Let's Parent on Purpose: Christian Marriage, Parenting, and Discipleship

This is part three of a four part series to help parents and teens improve their communication and reduce conflict. It’s adapted from a parent/teen retreat and includes small group questions you help you process the material as a family. Every family is going to have conflict. We need a better conflict toolbox to allow us to win the person and not the argument. Today we look at principles from Proverbs as well as Chris Voss’ book Never Split the Difference: Communicating Like Your Life Depends on it. I also share some of the most helpful marriage counseling advice I’ve ever been given.

Key Points:

1. You’re going to have disagreements and conflict. You need a better conflict toolbox.

2. The vast majority of conflict work is done before the conflict. Refill the love bank!

3. People want to be understood and appreciated. 4. Tools for conflict:

• Be a Mirror - Active listening and reflecting

• Accusation Audit - Admit the ugly truth and state your worst case

• Tactical Empathy - State their case and feelings in the best way you can (you don’t have to agree).

• Getting to “that’s right” rather than “you’re right”!
5. The best way to win the conflict is to seek to win the person! 6. Marriage tips for “fighting fair”

• Never use the words “always” or “never”

• Stick to the subject even if it means you’re going to “lose” the argument

• Make enough time for the discussion and take a time out if you need Discussion Questions with your family after listening:

1.What was the most important thing you heard from this episode?

Remember to try to use the toolbox as we continue the questions

1. Be a mirror - active listening and reflecting

2. Accusation audit - admit the ugly truth and state your worst case

3. Tactical Empathy - state the other side’s case and feelings as best as you

   can

4. Getting to “That’s Right” instead of “Your Right”

2. One of the main points was “everyone wants be understood and appreciated.” Can you think of something in your household where you feel either misunderstood or unappreciated? Share the situation if you feel comfortable. Others in the group should practice listening and interacting using the toolbox. Stick to the subject and don’t switch topics in the middle. See if you can get to a place where one of the people listening can restate your case in such an accurate way that you say “That’s Right”.
4. Take a turn and let someone else go.
5. What do you think would be the most helpful tool in the toolbox to regularly use?
6. Are any of them confusing to you?
7. Do you feel like if you are appreciated and understood its easier to get past individual things that your family members might disagree on? Explain why or why not.

Resources Mentioned:

Sign up for my Things for Thursday Email: https://tinyurl.com/292kv68y

Episode 280: https://www.christianparenting.org/podcasts-post/communication-and-conflict-part-2-refilling-the-love-bank/#cp-podcast-enc-container

Episode 281: https://www.christianparenting.org/podcasts-post/communication-and-conflict-part-2-refilling-the-love-bank/

Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As if Your Life Depended On It by Chriss Voss and Tahl Raz https://amzn.to/3sOiBDu

This is part two of a four part series to help parents and teens improve their communication and reduce conflict. It’s adapted from a parent/teen retreat and includes small group questions you help you process the material as a family. Today’s episode focuses understanding the emotional love bank each family member has with one another. Once we learn the impact of deposits and withdraws, we can begin to build emotional security in our household relationships. We discuss applying the New Testament One Another’s to our family, identifying one another’s love languages, securing easy wins, and avoiding costly losses in our communication.

Key Points:


1. The Love Bank/Tank represents the amount of positive emotional reserves you have for each relationship.

2. Everyone wants to feel noticed, loved, and appreciated. We get to be the hands, feet, and mouth of Jesus to one another in the home!

3. As a general rule, people need to hear 5-10 affirmations for every cirque, otherwise they become insecure and resentful.

4. The Five Love Languages are helpful in understanding how individuals give and receive love. Your family will benefit if you know which ones each member values the highest: Quality Time, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, Gift Giving, Words of Affirmation.

5. Go for the easy wins and avoid the easy loses! Parents need to eliminate cut-downs and comparisons. Teens need to understand that lying breaks trust and relationships.

6. A full love bank allows for a secure relationship.

Discussion Questions with your family after listening:

1. What was the most important thing you heard in this episode?

2. If you’re being honest, how would you describe your love tank with each member of your family right now? Why do you say this?

3. Have you ever thought about how you’ve been called to be the hands, feet, and mouth of Jesus so they can feel secure in the Lord? What do you think about that?

