Lockdown Dads

In this, the last episode of Lockdown Dads, James and I reflect on 18 months of pandemic podcasting as England celebrates "Freedom Day."

The truth is that the fear of catching Covid, home school disruption, and getting through the days are as prevalent as ever. We consider some of the hopelessly optimistic predictions we made in year - lockdown could be all over by June!? But also the certainty of the stay at home messaging v the weariness and low level anxiety of July 2021.

We talk about some of the guests that stuck in our minds and the good, the bad and the absurd of the tips we shared. Who can forget James' pants discussion with Jessica Chivers (Ep20) or Ian going with "it's time to check your energy bills" with Will, drummer in Coldplay (Ep35).

We put to bed the rumour that the best guests are ones with 50,000 Insta followers like Ian's brother Chris (!), and discuss the amazingly practical mindful dad - Ady Griffiths (Ep23) and less than amusing circumstances that comics Philip Simon (Ep6) and Tiernan Douieb (Ep3) faced throughout the pandemic. We talk about research and data, emotionally tricky episodes with Rhian Mannings MBE (Ep38) and Brian Ballantyne (Ep37) and having a laugh with Nathan McGurl (Ep31) and Jamie Beaglehole (Ep34)

So for the moment that is the end of Lockdown Dads, at least in this guise!

And our parting wish is, don't forget that "good enough is good enough."

Our final guest on Lockdown Dads is Will McDonald, Group Sustainability and Public Policy Director at Aviva plc aka "The Job Share Dad."

As one half of the most senior male job share in the UK, Will is a bit of a hero in the dad space, shining a light on the rare world of job sharing (especially when it comes to men)

We learn about Will's path at Aviva and how a conversation about wanting to explore a job share became a work "marriage" to Sam that has lasted 4 years already.

We discover the principles of job share.

• You don't have to like your job share, but you do have to trust them. 
• Sharing an email address or not?
• When in charge, take charge.
• You can only u-turn on your own decision.

And how to set up a job share

• Having imagination.
• The vital role of line manager support. 
• Create confidence with a business plan.
• Talking to other job sharers
• 6 month escape clause

With his dad hat on (5 years as chair of trustees at the Fatherhood Institute), Will talks about Aviva and their flagship work equalising parental leave, removing the financial and cultural stigma of dad taking extended leave and the some of the benefits of supporting dads.

• Couples are less likely to divorce.
• Children are happier.
• Dads less likely to have issues with alcohol.
• Mums are likely to earn more.

TIPS

How to grow carrots effectively (!)
Imagination - start with a blank sheet of paper and be imaginative.
Notepad next to your bed.


The Fatherhood Institute report Lockdown Dads: The Untold Story

http://www.fatherhoodinstitute.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/Lockdown-Fathers-Executive-Summary.pdf

McKinsey - Paternity Leave benefits

https://www.mckinsey.com/business-functions/organization/our-insights/a-fresh-look-at-paternity-leave-why-the-benefits-extend-beyond-the-personal

Olga Fitzroy, award winning sound engineer and parental pay equality campaigner joins us to discuss inequalities faced by the self employed. We discover her role in Pregnant Then Screwed's legal challenge against the government  and discuss the legislative environment around self employment and shared parental leave.

Plus school is out again, with education disruption only just starting to be discussed in government. Ian's garden gets short listed for a prize and we briefly ponder the upcoming England v Scotland Euro clash (!)

Olga's path

When her son was born in 2015, she was a self employed sound engineer and looked into the new policy of Shared Parental Leave, only to discover that the self employed aren't allowed to take it

Q, Did you know that self employed men have no paid paternity leave rights?

What started as mission to send a few emails - which would quickly lead to a realisation that the policy needed to fixed... became an ongoing campaign involving the Musician's Union, former and current MPs, Shadow Ministers and a presence in both the Labour and Lib Dem manifestos.

Despite Theresa May commissioning a review of parental leave with the Department for Business, Energy & Industrial Strategy (BEIS), Brexit and Covid focus has stalled progress, though Olga explains there are a number of key allies on the government benches

We discuss the benefits of Shared Parental Leave 

Mums being able to take less time off, dads get to take more time off, closing the gender pay gap, reducing the motherhood penalty and how a mother's income increases for every month that a father spent at home. 

