Living Connected - NVC

I got the chance to talk to Eric Lazarus about Activism. How do we use NVC in situations that we want to stand up for. I know for me there are several different things that I would like to see change, when it comes to teacher, student & parent support. My main take away from this episode was having the skill to have curiosity questions & curiosity listening. Regardless if the person you are talking to has a different view of a situation or a law or rules or the way the government is ran, we can listen and find values or needs. Give empathy, if it is needed. When we want to propose change in our communities, churches, schools, cities, governments, we start by coming from a place in our hearts of what we want to see change. We give personal experiences and ask questions that can hit home or can be touching for someone to read or watch. How can we make this world a better place for everyone. Mahatma Gandhi “If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change” Or the common one we often hear is “be the change you wish to see in the world.” 

Activism I can only imagine can look in so many different ways. The root word of activist is the latin Actus “a doing, a driving force.” The suffix ist is used to refer to a person who practices or hold certain values. The word was first used when Sweden in 1915 when people advocating for the end of the World War 1.

As much as it’s frustrating to be part of a school system where a lot of the trauma students have is coming from their home environment only I can be the change to start something in a big or small way. My contribution to this change is to actively listen and empathize with students when they are upset, angry and or having a conflict with one another. 

It can truly be overwhelming to think about “how can I stop parents to not be incarcerated” “How can parents work on themselves to be better and not be in jail” This is the reality a lot of schools are dealing with, which is; students with trauma which leads to trauma that comes from their environment and their parents. Both student and parent don’t have the support that they need to accompany them in healing unresolved trauma. My impossible thinking is that the root of all this is beyond teachers ability to help. Instead of being overwhelmed by that over arching question, I want to rephrase that and ask “In what ways can I make a difference to these students today?”

I hope living connected listeners that you have one take away from this episode. Or many you end up constructing a take away of your own that was inspired by our conversation. I know it stimulated a lot inside of me and I am curious what came up for you. I would love to share your thoughts on the podcast.  

Resources:

Be the Change Quote

David Richo - When the Past is Present

YouTube Recording: American Experience

Amy WesterVelt

Email Eric at the bottom of this website:  https://electionsec.org/

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Eric and I got the honor of talking with Anne and Benson who have been in the process of inventing AI’s (Artificial Intelligence or robots) that are capable of teaching Nonviolent Communication. As well as finding a way to build a robot that has the ability to give empathic responses. My main take-away from this episode is that these robots won’t be replacing other humans. These robots will support humans in their growth, and learning of NVC so that when we are connecting with humans we can communicate with more ease. The robots would allow for us humans to practice and grow our feelings and needs vocabulary. The robots will also help translate judgments into feelings and needs so we can have a better understanding of what lies beneath our criticisms, blame, judgments or diagnosis, & evaluations. This gives us an opportunity to bring what we learned into the real world. 

I believe with a lot of data collection the robot will give strategies and offer do-able requests of Self and or for the other person. In my thought, the more data we can collect the better responses the robot can have. 

In the book Just Mercy by Bryan Stevenson he uses the word broken and changed it to experiences and trauma. He says on page 289 “ Our experiences and traumas is the source of our common humanity, the basis for our shared search for comfort, meaning and healing. Our shared vulnerability and imperfection nurtures and sustains our capacity for compassion.” He goes on to say that “he never fully considered that being “broken” is what makes us human. Sometimes we’re fractured by the choices we make; sometimes we’re shattered by the things we would never have chosen”

Being apart of this episode and reading what Bryan said, really made me think about embracing our humanness. We are all so unique and connected and I want to hold on to that. Our human experiences are real and at this point, no robot can deeply feel and be impacted by those experiences. Humans share universal needs of belonging, meaning and healing, when robots are just a collection of data, inputs and algorithms that compute into a variety of results. 

As Anne said, “robots replacing humans is so far away in the future.” When I hear that I worry that in order for that not to happen, humans need a way to tap into something higher in brain capacity than what robots can offer so that we humans don’t become extinct.