4. When it comes to the five love languages, what ones help you feel loved the most? Which ones are the ways you most often try to express your love to others? Remember the languages are Quality Time, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, Gift Giving, and Words of Affirmation. What’s a specific way that your family members could help you feel more loved?

5. What’s an easy win way that someone can make a deposit into your love tank?

6. Take a time to encourage one another. What are a few specific things that you like about the people in your family? If they are in your group make sure you tell them!

7. Finish out by praying for each other!

Resources Mentioned:

Sign up for my Things for Thursday Email: https://tinyurl.com/292kv68y

For more detail on the Love Bank, check out my article “The Love Bank”: https://letsparentonpurpose.com/2017/10/30/the-love-bank/

His Needs Her Needs: Making Romantic Love Last by Willard F Harley Jr. https://amzn.to/3LDu92N

The Five Love Languages: Secrets to Love That Last by Gary Chapman https://amzn.to/3LzKztg

This is part one of a four part series to help parents and teens improve their communication and reduce conflict. It’s adapted from a parent/teen retreat and includes small group questions you help you process the material as a family. Today’s episode focuses on understanding the spiritual warfare behind many household conflicts and gives you tools for overcoming.

Key Points:

1. You have an enemy, and it’s not your family.

2. The combat theater is your mind. Satan’s weapon is your flesh, and your weapon is the armor of God.

3. The next combat theater is your family. Your family is not the enemy, they are the battle prize. Satan’s weapon is pride and your weapon is grace.

Remember, healing grace is a two way street but it starts with one person making the step of faith!

Discussion Questions with your family after listening:

1. What was the most important thing you heard in this podcast?

2. Is the concept of spiritual warfare in the family new to you?

3. What seems to be the greatest battlefield to you right now, your mind or your family? Why?

4. Can you see where pride has caused resentment and division in the relationships in your family? In what way?

5. Can you think of a practical way that grace could change the tone in your house? How so?

6. What do you need to do with what you heard today? When are you going to do it?

Resources Mentioned:

Sign up for my Things for Thursday Email: https://tinyurl.com/292kv68y

If you like this episode, check out Episode 138 - Spiritual Warfare in the Home

https://letsparentonpurpose.com/2019/09/08/spiritual-warfare-inthe-home/

This year our family has been stretched and scattered. We have experienced significant disorientation as we walk through a leukemia relapsed. To combat the disorientation, we are developing a new practice of a Family Sabbath Dinner. After years of toying with the idea, talking about it with others, we are finally doing it. Today I want to walk you through what our Family Sabbath Liturgy looks like. This is my own personal modified version, designed to help take some of the awkwardness out of the meal as well as giving each participant a meaningful role. As you follow along my walkthrough, my prayer is that you realize that you can also do this! Jesus tells us that the Sabbath was made for man, and it’s time we reclaimed this gift as we invite Jesus to the feast!

If you find this compelling, check out the links in “Resources Mentioned” for my Sabbath Liturgy as well as a couple of other versions.

This is the fourth episode in my “Upside Down Insights” series. Birthed out of our bone marrow transplant journey, these are insights God has given me as our world turned upside down.

Resources Mentioned:

Sign up for my Things for Thursday Email: https://tinyurl.com/292kv68y

If you like this episode, check out Centering on Christ in the Midst of Chaos with Virgil Tanner: https://letsparentonpurpose.com/2022/01/02/ centering-on-christ-in-the-midst-of-chaos-with-virgil-tanner/

Sabbath Dinner Liturgies:

My version: https://www.dropbox.com/s/9ee6x0p95ghl6x1/ Sabbath%20Family%20Liturgy.pdf?dl=0

Virgil Tanner’s Version: https://www.dropbox.com/s/oxzdh5p6b8k2cq3/ Sabbath%20Dinner%20Liturgy.pdf?dl=0

Stovall and Kerrie Weems’ Version: https://www.dropbox.com/s/ oxzdh5p6b8k2cq3/Sabbath%20Dinner%20Liturgy.pdf?dl=0

How do you measure a good day? What are the things you can control when everything feels out of control? As we walked through a month of ICU hospitalization with our son for his bone marrow transplant, he was unable to even leave his room for 28 days. To keep from focusing on the isolation and sickness, we developed a plan to measure a “good day”. No matter what happened in a day, if we could do most of these things, we can say that it was a day well spent. A good day. On todays episode, I walk through the following list, explaining how these items helped the doctors describe my son’s mindset as “the model patient”. If these items work for you in an isolated hospital, you can trust they will help you make the most of the blessedly “normal” days in your life as well!

