Lunchtime in Rome

Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 220 entitled “Family History Pt 2. Knowing where you've been can help you get to where you want to go. This is sneaky true in regards to your childhood and emotional health. That is why we are completing our "Family History" this week at The Table. Adding in (potentially) hilarious questions makes it more fun.

Pull up a seat at the table and join us!

Get full access to Lunchtime In Rome Podcast at www.lunchtimeinrome.com/subscribe

Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 219 entitled “Family History”. What was your family like? What was it like growing up? Tonight at The Table we will be asking questions about life growing up. Join us and answer the questions for yourself. Most are serious, some are hilarious. Was your childhood healthy or was it....complicated?

Pull up a seat at the table and join us!

Get full access to Lunchtime In Rome Podcast at www.lunchtimeinrome.com/subscribe

Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 218 entitled “Anti Comfort”. Too often we try to comfort someone and not only does it not work, they end up feeling worse and we feel frustrated.  Why is that?  Why doesn’t it work?  What can we do about it?  That’s what we’re talking about tonight.

Pull up a seat at the table and join us!

Anti Comfort Outline

* We try to comfort someone and it doesn’t work (reference episodes 207&208, emotional needs that clash & 40 enmeshed) and, in fact, does the complete opposite.

* Examples

* Confusing poor emotional responding with comfort

* FLR

* fixing them (helping them not make the same mistakes)

*  “Here’s why this happened”

* Selfish

* empathy (trying to show them you understand)

* “When I lost my father…” 

* Critical

* tough love (adjusting their levels of emotions)

* “Don’t cry”, “It’s not that big of a deal” 

* Enmeshment vs Detachment

* Enmeshment/Detached definition

* Enmeshed is forced into a peace keeping role that is not theirs - Most often child in between parents

* Enmesh tries to fix but feels horrible about themselves

* Enmesh has high need for sec, accept, belong

* Enmesh doesn’t want to do it but feels compelled

* Enmesh ends up feeling alone

* Detach demands that enmesh stand up for themselves

* This satisfies the detached’s needs (sec, resp)

* This ignores the enmeshed pain

* The enmeshed feels alone, as does the detached

* Ironically I’ve seen it where the enmeshed then detaches from detached while detached tries to fix enmeshed

* Enmeshed is not enmeshed with detached

* Detached is not detached from enmeshed

* What does work?  True comfort

* Rom 12:15 joining them in their emotions and attaching comfort to pain

* We comfort…THEN give advice (FLR), when they ask.

* Detached joins Enmeshed in their pain

* Feels bad that they’re in that position

* Appreciates their efforts

* Then, after that and then some, works to establish boundaries/borders

Get full access to Lunchtime In Rome Podcast at www.lunchtimeinrome.com/subscribe

Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 217 entitled “Conflict Resolution part 2”. Tonight we may very well ruin every apology that ever comes your way from here on out! Conversely, you will be the very best at letting people you know that you are sorry for hurting them and they will (have every opportunity and reason to) forgive you.

Pull up a seat at the table and join us!

What is this podcast all about?

Being alone is the worst. Good times aren’t as good and bad times are worse when you are all alone. Romans 12:15 says to rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn. That is how you keep people from being alone and what this podcast is all about.  We demonstrate that in the first 15 minutes of the podcast and talk about it for the rest.

So while it may not be 12:15 in Rome, we’re treating it like it is Lunchtime in Rome!

Ideal Conflict Resolution

*  Identify the emotion vs the feeling

* The emotion is the need not met or taken from you/them.

* The feeling is what resulted from the need not being met.

* Anger/Fear/Guilt/Self Condemnation.

* Note: identifying the feeling is essential for receiving comfort but secondary in conflict resolution.

* You and they need to identify what emotional need wasn’t met or taken to fully understand your feelings.

* They (or someone else) can then join you in your emotion to comfort.

* There can be and very well may be multiple emotional need hurt in any given offense.

* Communicate how it made you feel in that moment.

* How was the emotional need not met or taken from you/them?

* Be completely open and honest.

* Do not diminish.

* Do not exaggerate.

* Try to connect this present hurt to any past hurts.

* This will help you and them understand why the need being taken/not met hurts as much as it does.

* Clearly, this may not be possible in a given back and forth moment.

* Talk to God about it

* The offended

* Tell Him what happened to you.

* Ask Him how He feels about it.

* Admit to Him that you need comfort and healing.

* Ask Him for insight into the offender and that they (and the relationship) are worth more than their offense.

* Ask Him for the strength to forgive.

* Forgive them in prayer to God.

* Forgive them in person.