Resources from Anne & Benson:

Our new story-based workshop on using ChatGPT for wellbeing and creativity:

https://www.emotionalhealthessentials.com/i-human

Here is a demo of our non-violent communication support AI:

https://www.emotionalhealthessentials.com/technology

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Eric and I are talking about honesty or scary honesty today. To me, honesty is speaking from the heart or fully speaking your truth. Focusing on what is alive in your heart and sharing courageously.  

Needs that might come up when sharing honesty could be freedom, sincerity, fairness, care, compassion, vulnerability and or truthfulness. What does fully speaking your truth mean and look like to you? 

What do we hope for when we speak our truth? How do we hold space, give kindness for ourselves after we have spoken from the heart? How do we stay calm, or grounded & not activated in our nervous system? Are we willing and open to hear the response from the other person - What if the response is in defensiveness, criticism or blame? 

I watch a video of Marshall Rosenberg talk about honesty and an example he used was “I feel scared because I want to maintain the quality of relationship that we have…” I added the feeling of fear “…and I fear what I have to say might disturb our relationship.” Sometimes sharing feelings first humanizes our human experience. Which in it of itself is a vulnerable thing to do, to share feelings. Then the other person can possibly relate to those feelings and bring some warmth into their body or into the conversation.

Marshall said “we send something out beautifully & jackal ears pick up something ugly. We just develop our ability to enjoy it when it happens.” There was a time when he had to give empathy eight times because the enemy image was so strong, letting go of that enemy image was hard for that person. People often times need empathy before they can hear our honesty. 

Which again, is hard because we so deeply want them to be in a space of openness and resourced enough to be able to hear our heart.

This topic is huge and could be discussed at length. And perhaps, Living Connected listeners you have some Ah-Ha moments, thoughts or curious questions that you would like to share as well, please let me know. I truly hope you enjoy listening to this episode.

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Eric and I had the honor of speaking with Dr. Melanie Sears. She has been practicing NVC for 30+ years and worked along side Marshall Rosenberg. We get to explore the healthcare system that is in place in the United States. Dr. Melanie Sears specifically talks about her experience with patients in the psychiatric facility and how patients are treated. She has been a nurse for 35 years and has her PhD in Transpersonal Psychology. "Transpersonal Psychology roots back over 100 years ago. William James laid out principles of so many psychological approaches. Transpersonal psychology could be seen as an attempt to understand the different states of consciousness - and the different views of reality. Transpersonal Psychology attempted to integrate the ideas of eastern spiritual traditions such as buddhism, Hindu and yoga, they examined the “higher” states of consciousness, and “higher” stages of human development."  

With all the years of  experience and wisdom she has, Dr Melanie Sears has written two books, the first on is called “Humanizing Health Care: Creating Cultures of Compassion With Nonviolent Communication”. The second book is called “Choose You Words: Harnessing the Power of Compassionate Communication to Heal and Connect”. 

NVC can be a game changer in how programs are run and how we connect with patients or students in different situations. What it seems to come down to is empathy. Empathizing with patients and students and then getting empathy for yourself as well. Also knowing how to give empathy to others and who you have for support to give you empathy when needed. 

I found myself aligning with Dr. Mel’s work when it came to my job. I appreciated the connection a lot and long for more and more systems in our society to use Nonviolent Communication.  

Resources:

Transpersonal Psychology

Books By Dr. Melanie Sears: 

Humanizing Health Care
Choose Your Words: Compassionate Communication
More Videos with Melanie Sears

Books By: Sura Hart:

Compassionate Classroom
Respectful Parents & Respectful Kids

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HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!
2023 has begun!