What makes up a Good Day?

- Time with God

- Train my body - move!

- Eat intentionally

- Encourage someone

- Learn something

- Play

- Talk to a friend

- Tell people I love them

This is the third episode in my “Upside Down Insights” series. Birthed out of our bone marrow transplant journey, these are insights God has given me as our world turned upside down.

Resources Mentioned:

Sign up for my Things for Thursday Email: https://tinyurl.com/292kv68y

If you like this episode, check out Centering on Christ in the Midst of Chaos with Virgil Tanner:

https://letsparentonpurpose.com/2022/01/02/ centering-on-christ-in-the-midst-of-chaos-with-virgil-tanner/

Sometimes I feel the pressure to fix all of the broken things in my family and friends. It’s especially paralyzing when you cannot see what God is doing. In this devotional form John 5, we see that Jesus did nothing of his own initiative, but only what he saw His Father already doing. If the Son of God only worked in areas where He could see his Father working, shouldn’t we enjoy the freedom of following His example? God doesn’t need us to join his work, but he wants us to. As we join the Father, we grow in character and skill. We go from knowing about God to knowing God. And the more time we spend working with our Father, the more we become like our Father. This is the second episode in my “Upside Down Insights” series. Birthed out of our bone marrow transplant journey, these are insights God has given me as our world turned upside down.

Resources Mentioned:

Sign up for my Things for Thursday Email: https://tinyurl.com/292kv68y

Experiencing God: Knowing and Doing the Will of God:

https://amzn.to/ 37jJJTa

What would happen if you had to live without 95 percent of your “stuff”? That’s exactly what our family has been experiencing as we live in a rental house for a couple of months. The conclusion: we are just fine. It’s led me to think about how much stress and anxiety we normally live under because of our accumulation of stuff and commitments. How do we fightback to simplify our lives so that we can truly live in the freedom Jesus gives us?This is the first episode in my “Upside Down Insights” series. Birthed out of our bone marrow transplant journey, these are insights God has given me as our world turned upside down.

Resources Mentioned:

Sign up for my Things for Thursday Email: https://tinyurl.com/292kv68y

If this topic interests you, check out Richard Foster’s Freedom ofSimplicity: Finding Harmony in a Complex World: https://amzn.to/3OdR9bn

There are few fears more gripping to a parent than the thought that one of their children might get sick... really sick. Sick to the point of real suffering. Sick to the point of no answers. Sick to the point of death.

This is something we’ve been walking through as a family for eight years now. Having experienced the dreaded diagnosis of Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia, having walked through years of bad news, good news, injections, and hospitalizations, I want to offer some wisdom that we’ve gained along the way.

Resources Mentioned:

Sign up for my Things for Thursday Email: https://tinyurl.com/292kv68y

One of the common feelings shared by our children is "I feel like I don't fit in.” The truth is this feeling doesn’t go away just because we become adults.

I've been thinking about that...

From my personal experience and from over 20 years as a pastor, I have come to believe that "I don't fit in" is a more common feeling than "I fit in". 
 Today I share thoughts on why I think this feeling is a part of the curse, and how the Gospel is the cure.

Resources Mentioned:

Sign up for my Things for Thursday Email: https://tinyurl.com/292kv68y

Fear of failure as a parent can paralyze a mom or dad. In my new “What if…?” series I look at the reality of our parental failure through the lens of the gospel. We talk about:

1. Why many of our failures don’t matter

2. The reality that there will be many times when you really blow it

3. How to view your failure in the light of the gospel.

Failure is not the last word, and God can use our worst moments to shape some of the best character qualities in our children.

Resources Mentioned:

Sign up for my Things for Thursday Email: https://tinyurl.com/292kv68y