McKinsey evidence that mothers’ incomes rose about 7 percent for each month that a father spent at home on paternity leave. 

SPL is good for children and for role modelling for young kids, for redressing the Covid impact and creating a gender equal recovery.

...and the challenges in achieving policy change

A lack of genuine experience of self employment in government and civil service, plus a lack of bandwidth, so it's hard to get access.

We talk about the plight of day care v a government focus on 'Winkie' Infrastructure 

Pregnant then Screwed. 

Olga sits on the campaign and policy board, leading on the sex discrimination case against the government as to how the Self-Employment Income Support Scheme (SEISS) is calculated - with periods of maternity leave not being exempted from the self-employed grant calculations. We learn that PTS have been given leave to appeal the original decision in favour of the government.

Tips

Period  https://www.amazon.co.uk/Period-Natalie-Byrne/dp/1999894111

Delayed gratification

Self employed can still get 30 hours free childcare if their income has dropped as a result of Covid 

Links

http://www.parentalpayequality.org.uk/

https://pregnantthenscrewed.com/

https://www.workingdads.co.uk/role-modelling-working-dads/

https://pregnantthenscrewed.com/were-threatening-legal-action-against-the-chancellor-for-indirect-sex-discrimination/

https://www.gov.uk/30-hours-free-childcare

Simon Gregory, Managing Partner of GPS Return joins us to talk about parental return to work and we explore the differing challenges faced by men and women.

We discuss how societal expectations influence the opportunities to return to work and later access flexible working and how Simon's business supports and coaches individuals and businesses to find the right person or right opportunity for now.

James explains why T.W.A.T working is the next big trend while Simon talks about his 288 mile 24 hour cycle from Harrogate to Southampton raising money for Macmillan in memory of his auntie Ruth - the BBC's Reverend Ruth Scott.

 Simon's 'path' includes a heavy focus on relationship management in overseas markets, before his wife's experience of struggling to get back into work because she has "just been a mum for 4 years" lead to the creation of GPS Return.

Simon explains how he works with businesses to understand what they think they need v what they actually need. Exploring assumptions and possibilities about hours, location and flexibility to get the best people for the roles.

We discuss the different challenges that dads face returning to the workplace, including how men are treated less favourably than women and the societal issues that creates and how if dads are as likely to take time out for childcare businesses become more likely to employ female returners.

TIPS

DAD - Untold Stories from Music. Football. Fatherhood.  Ordinary dads telling ordinary stories, but in an extraordinary collection.

Don't forget about you, make time for yourself.

Moral maze - "Does your husband play?" homophobic or sexist? and how to challenge?

LEARN MORE

https://www.gpsreturn.co.uk/

https://www.workingdads.co.uk/author/simon-gregory/

https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/ruthscott24

To mark the publication of the Fatherhood Institute's new report "Lockdown Dads - the Untold Story",  we sat down with Dr Jeremy Davies, Head of Communications, to discuss fatherhood, the opportunities presented by the pandemic and what exactly is "the untold story"

 After we covered dodgy backs, out for beers and Moroccan pandemic experiences, we learnt about Jeremy's path. Journalist, becoming a father in 1999, a PhD and joining Father's Direct, the organisation that later became the Fatherhood Institute with the benefits of living the values of flexible working and active and involved fatherhood.

 What is the Untold Story?

• Dads back in the home on a scale unseen since the industrial revolution.
• Dads have done more unpaid childcare and domestic labour than ever before. 
• In many families the care gap has narrowed.
• Dads attitudes towards caring responsibilities have changed.
• Dads have seen the mental health benefits of their presence. 
• The world has got much more comfortable with flexible and remote work.
• Despite the challenges Dads want more flexible and remote working 

The media focus

• The pandemic story in the mass media has been focused on doom and gloom around motherhood, mums facing the brunt of the home-school challenge, being made redundant and furloughed in greater numbers than dads.
• Gender inequalities have always been there, but lockdowns shone a light on it.
• Stories about the impact on dads being tagged on at the end or not at all.

The Future? 