Eric and I get to talking about the transformation of the relationship with my dad. How the needs of belonging to a family is mourned and may continued to be mourned on every special day that is typically spent with family. Each time we mourn, acknowledge and witness that pain, we are healing a little bit of ourselves. I have gone through this process of being accompanied & witness in my pain and have found peace with what is. The what is, is that my dad and I have found our own tradition for thanksgiving that we came up with together. We are making the best of it, given the situation at hand. NVC has truly been a wonderful way for me to heal and acknowledge the hurt and pain that I feel inside my heart. I hope the same for all of you living connected listeners out there too that NVC gives you this way to witness yourselves & hold yourselves with a deep compassion. I want you to know that I see you, hear you and your not alone. Thank you all so much for being apart of my journey and growth. I appreciate all of you so much.

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It is winter break and I am able to get to editing more. My goal is to not be putting episodes out once a month. I am hoping I will have some more time during work to work on my podcast as I am not at the Behavior job anymore. If you have any questions about expectations and would like to send me an email please I would love to hear from you. Email: [email protected]

I am happy to be doing this episode with Denise today. We have a juicy topic for us that will probably end up being several episodes. We are going to explore or what Denise said was play around with ‘expectations’. The definition that Denise used in group was, an expectation is a belief that someone will or should achieve something. Often times with the feelings that come up with demand energy of expectations of us, ourselves or someone else could arise in shame, frustration, disappointment and or feel stress that we have failed or let someone down. Perfectionism could come into place, where we self-blame because we didn’t do it correctly.  The demand energy could look like the tone of energy of something being said by someone or the words that we use toward ourselves or others - such as shoulds, or have to’s. This demand energy doesn’t allow for choice, autonomy, self-empowerment and or freedom etc. 

I did mention in this episode a couple books that used the model collaborative problem solving and the first book that describes this method is called Lost and Found. All the books are by the same person. I will put the books in the references for you incase you are interested. I definitely believe that NVC can be integrated and used along side of these methods that are used in school systems. And in my thought putting NVC with any modality only strengthens the ability to connect on deeper levels. 

I know the topic of expectations is loaded and I hope that we will get to examples that you listeners can relate to. This episode uses examples that I have noticed in the schools I have work in. I think that it also pertains to how we saw expectations as a child growing up as well. And maybe it brings up some of those expectations that are engrained in us from when we were small humans. I know it has brought up aliveness in me. Let’s dive in. 

Resources:
LOST AND FOUND BY: Ross Greene

LOST AT SCHOOL BY: Ross Greene

THE EXPLOSIVE CHILD BY: Ross Greene

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Today Eric and I talk about my experience in this 6 month position I have as the Student behavioral coordinator. My position is a case load of 7 or 8 students that have a hard time regulating. They flip their lid which means they are not in their frontal cortex anymore and reacting from a trauma place of fight or flight response. Or another way to say is that the amygdala is firing & reacting to a situation which is sending signals to our nervous system that is processing it as fear or a threat.

A lot of times when we know students well, we can see the behaviors in the body that show us that they are getting to that point of reacting in a trauma response or just flipping their lid. When we can see this shift in the body and behavior, we can have them take a break and learn the skills to find a safe and calm body before it gets to the point of escalation. I am still getting to know students and what that looks like for each student. There are times when I jump into a situation where the student is already escalated and I need to find ways to regulate and help them find a place to regulate. Sometimes it’s just best not to say anything. Using very few words as possible. 

There are so many elements that go into a situation like the one I describe. I have my perspective and others have theirs. Who knows, if we didn’t have the blow up in the morning would the blow up happen anyway at some point during the day. We just don’t know. If we knew for sure it was the grief could we have attended to the situation differently. So many things to reflect on as I think back on this situation at work. I am giving my self some grace and compassion as I learn my role and my voice in this position. Along with getting to know the students and building that solid foundation of trust and safety of care and kindness. 

Resources:

leanin.org

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BEST SUMMER of 2022!! Thank you ALL for being patient while I soak in my summer! HUGS

In this episode Jeremey and I have a conversation about how we use NVC in our workplace and in our families. The situations that come up in the workplace for me were making sure students are listening and ready to learn, including everyone and respect the pro-nouns of others in how they want to be identified and exploring students needs in an Acro-Yoga setting. We all have many different cultures and dynamics in how our families function and operate. NVC has helped me see underneath the worry that my dad has for me or how Jeremey’s dad has for his mom. When we can see the bigger picture of the needs underneath we can follow those with a deeper sense of compassion. I hope you enjoy this conversation with me and one of our Living connected listeners Jeremey. Please don’t hesitate to email or record a voice memo for me to listen and attach it to the email I would love to hear from you. The email is in the description of every episode at the bottom. Let’s dive into this exploration!! 

