Lifewine Podcast

Hey Lifewiners! As a result of the recent call for social distancing, we have not been able to gather to record a new episode. We are looking into ways to record remotely, but in the meantime, we have a Very Special Episode for you this week! We present you the very first, previously unheard episode of Lifewine: FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC (2014), starring Heather Graham, Ellen Burstyn, and Kiernan Shipka. This episode was recorded many moons ago, when we were still teeny tiny babies in the world of podcasting, so please excuse the occasional sound issue and absence of Buzzballz. 

Join us on our virgin voyage as we explore the Lifetime retelling of the classic V.C. Andrews tale of a neglectful mother, an abusive grandmother, and good old-fashioned sibling incest. While you’re in mandatory confinement, what better story is there to listen to than one about four siblings also in mandatory confinement? After this one, you’ll be relieved that your quarantine doesn’t include locked doors, flagellation, or dangerous donuts.
 This movie can be viewed on the Lifetime Movie app as well as Amazon. 

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It’s Lifewine’s 10th episode! To celebrate this milestone, we’ve decided to cover a cheerful, uplifting tale about kidnapping, murder, and teenagers facing death row. In TOO YOUNG TO DIE? (1990), we meet a mistreated adolescent (played by actual teenager Juliette Lewis) who has hit rock bottom at the tender age of 15. As she strives to survive, she encounters an older, manipulative grifter (played by exceptionally creepy Brad Pitt), who promises to help her back onto her feet. However, this drug-fueled partnership quickly leads to murder. 

On this very special episode, we invent drunken door-to-door podcasting, play a rousing and very successful game of fuck/marry/kill, and we announce the stage name of Rachel’s rap persona (creator of the one and only “Midriff Song”). Dark content be damned! The trinity brings so much levity to this story you may DIE laughing (which is much more pleasant than the gas chamber)! 

This movie can be viewed on Dailymotion.

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In this week’s episode, we meet an unlucky-in-love wedding planner (NOT Jennifer Lopez) who encounters the man of her dreams (NOT Matthew McConaughey). The problem is, he’s the GROOM in the wedding she is planning! If someone were to ask if you if think we’re talking about the movie The Wedding Planner, you may say “I do…” But don’t! 

In 2004’s I DO (BUT I DON’T), Lifetime brings us a kooky comedy of errors containing more tropes and misunderstandings than an episode of Three’s Company. We also learn that it’s harder to get out of a wedding dress than a marriage, that the children’s song “Ring Around the Rosie” was actually foretelling Covid-19, and Rachel shares her mind-blowing (yet totally solid) theory on unsolved serial killer cases. We hope you signed a pre-nup, because you may want to divorce us after this one! (Please DON’T! Because we DO love you!)  **Apologies for the audio issues in regards to Stephanie's microphone at the very beginning of this episode, these are fixed after about 9 minutes!**

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This week, we take you back to a time of dial up modems, the first iPhone, and the birth of catfishing! This is also an episode of firsts: Our first show outside of Skullverx, the first guest appearance of Stephanie’s fat tabby, Rocky (won’t you please rub his belly?), as well as the start of Rachel’s rap career. Join us as we examine TALHOTBLOND (2012), a true story based on a 2007 internet homicide that is so crazy and convoluted, you’ll think Lifetime hired M. Night Shyamalan as a consultant. Get ready for a tangled WEB of deception, perversion, and murder, cause this episode is on fire(wall)!
This movie is available to watch on Youtube.

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How many Kevins does it take to make a Lifetime movie? How many Billys do you need to build a murderous stalker? What exactly is a pangolin? We explore these existential questions (as well as many others) in MOTHER, MAY I SLEEP WITH DANGER (1996), starring the one and only Tori Spelling. You might need a whiteboard and some flowcharts as we delve deep into this Lifetime classic about a bright college student who quickly discovers that her excessively devoted and controlling boyfriend may not be who he says he is. We suggest you don a safety helmet, because the trinity may give you brain damage on this MOTHER of all Lifewine episodes. You have been warned! 

This movie can be viewed on Crackle.

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What’s worse than being fifteen? Try being fifteen and pregnant! (No, don’t! We don’t recommend this!) Join Stephanie, Rachel, and Zach as they explore the turbulent world of teenage insemination in the Lifetime classic FIFTEEN AND PREGNANT (1998), starring Kirsten Dunst and Park Overall. We learn valuable life lessons, such as, sperm doesn’t entitle you to much, using birth control may indicate sex in the first degree, and that you shouldn’t chew with your mouth full. Zach is also enlightened by the horrible truth of the spontaneous bodily functions that can occur in a woman during delivery. If you frequented the mall food court in the 90’s, love a good jaunty harmonica tune, or have ever vomited on Christmas, then this film will make you feel right at home.

Naturally, all this discussion about the naivete and tumult of adolescence coupled with the premature pressures of parenthood can only lead to one thing: Bobby Cannavale’s c***. 

We condone safe sex, but not safe podcasting; so grab your Buzzballz and get ready to have your ears impregnated by the Lifewine crew!

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How many whacks did Lizzie Borden actually give? Did she use an axe or a hatchet? Does anyone truly know? Join Stephanie, Rachel, and Zach as they travel a long and hysterical road dissecting the mostly accurate portrayal of this 128-year-old unsolved murder mystery in Lifetime's LIZZIE BORDEN TOOK AN AXE (2014). You'll not only get some insight into the case, but you’ll also learn about the newest technological advancements in children, the ancestral lineal descent of pastries, and that Rachel would rather wipe your ass than watch you vomit.  
Rachel would like to apologize for the occasional candy wrapper crinkling on mic. She’s still learning how all this works.  

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In episode four, the trinity navigates the temperamental world of teenage struggles such as insecurity, parental divorce, and expository dialogue in WHEN FRIENDSHIP KILLS (1996). This coming-of-age movie prompts Stephanie and Rachel to take a deep dive into childhood psychology, revealing some dark, adult-themed games they played as youngsters. We discuss how bulimia can cause corrugation of the esophagus, the correct definition of the word “vomitorium”, as well as the names of the lead cast in Days of Our Lives. Join us and see if you can determine the meaning of the lost sweater. Was it a ruse, or did it really belong to someone? If so, whom? Can your hosts manage to bring some levity to a movie about eating disorders? You better bulimic! This movie can be viewed on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vmf4CD1FXGE

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In STALKED BY MY PATIENT (2018), the trinity finally finds what they have been searching for – A truly terribly Lifetime movie. Join Stephanie, Rachel, and Zach, as they traverse all the terrible tropes: bad dialogue, a saccharine romance, and of course, a character with the best/worst name ever. What we have here is a medical-based thriller written by someone who has clearly never set foot in a hospital; it contains tech-forward plot points written by someone who has never even used a computer before, and it takes place in a city that somehow manages to straddle TWO coasts! The movie defies all logic, and it leaves us scratching our heads at every scene. Thank goodness for wine. 

 Strap in and get your BuzzBallz ready, cause you’re going to need extra anesthetic for STALKED BY MY PATIENT.

 Apologies in advance if your name is Chad, or if you are Mario Lopez.

 This movie can be viewed on Hulu or the Lifetime Movie app.  

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