• #Timewithdad call to arms. 
• Building on the best bits of dad's engagement at home.
• Flex has been around for ages, but traditionally seen as being for women with caring responsibilities.
• Dads are new voices for change.
• Dads have the power to change things as James' tweet illustrates

https://twitter.com/PoliticalYeti/status/1395382322355134470?s=20

Plus we talked about the challenges

• How can we keep more men flexible?
• Dads with relatively long commutes means even more benefits from working from home.
• How schools communicate with dads.
• Dads being more involved can create a challenge for mum's identity and how things are 'done'.

In our regular tips section...

• Dads role modelling equality at home for their daughters.
• Switch phone off when we are with kids.
• Do the boring stuff as well as the exciting. Sometimes those are the magic moments.

Lockdown Dads: The Untold Story

http://www.fatherhoodinstitute.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/Lockdown-Fathers-Executive-Summary.pdf

http://www.fatherhoodinstitute.org/2021/contemporary-fathers-in-the-uk/

Coach, consultant and 'living system', we talk to Ethan about his journey from googling 'male trapped in female body' to father of two, including a lockdown baby.

We discuss the power of flexible working as an enabler for Ethan to be the person and the dad he wanted to be and how a throw away comment about a new kitten - 'Look! Two mummies' was the catalyst for the addressing the fundamental identity crisis his life and ultimately lead to visiting the Alternative Parenting Show.

We cover the role of allies, the things Ethan has learnt from reciprocal coaching with BAME coachees and how talking empowers others to share their story and creates ripples of understanding. 

In an unusual tangent, we stumble across the story that Ethan parents are head and deputy head at the school he went to and where also his daughter has been at nursery. Definitely a family affair!

We chat about the importance of listening to lived experience, intersectionality and asking people what they need, especially with 2021 and the return to the work place.

Plus make sure you listen properly to your children to avoid the sombre school lesson of  'soldiers and poppies' becoming a somewhat more upbeat tale of (heads,) 'shoulders and puppies'  

And we talk vaccinations, Friday night (hockey) action in Bromley and the joy of planning to do things.

Tips include

Little steps - the email signature

Leave your phones outside the bedroom

Journaling for kids

https://boundcoaching.co.uk/

https://twitter.com/ethansalathiel

https://www.linkedin.com/in/ethan-salathiel-he-him-his-b7043238/

Eternity Leave is a wry, semi autobiographical novel about being a stay at home dad, and the author, Simon Kettlewell, joined James and Ian to talk about his inspiration from over 20 years as primary carer to his four children. It's story that had extra chapters added in Lockdown as older children returned home and his 16 year old son struggled with remote learning.

We learn about his path from NHS clinician and manager via working in mental health services in Eastern Europe to a rural idyll in Devon, where he combined novel writing, growing vegetables and raising chickens (with varying degrees of success)

In his own words on LinkedIn: 

"Wrote 1 best seller and dried up. Looked after 4 children for 20 years so wrote a novel about that. People seem excited."

We talk about the joys of going "somewhere else", exchanging Christmas presents in the carpark at Stonehenge and Ian finds joy in dabbling in Crypto.

Plus we explore the one-dimensional portrayal of fatherhood in "mummy-lit", the importance of conversations about equality and childcare before children arrive and more lessons from "How to disagree respectively" by Ian Leslie, James is current favourite book! 

Tips include

Lessons in masculinity from Falcon and the Winter Soldier

Mediation in the sun

Dads, put the time in now, reap the benefits later

 --------------------------------------------

https://simonkettlewell.co.uk/

https://twitter.com/SIMONKETTLEWELL

We look back at the guests, the stories and the tips that caught our eye since January.

00:30 Weathermen, Ian’s course development, Covid scare at school and Couch to 5k 

03:00 James finally gets physio on his back

05:15 Working from home with kids around

06:30 The return to office life and the Goldman Sachs way of working 

09:00 Are the government actually consulting on flexible working rights?

11:00 Linking working patterns to gender equality

12:00 Home-school since January

14:00 The novelty wearing off for Dads?

