Live From The 405 Podcast

Tom Skerritt died again. I'm all out of "most wanted to screen movies." The Zodiac cypher was easier to decode than trying to figure out how to get an Xbox (of any model) to work in my house. Steven Soderbergh is now (sort of) doing a Batman movie, and I'm here for it. I stopped doing stand up because my brain changed. I have a new czar of Chipotle incompetence. Ozzy's last show took months off his life, but he didn't care because he was metal til the end. I went to see Something Wicked This Way Comes at the New Beverly, a weird old Disney movie that fucked many of us up as children. ("Luke, do you complain about the cartoon they make you watch before it?" Of course I do.)

I was having a ¾ life crisis AND fighting the urge for a sundae from Baskin Robbins 100 yards away, how was your day at work? No one appreciates a good impression at this place. There's a brand of beer called "Angry Orchard," and I think they get the trees from LA. "Heart Of The Beast" was a "2017 Blacklist winning" script. More like Danny Be-Tray-o! I'm absolutely shocked, but it turns out that "Other Mommy" was a giant pile of shit! I forced myself out of morbid, stupid curiosity to watch Bone Temple, the sequel to one of the worst sequels I've ever seen, and naturally have thoughts about it. I also shockingly didn't hate "Lanterns" on HBO, now that that's wrapped up too.

The increasingly pervasive tyranny of Games & Fun. The original Fat Guy on the cover of Don't Break The Ice board game was indicative of us when we were a healthier and more respectable society. Digger was a complete box office disaster, but is a real bell weather of things to come, including (most likely, calling it now) Sicario 3. I acquired an Xbox 360, which is ironic since I spend about 360 minutes complaining about it. I went to see the new Brad Pitt/dog movie so that you don't have to, and I had Bumble date that went about as well as you would expect it to.

Rob Thomas is to singing what Bradley Cooper is to acting. I had a "games & fun" incident at work. There's another Los Angeles grape Celsius drought, probably perpetrated by The Bureau. When I tell you what Subway, the international fast food corporation Subway decided to discontinue as far as one of their sandwich ingredients, you're going to think I'm lying. (The absurdity of this is almost incomprehensible) I went to see Hoffa in 70mm with Danny DeVito and others there, and it could be the ultimate screening of my entire 22 year Los Angeles tenure.

I care about cute animals, until I'm even remotely inconvenienced by them. (I guess I care more about other people caring about them) WWZ sequel announced! I got my 275 back! This week In El Pollo Loco Incompetence. Fuck $8 diesel, an Egg McMuffin is $10. "Luke Around Los Angeles," and weird shit random people said to me this week. Bald Bryan from Adam Carolla died, but I still manage to talk about jew tits. (Bryan would've wanted it that way) I saw two new movies: Resident Evil and The Weight, and it's hard to tell which one pissed me off more.

I can't fucking sleep because George The Animal Steel lives upstairs from me. Id rather be IN Resident Evil than go see it in "4D." The $160 car wash. I've yearned for a soulless, uncaring gym spotter, and boy, I got one. I had a pleasant Saturday, and it ended with riding over to Beverly Hills to see "It Ends," but ironically enough, I didn't like the way it ends.

I got tickets for THE most awaited screening of 21 years in Los Angeles. "The Reddit mod" might be a more loathesome character than the Sonderkommandos in WW2 concentration camps. I talk about movies right now and their box office. Adam Carolla has Bruce Campbell on his show, and didn't bother to do the slightly important research of "Bruce having terminal cancer and a 5 year life expectancy." The Heat 2 apparent casting disaster continues apace. Andy from Every Time I Die died, and so did "the chicken tender." (Basically. Or it's at least at the lowest societal ebb it's ever consciously been at. It's dark days for the chicken tender. A chicken tender depression, perhaps) Someone came to visit me from Buffalo...WITH a vagina. (I mean she has a vagina; it wasn't someone who came here with one in a formaldahyde jar or something. Although I would have allowed that, too.)

I spend most of this episode elaborately demonstrating how almost unfathomably terrible The Dog Stars was. (I hope it's funny or entertaining on some level; it sure felt good to cathartically expel all that cinematic bile) "Lanterns" takes a lan-TURN. (Gee, who saw this coming…) I tell you about two new script ideas I have that could really be something, dog gone it. There's probably one or two other things in here, but I can't remember. I'm sure they're good, and ear delicious.

I'm back with more tragic tales from the LA Fitness locker room. You don't technically HAVE TO tip at Starbucks, but they'll certainly remind you that you didn't. There's a caffeine thief on the prowl at work. Sherman Oaks is a fucking warzone this week: man dies in motorcycle crash on the 405, suspect put nose to asphalt in 100 degree heat on the 405, a Pavillions employee is shanked to death in the parking lot, and most troublingly, Ralph's is inexplicably out of carry-baskets for the store. (This all happened within 36 hours and a 5sq mile radius) Damon Lindelof will remind you that he's a writer on Lanterns on HBO, lucky us. I went to see Straight Time, and the Mystery Illness is back with a terrifying vengeance. (I went to the emergency room) I went to see Insidious Part 6 so you don't have to.

I don't know what's more unsettling, the fact that I'm often surrounded by disgusting elderly naked foreign men in the very early morning, or the fact that they specifically go there to do exactly that. I apparently cant put up 275 (or more) on bench press except for one specific spot at a specific time on the entire planet, even though the weight is exactly the same. More totally believable and sensible Hollywood casting. My successful onslaught through the greater Los Angeles dating pool continues. I went to see The End Of Oak Street so that you don't have to.