Locker Room - A Southland Christian Church Podcast

In this episode Scott reads from and discusses two books: The Boy Crisis by Warren Farrell & John Gray; and Fatherless America by David Blankenhorn.

1. Describe your family dynamic growing up. Who was most influential in your life?
2. How is the health of your relationship with your dad? What has caused it to be that way?
3. "The Boy Crisis" reveals that dads are important because, when sons see their dads, they see who they can become. What future are you modeling for your kids?
4. Dad-deprived kids are more likely to suffer in many areas: Grades and awards, skipping school, expulsion from school, not finishing school, joining gangs, suicide rates, drug use, homelessness, sexual abuse and victimization, and much more. Dad-deprived kids are less likely to be employed, get married, stay married, be a good dad themselves. How are you contributing to this trend? How are you contributing to the solution?
5. How are you intentionally investing in your wife? How are you pursuing her? What rhythms do you have in place to practice a healthy relationship?
6. What can you do to invest in kids without fathers?

In this episode Scott and guest Gary Black tackle how our struggles with shame--both from things done to us and things we have done--rob us of our identity. We'll talk about how God wants to restore us and steps we can take towards peace.

1. Shame is usually rooted in things we have done or things that have been done to us. Which of these do you resonate with most? Why?
2. Gary mentioned that we should never introduce ourselves or define ourselves by our deficiencies, but rather as a much-loved creation of God who therefore has significant value and worth. What self-deficiencies tend you plague your self-definition? How do you think Jesus would define who you are?
3. Shame can come from many different sources, even those we are unaware of. It can come from ourselves, our church, teachers, coaches, parents, spouses, friends, even strangers on social media. Which relationships have caused you to be the most aware of shame? What was it that was done or said that has hurt you the most?
4. In the battle against shame, we need to help people recognize their woundedness. What have been some of your most profound or longest-lasting wounds?
5. Discuss the fact that anger in men is often a sign of shame. In men, anger often stems from a place of masking a desire to never let anyone see our weaknesses.
6. Once you have located the root of your shame, you need to see it in light of how God sees you: Forgiven and free of shame. As Gary mentioned, "You need to accept your unacceptableness." What area(s) of your life do you struggle to accept?
7. Before we begin our self-improvement program, we must fully understand and fully accept God's grace. Gary says grace is much more than just the cross—it is an all-encompassing, radically amazing, overwhelming sense of God's love and favor for us. How does this challenge your past understanding of grace?
8. Forgiving someone, especially of a deep hurt, is not a "one and done"... it is more like the beginning of a journey. Share about your journey to forgive others. Is there someone specifically you struggle to forgive? Where are you at today with forgiveness?
9. Forgiveness is a choice, it is not an emotion. Write a list of all the emotions that the person who hurt you has caused you and why. And then decide, from today on, that you will live in the freedom of forgiveness... and that you will not give that person power over you anymore.

In this episode Scott talks about self-righteousness and how it kills our freedom.

The episode begins with a reading recommendation from Scott - How to Exasperate Your Wife and Other Short Essays for Men by pastor and author Douglas Wilson.

1) Ask yourself the question, "If my household was a story, what kind of character would I be in it?" Would you be the good guy? The bad guy? The knight in shining armor? The villain? 2) Godly discipline is not confined to one aspect of our lives. It affects everything, it spreads to everything, and is always growing. We see that lust produces envy, strife, and discontent whereas self-control produces patience, kindness, and joy. In your life, are you currently experiencing more envy or more patience? More strife or more kindness? More discontent or greater joy? 3) Discipline drives us to be the people we are becoming daily. What type of person do you want to become? What disciplines are required to become that person? 4) Self-Righteousness is a freedom killer, and one reason for this is because no one thinks they struggle with it. Do you agree or disagree? Why? 5) Self-righteousness is a rejection of what Jesus has already provided for us in an effort to provide for ourselves. How does this play out in your world? 6) Self-righteousness doesn't give in very easily, it tends to hide. In what areas of your life do you fight off a sense of superiority over others? 7) Share where you're at with this topic and pray for one another where you need to see Jesus transform you.

In this episode Scott expands more on fear and how men can face it head-on. We wrap this week's episode with a challenge.