15:00 We discuss John Adams and Dr Jasmine Kelland LinkedIn Live - Parents in the Pandemic

17:25 Stand out moments with Nathan McGurl, Dan Stanley and Will Champion

19:00 Lessons from Coldplay, Wise Brian Ballantyne, Practical tips from Louise Goss and Rhian Mannings’ story

21:00 Planning the summer season 

22:00 Joining the dots between sexual violence and equality in the home

28:30 Looking back at the season tips

31:30 This Week’s Tips

• Read Rob Parsons - The Heart of Success
• Open Easter eggs with your head (and why not?!)
  
  

Next Lockdown Dads will be 28th April 2021

In 2012 Rhian Mannings’ life suddenly and tragically changed when first her young son George died, followed 5 days later by her husband Paul.

In this important and uplifting conversation, we explore how support was missing for bereaved parents like Rhian and Paul and how, what she imagined would be “hobby”, turned into a nationwide charity called 2 Wish Upon A Star providing immediate and ongoing bereavement support for families, individuals and professionals affected by the sudden and traumatic death of a child or young adult aged 25 or under.

We learn about the importance of the elephant in the bereavement box (and in the room) and discuss “masculinities” and how they have an impact on how and when men seek out the help they need.

Plus we scatter some celebrity stardust from the likes of Sam Warburton, Will Champion, Nick Knowles and Michael Sheen.

Contents

01:00 Spring, getting out the house in Wales, rugby and the importance of sport

03:10 Why The Great Escape is analogy for how James feels

05:40 Rhian’s path to founding 2 Wish Upon a Star. Losing George and Paul.

07:00 Starting the charity - I just needed something to keep me going.

08:30 Lacking support, Paul blamed himself.

09:40 Going into A&E departments and asking for the person in charge

11:00 Finding the strength to tell her story

12:30 Ian talks about his friendship with Paul and the first time he met Rhian

14:15 Reflecting on bereavement and how different families have coped with lockdown

15:00 Keeping 2 Wish Upon A Star going during lockdown

16:40 The elephant in the room - memory boxes and remembering

19:00 Paul felt like he’d failed everyone

21:00 Multiple masculinities and the pressure men can feel

23:00 Supporting dads - the importance of sport in the charity’s work.

24:30 The Welsh rugby team - role models for mental health

26:00 Celebrity Ambassadors - Will Champion and Nick Knowles

27:00 Super actor Michael Sheen unveiled as new ambassador!  

Tips

• Photograph your kids asleep (!) 
• Recognise when you nee to plug your battery in 
• Understand that reaching out the help is not a sign of weakness, it is often a sign of strength.

———————————-

Connect Or Contact With Rhian And Her Charity

https://twitter.com/2wishupon

https://www.2wishuponastar.org/

Learn about the OECD report - “Man Enough”

Brian Ballantyne, Co-Founder of Men for Inclusion, author of “Confessions of a Working Dad” and one time Babycenter moderator joins James and Ian in Episode 37 of Lockdown Dads.

It’s an open and honest discussion in which we discuss what it means to be good ally, how Brian’s own family were a prompt to volunteer in diversity and inclusion voluntary work and why men must be involved if we aren’t just creating inclusion echo chambers.

Plus “Centrist Dads”, Burnout and recharging batteries and how to argue well.

Contents

01:00 A tough week for Brian - lessons in boundaries, batteries and burnout

04:30 Balancing family and personal priorities

06:00 Ian has been shooting video content + 

07:00 Social media and men’s attitudes to women’s personal safety

08:00 Ian forgets about James

09:30 James reflects on a bad week for gender equality

11:30 Being a Babycenter moderator

12:45 Dad culture - the time when Brian’s CEO stalked him on Foursquare

14:30 Family influence on diversity and inclusion work.

15:10 Women in Technology echo chambers 

17:00 How Male Allies for Gender Equality became Men for Inclusion

19:45 We discuss what allyship means

Tips

23:10

James has been reading  Conflicted: Why Arguments Are Tearing Us Apart and How They Can Bring Us Together

Q. What is a Centrist Dad”

Ian recommends previous guest, Rachel Vecht’s quick video on how to extract information from your school age children!

Brian talks about cherishing the small moments

————————————-

Connect With Brian

https://www.linkedin.com/company/menforinclusion/

https://www.e2w.co/men-for-inclusion

https://www.linkedin.com/in/brian-ballantyne-336754/