Resources:

Book: Never Spilt the Difference

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Tisse, Amy and I talk about Parts Theater and we actual go through a scenario that happened when I was visiting my dad. Parts Theater is a mind blowing experience that can be really touching and moving. I got choked up a bit because it really hit home when sinking into those feelings and needs during each part of me that was being role played. I haven’t really had a chance to allow myself to feel those deep feelings and process them fully. Tisse and Amy gave me space to do that. I have thee most gratitude for both of them. I do feel healed in a way, even in this mini session of what Parts Theater looks / sounds like. I have this ease and at peace with the part of me that was sad and the other part that had compassion. Having this healed part of me, I might be able to express both parts of how I was feeling to my dad. 

Parts Theater is a way to express two needs that are happening inside of you and see those two needs role played by two people. Amy takes you through the steps of how she breaks down Parts Theater into 4 stages. Amy mentioned after the recording that it was so interesting how much deeper Parts Theater can go just by guessing at my feelings and needs. And that Parts Theater might go a little faster than coaching because you can make changes quickly with the directors input and see the process shift. Parts theater offers a different approach than coaching does. Both has its benefits. And it’s so fascinating that we can get at what is true for us, from different angles. 

Amy has been offering Parts Theater workshops and has spent a lot of time and effort changing and modifying this process to include NVC. I had such a remarkable hour with both Tisse and Amy and I am filled with so much thankfulness bc I get to explore NVC with two really amazing humans.

Resources:
Tisse:
How of Happy

PROMO CODE (all caps):

LIVINGCONNECTED

Amy Whicker:
Connection Collaboratory

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I see a lot of behaviors in schools that are contributed to the trauma or environment that students are experiencing. I work sometimes one-on-one with this students who are going through a lot at home. I have seen a range of behaviors from throwing chairs, running off campus, screaming, making silly noises, kicking, pulling hair, or spitting on you, withdraw or shut down, you name it. All students whether they are on the autism spectrum or just have a lot of trauma or just having a rough day, they all have needs just like we do as an adult. It can be really hard to accompany these students when each one may need something different. I don’t see students as a bad person or think that they are trying to get attention, I get curious and I truly care about what they are needing. I am there to support them in any way that I can. If we bring our judgements to the table then it makes it really hard to be present with our students. I remember that they need so much compassion, grace, kindness, love and a listening ear because some may not get that at home.  

NVC has helped me so much with meeting these students where they are at and having the language to create a safe dialogue with them when they are escalated or when they have calmed down. Most often then not, I am empathically listening and giving them a reflection on what they said so they know I understand them and believe their experience. Believing ones experience doesn’t mean I agree, it means I am believing their experience as their truth. Once I can do this, we can work towards problem solving together or resolving a conflict using feelings and needs and do-able requests. 

Adinah and I get to talk about what is going on with student behavior and how we can use a different lens to understand in a deeper way what is going on for these students. Trauma can have a huge impact on students. Trauma can impact the classroom and teachers. I have witnessed how trauma affects learning and growth in the classroom and I hope that I can make a small change in the way I communicate to hold space for these students.   

Resources:

Adinah Barlow Website
Podcast – Project Relationship You
Adinah Barlow Facebook 

1) Paul D Maclean - Triune brain theory 

2) Book: The Gift of Fear - By: Gavin de Becker

3) Book:  Fostering Resilient Learners (Strategies for creating a Trauma-Sensitive Classroom)

By: Kristin Souers with Pete Hall. 

4) Video: Red Table Talk - Jada Smith, Deeyah Khan, Dr. Ibram X. Kendi

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