1) Courage is not the absence of fear, courage is action in spite of fear. What thoughts, situations, or concerns create the most fear in you? What fears paralyze you to inaction? 2) The pathway to courage is vulnerability. C.S. Lewis once said, “To love at all is to be vulnerable.” So if vulnerability is the power by which men push through to courage, why are we afraid to place ourselves in positions of vulnerability? 3) Why do men view vulnerability as a weakness and not a strength? What areas of your life are you least willing to be vulnerable? 4) It is easier to abdicate responsibility than to carry it. What responsibilities at home, work, and with friends do you find the most burdensome? 5) Brene Brown shares examples of vulnerability such as: Voicing an unpopular opinion, asking for help, saying no, starting my own business, initiating sex with my wife, calling a friend whose child has just died, getting a promotion and not knowing how I will perform, admitting I am afraid, asking for forgiveness, working out in public, etc. Which of these do you identify with the most? 6) Men do a really good job of talking, but rarely about anything of substance. We divert the conversations to areas of comfort as opposed to being pushed to open up. What conversations do you try to avoid at all cost? 7) Only weak men tend to belittle other men. Do the people you spend the most time with push you down or pull you up? What causes us to sometimes put other men down instead of building them up? 8) What is the one conversation you need to have with someone this week where you would have to be completely open and vulnerable? Who do you need to have it with? Do it.

Scott talks about fear and how it robs us of opportunities in our lives.

1) Scott mentioned that “fear is not a sin.” How did your upbringing in your family and church either confirm or contrast with this statement? 2) The most common command in the Bible is to not fear, however fear dominates most people's lives. How has fear, anxiety, and stress affected your life? What do you think causes most people to live in fear when we are called not to? 3) Jesus Himself being fully man experienced fear—we see that in Luke 22:44. Fear made Jesus tremble but did not divert Him from His mission. Jesus’ fear drove Him to obedience, not disobedience. How do you respond when you’re overcome with fear? 4) How do you resonate with these statements: Fear of failure can cheat us out of the opportunity to compete. Fear of people can lead you to tell people what they want to hear. Fear of financial loss can cause you to play it safe. Fear of change can lead you to miss God’s call in your life. Fear of looking foolish steals your joy. Fear of the unknown can lead to away from serving others. Fear of being left out can steal your rest. Fear of being incompetent can keep you from learning new things. 5) n the Old Testament Jacob wrestled with fear and it drove him to do absurd things. What were some instances in your life when you did ridiculous things because you were fearful of an outcome? 6) When have you allowed fear to cheat you out of something? What regrets do you have about fear? Who has been hurt because you were driven by fear? Is there a consistent fear in your life that has paralyzed you? 7) Partner up with one person, share your greatest fear about the upcoming week, and pray over one another—that you will trust Jesus and His power to encourage and embolden you to persevere when met with adversity this week.

Qaaim is one of the newest staff members at Southland and he has an incredible story to share.

1. Qaaim talked about his upbringing in New York City and how it shaped him growing up. Where are you from and what was your family like? 
2. Did you grow up with the mentality of helping fight other’s battles for them? Did you have people to help you overcome adversity or were you left to your own abilities? How do you think this shaped your life?
3. Qaaim went from being in a culture in New York where everyone was like him, to Kentucky where people were different. What have those situations looked like for you? Have you ever experienced going from being the majority to the minority? What was that like, if so?
4. Qaaim brought up a great point that most people don’t want to hear about your faith unless there is already an established, healthy relationship. How does this fact shape the way you build relationships and share your faith with people?
5. Learning to listen is a gift from God, because in it we can make people feel loved without saying a word. What has been your experience with giving and receiving this gift? 
6. King David was disobedient but was not shackled by his sin and mistakes. Rather, he learned and grew from them. What does Satan use from your past to try and hold you down? What is one lesson you’ve learned from which you’ve experienced healing and growth?

Scott is one of the Pastoral Impact Pastors at Southland and he shares tons of wisdom he's gained through the years of working with men.

1. Hatfield opened up about his family and upbringing. What was your family dynamic and upbringing like?
2. Men allow their circumstances to eclipse them (addiction, pride, passivity, marriage issues, purity issues, shame). They drag their pain around with them wherever they go. What issue is plaguing you? What pain or situation are you carrying around with you?
3. Pride and passivity are the main sins men struggle with. How are these two things plaguing you currently?
4. Because of the fall, a lot of men look to their work for their identity through affirmation, approval, and/or validation. How is this true for you? If not at work, where else do you look for validation?
5. When men feel incompetent, they tend to give up instead of doing the hard work. This plays out mostly in the area of being a godly husband and father. Where do you get the most frustrated in those relationships and where is it easiest to give up?
6. How can you go home and begin to foster a new reality as a Leader? What small deposits can you begin to make with your wife and kids?
7. Hatfield mentioned that too many men look to the “experts,” to tell them what the Bible shows them to be true of Jesus rather than reading it for themselves. What keeps you from getting into God’s word for yourself? What motivates you to read your Bible?

