From the smoldering embers of Studio D, I tell you my harrowing final days in Buffalo and the dreadful return home.

Last days in Florida, first days in Buffalo. New Years Eve, and the trip to my brother’s house. (Please excuse the annoying audio for a few minutes, and my distraction at driving through a nasty snowstorm/white out for a while in upstate New York.) Happy new year!

Huston, we have a problem. The day before I left was a real kick in the rear end, fam. (Keeping it PG for Christmas, folks.) (And by “PG,” I mean “pretty gay.”) The flight to Florida, and the struggle for a proper Belgian waffle. I had Christmas and went to see Nosferatu so that you don’t have to, then I watched Rogue One directly into A New Hope, and had thoughts on those. I apologize, not only was this an uneventful week, I really wasn’t in the mood to do this episode on top of it. Way to end the year with a BANG!, Luke….

I observe how much I hate the Observatory. I had no business using one of the cameras from The Revenant to shoot my dick jokes with, but I did anyway. After 27 years of deliberating and excuse making, I finally got my stupid Star Wars tattoo fixed. I can’t think of a single filmmaker in history who has ruined their legacy or fucked up their own movies more than asshole piece of shit George Lucas. I’m afraid of Vistaviews. I’m either having a weird reaction to my sleep medication, or I’m several days into the Drag Me To Hell curse/demonically possessed. Vinnie’s schmancy work Christmas party at the Sofi Stadium. I got to meet my favorite Instagram husky! Listen to grandma Luke’s account of it! Day Of The Fight, and the inimitable Jack Huston.

28 Years Later, 23 years later. I’m the asshole for bringing up the fact that people are constantly falling asleep and snoring in Los Angeles movie theaters. The resplendent bliss of Arby’s. I mostly complain about several podcasts from the last week. I went to see “Horizon,” the Kevin Costner western, so you don’t have to.

What did you do on your 30th birthday? Cigar, whiskey, chocolate. (Try it) Capote is a good movie. Reggie And The No Effect, and the west Hollywood diarrhea tour. Kidney stone update! Wild times on the 405 northbound. Simply having a miserable Christmas time. The Gene Wilder doc made me cry, the Ashley Madison doc gave me anxiety (and flashbacks).

“I’m the asshole” because my Thanksgiving food was fuckin terrible. People love to argue with me, even when they don’t really have a counterpoint. Kidney stones update. (Tell me this isn’t the most captivating podcast on the internet, I dare you) Saturday Night Stomach Ache (instead of “Fever?” Get it?) Keith from Life Of Agony is an overnight media sensation. I’m excited about  meeting an internet personality soon. (Or is it..PAW-sonality??) Screenplay troubles, but also, like breakthroughs. (Also “percentage” update. Of, y’know, “it getting made.”)

It was easier to travel west here in a covered wagon than it is to keep your clean for 24hrs in this city. When will we have holographic projections like in Star Wars? Another untalented spotter at the gym robs me of greatness. I have more kidney stones than a box of Mike & Ikes

I’m usually funnier, but I think I was (literally) passing a kidney stone this episode. Leno’s black guy. Mike Tyson fought Jake Paul. (More like FAKE Paul) UFC and USA. Miller’s Crossing. (I bet you saw it a long time ago, and should watch it again) The Heretic. “Mondays, amirite?”

The Battle Of Penora Street Creek. Fast Times At War Memorial Stadium. 3% chance! The Vince McMahon documentary on Netflix. More like WACK Forest Gummy Worms…