Most people say they want love, then date like they’re configuring a device: height, income, politics, trauma level, texting cadence, therapy status, “emotional intelligence,” travel appetite—tick, tick, tick. It feels safe. It feels efficient. It feels like control. 

But love isn’t mechanical. People aren’t programmable. They have grey areas: prickly parts, warm parts, avoidant parts, tender parts, contradictions, history. A checklist can’t measure inner world alignment, truth-telling, repair ability, or whether two people can actually build safety together. 

I unpack how romantic idealism can make you naïve—especially when you grew up in warmth and assume everyone else did too. Then reality hits: people don’t always tell the truth, not always under pressure, and if you don’t interrogate someone’s inner world you end up in cycles that feel “mystical” but are actually predictable scripts. 

The shift is simple: keep your values, drop the robot requirements. Choose moment-to-moment evidence. Build the skill of doing things well with people—clarity, repair, accountability, warmth. Then create a vehicle for connection that’s alive, consistent, and real.

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