Lifewine Podcast

This week, the Lifewine trinity studies their first Lifetime horror flick, POSSESSING PIPER ROSE (2011), starring Rebecca Romijn, Isabella Crovetti, and David Cubitt. Join Stephanie, Rachel, and Zach as they explore a story about two parents so desperate to adopt a child, they’re willing to circumvent the system and risk a bit of otherworldly interference. As usual, the ancillary topics dominate the discussion as we ponder: What makes a horror movie scary? Why is it so challenging to truly terrify people? What movie tropes drive you crazy? Can you have half a hole? Or can you only have a whole hole? All this and more awaits you in this truly specter-tacular episode!  

This movie is available to view on Tubi. 

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What do you get when you take one of the biggest news stories of the year, remove all the characteristics that made it fascinating, and hastily turn it into a TV movie only a few months later? You get THE COLLEGE ADMISSIONS SCANDAL (2019), starring Penelope Ann Miller, Mia Kirshner, and Michael Shanks. In this bland retelling of events showcasing wealthy white entitlement at its most infuriating, we see what happens to two families who care so much about what college their children attend, they are willing to buy their offspring’s acceptance. While Stephanie, Rachel, and Zach dissect this flavorless production, they also discover the true meaning behind Sir Mix-a-Lot’s “Baby Got Back”, contemplate what creature has nature’s most evil penis, and take some time to denigrate Dustin Diamond. You won’t want to adMISSion this one!

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Your favorite critically criticized acclaimed podcasters are back! Join the Lifewine crew as they examine PERFECT SISTERS (2014), starring Abigail Breslin, Georgie Henley, and Mira Sorvino. This is a tale of two sisters who are so fed up with their drunk mother, they take the next logical step and drown her in a bathtub. Just in time for the week after Mother’s Day!
 Based on a true story, this film bends time and weaves contradictory themes into a bizarre and baffling tapestry of delusion, addiction, and destruction. Stephanie, Rachel, and Zach not only take a deep dive into the motivations behind murder, but they also reveal some profound truths about their own mental health as well as some insight into their own parents. They also talk about the proper spelling of Rachel’s non-transitioning-trans name, as well as disclose more details about the ever-developing Kevin James/John Goodman/John Candy conspiracy theory regarding illicit films (hint: it involves Dustin Diamond!) You won’t want to miss this mom-unmental episode! 
 This film is available to view on Tubi, Sling TV, and Vudu. 

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Have you ever been watching an Ozploitation movie and thought, “This flick could use some giant shoulders and a touch of Linda Blair’s blurred nipple!”? Well then, do we have the movie for you. Join Stephanie, Rachel, Zach, AND very special guest Kris, as we unlock the secrets of side boob in the outback. In FATAL BOND (1991), starring Linda Blair and Jerome Ehlers, we discuss the whirlwind romance between a restless hairdresser and a drifting litterbug, as well as the mysterious murders that seem to follow them. We learn that one apparently needs no redeeming qualities to get laid in Australia, and you won’t want to miss the aural horror that is the attack of the giant labia. This is a koala-ty episode; some may even go as far to say it’s Perth-fect.  
 Special thanks to our dear friend and Patron Kris for recommending this film and guest hosting with us. Follow Kris on Instagram and Twitter for his gorgeous photography and compelling movie recommendations: @thieveshours  
 This movie is available to view on the Lifetime Movie app as well as Tubi.  
 

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It’s Lifewine’s Sweet Sixteen episode! Join Stephanie, Rachel, and Zach as they celebrate this milestone with THE TRUTH ABOUT JANE (2000), starring Ellen Muth, Stockard Channing, and RuPaul. In this coming-of-age-coming-out story, we learn that a mother’s love for her child is unconditional – provided that the child does not “choose” a sexuality that conflicts with what her mother had planned out for her. We also discuss thought-provoking quandaries such as: How is scissoring like ice cream in the park? Do you have to be gay to like rainbows? Why does Lifetime continually refuse to include Destiny’s Child in their productions? Is the Hamburgler just misunderstood? Join us, you can handle the truth!  
This movie is available to view on Tubi.  

