ha. He He. Ho Ho.

AT LAST, THE EPISODE EVERYONE HAS BEEN WAITING FOR. WE ARE GOING TO TALK SO MUCH ABOUT ALL THE DIFFERENT WAYS TROLLS JERK OFF INTO BUCKETS SO THAT MUSCLEBOUND DRONES CAN PUMP THEIR GROSS SEX-GOOP INTO A HORRIBLE WORM MONSTER THAT SQUIRTS OUT GROSS LARVAE. HAPPY JANUARY TWENTY-SECOND EVERYONE

Rose has gone Grimdark and this means that she now has one track mind to kill Bec Noir. She meets up with John who finally learns the fate of his dad. Dave grieves(?) for his bro and then tries to get his sword out of him. Terezi interrogates Dave for his feelings as he starts to open up. Terezi meanwhile is getting ready to fight Vriska but ends up getting involved in trying to find Homestuck Disc 2.

Molly and Ashley find out why exactly you never turn your back on the body as another troll body gets added to the pile. Doomed Dave has a conversation with a very much alive Aradia. She explains how Homestuck's after life works and then tells a group of friends just who that mysterious Doc Scratch is. Doc Scratch has a conversation with one of his many protegees and Rose finally goes dark.

Troll culture is weird. And violent. And WEIRD. and it turns out that when you combine that with the emotional turbelence of adolescence, it creates PROBLEMS. Vriska can't decide if she wants to murder everyone or be loved by everyone. Equius is an aristocratic racist who just wants to be dommed SO BAD. Karkat is deeply ashamed and embarrassed by the color of his blood, and feels the need to keep it a closely-guarded secret. And it seems like everybody, EVERYBODY, is obssessed with romance. But that probably won't come up in a meaningful way. Also Ashley spends like ten minutes explaining the plot of the last Twilight movie to me??