* The offender

* Tell Him what you did.

* Tell Him what they said (yes, He knows).

* Ask Him to help you understand how it hurt them.

* Ask Him how He feels about what you did.

* Realize that He loves them more than you do.

* Understand that to hurt them is to hurt Him.

* Think about, pray about what He would say about what you did or didn’t do.

* Confess (agree with God) that what you did was wrong.

* Ask both Him for forgiveness.

* To find resolution

* For the offender

* Seek to understand more than to be forgiven.

* Through all that you’ve done above, your goal should be to understand how you made them feel, not just to be forgiven.  - That is why simply saying, “I’m sorry” or “I didn’t mean to hurt you” doesn’t do anything and, in fact, makes things worse.

* When you hurt them it left them feeling alone, understanding how you hurt them will begin the healing process.

* Express to them how you believe what you did made them feel.

* Ask them if it made them feel any other way.

* Tell THEM that what you did was wrong, and ask them to forgive you.

* For the offended

* Realize that God has forgiven them.

* Be honest and admit to what you felt.

* Openly tell them any other feelings you had.

* Remember that to forgive is not to forget.

* Forgive them.

* Possible interruptions/complications to this process.

* Lack of honesty and trust - this is all predicated upon trusting that each person is being open/honest and vulnerable.

* Negative patterns of conflict resolutions.

* Denial “It’s no big deal”

* Anger taking over

* Outwardly yelling/name calling.

* Inward rage/quiet treatment.

* Ignoring it in hopes it goes away.

* Seeking forgiveness over understanding

* Typical of high need of acceptance.

* In direct conflict with need of comfort/security/respect.

* Reference Relationship Games podcasts.

* Past hurts that have not been resolved.

* Before and/or outside of the relationship.

* Within the existing relationship.

Get full access to Lunchtime In Rome Podcast at www.lunchtimeinrome.com/subscribe

Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 216 entitled “Conflict Resolution”. People do not know how to express a hurt and clearly do not know how to apologize. WE DO! Tonight we'll begin to talk about and teach you how to do that this week at The Table.

Pull up a seat at the table and join us!

What is this podcast all about?

Being alone is the worst. Good times aren’t as good and bad times are worse when you are all alone. Romans 12:15 says to rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn. That is how you keep people from being alone and what this podcast is all about.  We demonstrate that in the first 15 minutes of the podcast and talk about it for the rest.

So while it may not be 12:15 in Rome, we’re treating it like it is Lunchtime in Rome!

Ideal Conflict Resolution

*  Identify the emotion vs the feeling

* The emotion is the need not met or taken from you/them.

* The feeling is what resulted from the need not being met.

* Anger/Fear/Guilt/Self Condemnation.

* Note: identifying the feeling is essential for receiving comfort but secondary in conflict resolution.

* You and they need to identify what emotional need wasn’t met or taken to fully understand your feelings.

* They (or someone else) can then join you in your emotion to comfort.

* There can be and very well may be multiple emotional need hurt in any given offense.

* Communicate how it made you feel in that moment.

* How was the emotional need not met or taken from you/them?

* Be completely open and honest.

* Do not diminish.

* Do not exaggerate.

* Try to connect this present hurt to any past hurts.

* This will help you and them understand why the need being taken/not met hurts as much as it does.

* Clearly, this may not be possible in a given back and forth moment.

* Talk to God about it

* The offended

* Tell Him what happened to you.

* Ask Him how He feels about it.

* Admit to Him that you need comfort and healing.

* Ask Him for insight into the offender and that they (and the relationship) are worth more than their offense.

* Ask Him for the strength to forgive.

* Forgive them in prayer to God.

* Forgive them in person.

* The offender

* Tell Him what you did.

* Tell Him what they said (yes, He knows).

* Ask Him to help you understand how it hurt them.

* Ask Him how He feels about what you did.

* Realize that He loves them more than you do.

* Understand that to hurt them is to hurt Him.

* Think about, pray about what He would say about what you did or didn’t do.

* Confess (agree with God) that what you did was wrong.

* Ask both Him for forgiveness.

* To find resolution

* For the offender

* Seek to understand more than to be forgiven.

* Through all that you’ve done above, your goal should be to understand how you made them feel, not just to be forgiven.  - That is why simply saying, “I’m sorry” or “I didn’t mean to hurt you” doesn’t do anything and, in fact, makes things worse.

* When you hurt them it left them feeling alone, understanding how you hurt them will begin the healing process.

* Express to them how you believe what you did made them feel.

* Ask them if it made them feel any other way.

* Tell THEM that what you did was wrong, and ask them to forgive you.