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What happens when you take one seemingly chaste Mormon, one possessive seductress, mix in copious amounts of chemistry and covert fornication, then add a dash of intense sociopathy? You have a recipe for murder! In JODI ARIAS: DIRTY LITTLE SECRET (2013), starring Tania Raymonde and Jesse Lee Soffer, we see what really probably definitely maybe happened throughout this intense relationship based on trial transcripts and Arias’ ever-changing and often-deceptive account. We also learn that Finland has a name for everyone’s favorite quarantine activity, discuss the absolutely true fact that John Goodman and John Candy share a deep dark connection, and most importantly, we further enrich Rachel’s education regarding snuff films. Grab your magic underwear and your black stalker baseball cap, because you won’t want to miss this one. Once it’s over, you might even ask for MOR(mon).  This move is available to view on Tubi. 

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This week, the Lifewine trinity tackles the heartwarming and hilarious topic of teenage STIs in SHE’S TOO YOUNG (2004), starring Alexis Dziena and Marcia Gay Harden. In this direct-from-health class treasure, we learn that even the most practical and well-adjusted teenagers can feel the need to shine a knob or two in order to be popular. We discuss which members of an orchestra are most likely to put out, as well as create the very first installment of High School Musical centered around venereal disease (look out, Lin-Manuel Miranda!). The subject of sexually transmitted diseases may be a sore spot, but if you stick with syphilUS, we’re positive you’re gonorrhea-lly like this one; you may even clap! 
This movie is available to view on Tubi.  

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Out of all professions, the role of doctor is supposed to be the most honorable. But what if you discovered that your doctor had a crush on you, lurked in the shadows while you slept, then tried to frame you for murder? Talk about mixed messages! Luckily, the Lifewine crew is here to navigate you through this terrifying hypothetical in STALKED BY MY DOCTOR: A SLEEPWALKER’S NIGHTMARE (2019), starring Eric Roberts, Emilie Ullerup, and genre goddess Felissa Rose. In this 100% medically accurate film, we learn all you need to assume the identity of a sleep specialist is a hypodermic needle and Wikipedia; however, if you are a female doctor who completed medical school, you’re still going to be addressed only as “Miss”. How many warranted “fuck yous” can Stephanie, Rachel, and Zach fit into one episode? Does anyone really know the past tense of “sleepwalk”? And most importantly: Is Taylor Swift a lizard person? We hope you’re feeling patient, because insurance doesn’t cover the trauma that is STALKED BY MY DOCTOR: A SLEEPWALKER’S NIGHTMARE.   This movie can be viewed on the Lifetime movie app.  

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On this week’s episode, the Lifewine crew discusses a tale about a beautiful and manipulative temptress who uses her wiles to seduce unsuspecting men into executing dangerous favors - and no, we aren’t talking about Rachel or Stephanie. In BAD TO THE BONE (1997), starring Kristy Swanson, Jeremy London, and David Chokachi, we learn that the only way to get away with murder is to do it yourself. We also continue to craft new inventions that you didn’t even know that you needed, from children’s books to fun and tasty recipes. Most importantly, we come to the conclusion that everyone should read the Count of Monte Cristo and then watch The Shawshank Redemption, because all that matters in life is fucking vengeance. TIBIA honest, even though this episode focuses on sociopathy and homicide, we manage to remain quite HUMERUS!  

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This week, the Lifewine trinity brings you the least sexy movie about sex ever: THE MADAM OF PURITY FALLS (2019). In this painful romp about an underground prostitution ring comprised of barely legal shirtless white boys, we meet a came-with-the-frame family who relocates for a fresh start after the unexpected death of their patriarch. Their new home of Purity Falls initially appears to be welcoming and safe, but it doesn’t take long before its seedy underbelly begins to emerge. Corruption, extortion, murder, and other hijinks ensue! Join us as we create new sex positions, invent socially distancing intimacy toys, as well as encounter the very first case of patricide via football. 

This is our first episode of remote recording, so please forgive any sound issues; we are working those out. Thanks for sticking with us as all of humankind are required to devise ways to adapt to the new normal. We love you all, please stay safe, healthy, and physically distant, but emotionally together!

Special thanks to our friend and Patron Kris for recommending this movie, which can be viewed on the Lifetime Movie app as well as Amazon.  

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