Mike is the former lead pastor of Southland and he is currently teaching at multiple churches. He and Scott sit down to discuss what he's learned about men in his many years of ministry.

1. A lot of guys are searching for approval. You can spend your whole life trying to attain the acceptance you already have. Jesus’ death on the cross for your sins proves that you are more valuable than you can ever imagine. How do you struggle to believe this as true? 
2. “Am I enough?” Where does this question plague your identity the most? 
3. What a man desires the most is unfailing love, but the problem is we look for it in people who can only offer conditional love. Who/where do you look for affirmation? 
4. When we look to people for our affirmation and approval, we put a tremendous amount of pressure on them because they cannot be our God. Who have you put pressure on? How has that affected your relationship with them?
5. We set ourselves up for disappointment when we look to imperfect people and things for our approval. Who/where have you been disappointed by in the past? 
6. Insecure husbands can project those insecurities onto their wives to be something she is not. How have you tried to change your wife to fit your insecurities? 
7. Do you tend to be a person who offers help or needs help? Where do you need to find security so that you can become more of a person who helps. 
8. What circles are you placing yourself in so that you can begin to create deep friendships? Both with believers and non-believers? 
9. Accountability is only as good as you want it to be. How would you gauge the level of accountability you currently have? What is one change you can make to increase the fruit in your accountability?
10. Read Micah 6:8. What is the Lord requiring of you to live out this week?

Scott talks with Dave Willis about his new book, Raising Boys Who Respect Girls

1. Dave starts out by saying, “The whole point in life is healthy relationships.” How does the way you spend your time and efforts support or conflict with this statement? What do you spend your time and effort pursuing the most?
2. If we are not alarmed by our cultural climate then we are not paying attention. What are some dynamics of the cultural climate that frustrate you or that you don’t know how to navigate?
3. When you hear the phrase “toxic masculinity” what are some of the first words you think of? How does “toxic masculinity” tend to taint or obscure “true masculinity”?
4. How can men take up their responsibility to use our strength to protect women, not to take advantage of them?
5. Boys are falling behind socially, spiritually, and academically because even if fathers are in the house, they’re not emotionally present. How can you work toward changing this as far as it is up to you?
6. As men, we have to go first. We cannot ask our boys to do something we ourselves are not doing. Where do you need to lead out for the younger men or boys in your life to see true masculinity?
7. “Everybody wins when men follow Jesus.” In what areas do you need more of Jesus? In what areas have you been desensitized to culture and allowed it to shape you?
8. As parents, we do not have to be fair in our parenting; we are called to be wise. What are some examples of erring on the side of wisdom instead of fairness? Why is this important?
9. Your family can do with less of everything in this world except your time and affection. What are some areas of your life and lifestyle that you might let go so you can spend the most time with your family?

In this episode Scott talks about how to cultivate deep security in who we are.

1) What has been your past experience with cultivating deep security in who you are? What struggles have you encountered? 2) How have you historically been taught about God being all-knowing? How have you reacted to that truth? How have you tried to cover up things from God or clean up things for God? 3) Scott points out, there is no point in hiding from God because he is all-knowing. There are no deficiencies, inadequacies, faults, sins, weaknesses, that God sees in us as believers ...so then there is no point in hiding from him. What keeps you from viewing yourself the way God does? 4) God fully sees the good attributes you have. He sees your strengths, abilities, talents, courage, care, love, and giftedness. What are some of the good attributes you do have? 5) God sees you for who you are really (both good and bad) and loves you dearly in light of it all. His love for you is not up for negotiation. 6) We have all struggled for seeing validation from others. Who have you sought validation from? And what circumstances or situations are you most susceptible to seeing validation? 7) Take a look at your life? What, if it was taken away from you, would you lose your identity? Power, position, influence, status, wealth, appearance, etc. 8) What is it, if left unchecked, could begin to identify you? How can you begin to cultivate a deep security in who you are so as not to develop a life of insecurity? Who in your life helps you maintain a real perspective of who you are?