* For the offended

* Realize that God has forgiven them.

* Be honest and admit to what you felt.

* Openly tell them any other feelings you had.

* Remember that to forgive is not to forget.

* Forgive them.

* Possible interruptions/complications to this process.

* Lack of honesty and trust - this is all predicated upon trusting that each person is being open/honest and vulnerable.

* Negative patterns of conflict resolutions.

* Denial “It’s no big deal”

* Anger taking over

* Outwardly yelling/name calling.

* Inward rage/quiet treatment.

* Ignoring it in hopes it goes away.

* Seeking forgiveness over understanding

* Typical of high need of acceptance.

* In direct conflict with need of comfort/security/respect.

* Reference Relationship Games podcasts.

* Past hurts that have not been resolved.

* Before and/or outside of the relationship.

* Within the existing relationship.

Get full access to Lunchtime In Rome Podcast at www.lunchtimeinrome.com/subscribe

Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 215 entitled “Wild Divorces”

Who has it worse than you? The people we'll be talking about at The Table this evening. We will be going over some of the most random and ridiculous reasons people have filed for divorce.

Obviously, we will try to tie it back to what went wrong in regards to emotional needs long before the marriage dissolved.

Pull up a seat at the table and join us!

What this podcast is all about

Being alone is the worst. Good times aren’t as good and bad times are worse when you are all alone. Romans 12:15 says to rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn. That is how you keep people from being alone and what this podcast is all about.  We demonstrate that in the first 15 minutes of the podcast and talk about it for the rest.

So while it may not be 12:15 in Rome, we’re treating it like it is Lunchtime in Rome.  

From Reader’s Digest

He lost a bet

In 2007, a Russian man ran out of money while playing poker, so he bet his wife—and lost. When his wife found out, she left him for the man who’d won her and her heart.

1.3 million reasons

In January of 1997, a California woman filed for divorce after 25 years of what her husband believed had been a happy marriage. The real reason didn’t come out until two years later. On Dec. 28, 1996, just 11 days before she filed for divorce, the wife had won $1.3 million in the California Lottery. Thereafter, she took various actions to keep the money all to herself, including filing for divorce. When the truth came out, a Los Angeles family court judge ruled that the woman had violated state asset disclosure laws and awarded every cent of her lottery winnings to her ex-husband.

He built a wall

Literally. In 2009, a German woman filed for divorce after her husband knocked down and rebuilt a wall in their home—because (he said) it got dirty. This was apparently the final straw in a 15-year marriage during which the husband obsessively cleaned the house and rearranged the furniture.

Voted out

Earlier this year, a California woman left her husband of 22 years when she found out he had voted for President Donald J. Trump. Apparently, this “betrayal,” as she put it, was the tipping point. “It opened up areas between us I had not faced before,” she explained.

Because he divorced her first

Four months after their 1994 wedding, a New York man secretly divorced his wife in the Dominican Republic. She didn’t find out for another 22 years, during which they went on with their lives as a “married” couple, raising a son and living the good life, jetting between homes in New York and France. When she learned the truth (after discovering that she was not listed as an owner on the deed to their home), her husband claimed it was an attempt to protect their assets. She believes it was an attempt to rob her of assets and is now seeking to nullify the divorce and, presumably, divorce him legally in New York.

Stuff you can’t “make up”

A 34-year-old man filed for divorce from his 28-year-old bride just days after the wedding, after he saw her without makeup, according to Dr. Abdul Aziz Asaf, a psychologist at the clinic where the woman sought help in recovering from her psychological suffering as a result. Apparently, the man felt that his wife had deceived him with cosmetics, including false eyelashes. The “deception” was discovered when the two went to the beach together, and a dip in the ocean washed away her makeup. Learn about the 10 biggest plus-sides of being divorced.

The devil made him do it?

An Italian man filed for divorce on the grounds that his wife was “possessed by the devil.” Apparently, the woman had displayed “inexplicable behavior” since 2007, including fits, body-stiffening, and even self-levitation. A court in Milan granted the divorce, acknowledging the existence of the behavior but declining to say it was the wife’s fault.

No more “Mr. Nice Guy”

Rashida Lucas divorced her husband, T.P., because, as she said on national television, he was just “too nice.” Chief among Lucas’s grievances were that T.P. said “I love you” too much and that he was such a good cook that it had caused her to gain weight. Normally, though, “I love you” is not one of the things you should never say to your spouse.

She kept a decades-old secret

After more than 70 years of marriage, a 99-year-old Italian man divorced his wife after he stumbled across love letters she’d written to a secret lover in the 1940s. The wife then confessed to having had an affair and begged her husband’s forgiveness. But the husband wasn’t having it. Apparently, their marriage had been long, but it had also been rocky.

Frozen out

For one Japanese couple who had been married for six years, the movie Frozen was the deal-breaker. After watching it, he made the mistake of asking her, “Did you really think it was that good?” Well, apparently, she did, and the fact that he could even ask that question made her question what sort of person he was. And she couldn’t seem to “let it go,” moving out of their marital residence soon after.

Get full access to Lunchtime In Rome Podcast at www.lunchtimeinrome.com/subscribe

Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 214 entitled “Julian Jay”. Julian Jay is the boyfriend of Christina Marra (episode 116) and friend of many who sit at The Table. He will be joining us tonight! (yes, he is a professional wrestler and much, much more).

Pull up a seat at the table and join us!

Julian’s Social

Instagram

Twitter

Merch

Get full access to Lunchtime In Rome Podcast at www.lunchtimeinrome.com/subscribe

Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 214 entitled “Georgi”. Georgi is a quick and SHARP witted friend with a STRONG sense of self and a trademark style of crafting a message that cuts through all the noise. She's funny, direct, loyal and always up for a challenge.

Pull up a seat at the table and join us! First time listeners can subscribe on your favorite podcast app, or watch us LIVE or later at youtube.com/@lunchtimeinrome.

What specifically is Lunchtime in Rome about?

Being alone is the worst. Good times aren’t as good and bad times are worse when you are all alone. Romans 12:15 says to rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn. That is how you keep people from being alone and what this podcast is all about. We demonstrate that in the first 15 minutes of the podcast and talk about it for the rest.

So while it may not be 12:15 in Rome, we’re treating it like it is Lunchtime in Rome!

Get full access to Lunchtime In Rome Podcast at www.lunchtimeinrome.com/subscribe

Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 212 entitled “The Impact of a Teacher”

What did your teacher or coach teach you about life?  It could be life changing or just something that stuck with you throughout the years. We’ll be sharing those life lessons tonight at The Table.

Pull up a seat at the table and join us!

* Michele Hayhurst Shimko

* Ms. Deb Bryson my honors speech and comp class 11th grade. Take the risk, be your authentic self and put a little piece of you in everything you do. We did a lot of writing and impromptu speeches. But this advice stuck with me...lately it's really become my mantra.

* Tracey McDermott

* Mr Scarcelli taught me 2 things: work ethic and the importance of baking cookies 😊. He packed his lunch daily and would help us struggling Math kids during his lunch in his classroom. I left that class wanting to work harder and have some fun too.

* Shelly Knack Young

* Sister Laurentia: “be at the right place at the right time, doing the right thing”! And ….always use your Christlike manners.

* JoAnne Laffey Abed

* Too many great teachers to mention them all, but Ms. Bowman and Mr. Modic gave me a love of literature and history and the knowledge that you have to dig deeper to get at the real truth.

* I ended up double majoring in English and history, but it goes beyond those subjects. Thanks to them, I developed critical thinking skills and a drive to see things from other perspectives, which have helped me be a better professional, partner, parent, and person every single day.

* Tressa Holodnik

* I had a Computer Science professor in college; we all called her Dr. M.

* I ran to her office an hour before a C++ exam, freaking out because there was this one code set I was using to study, but it wouldn't run for me. After looking over it intently, she found all of my coding logic was correct, but I'd forgotten a semicolon at the end (in english: it's like writing a complete sentence but forgetting a period at the end).

* Her advice to me: "Before you fail the exam/decide to drop the class/change your major/leave the school, sometimes all you're missing is a semicolon."

* How I took that was: before you jump to conclusions or make hasty decisions, stop to look at the small details. There's probably something you're missing or something that's off which is causing you trouble.

* As an overthinker generally, this advice has really helped me in all kinds of situations.

* (Also, for further context, I now produce insurance reports using SQL queries and build out various code sets... So I stuck with it!)

* Laurie Ann Klingler Bonine

* Mr. Isaac taught me that not everyone learns the same way. He met me where I learned—hands on not being lectured to. Changed my world and made me want to be a teacher!

* Emily Rose

* How about from coaches? I think I mentioned this to you before but I will always remember you saying, “Practice makes permanent!”

* Janet Uffner Amato

* One of my nuns at 8th grade graduation stated "dare to be different"! Sounds kind of mundane but it stuck with me!

* Ed Konop

* Ben Holste.... possibly the best and most influential teacher I have ever had.

* "It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice"

* Kristin Eckels Glenn

* Love this. Mr. Pierello, Mr. Scarcelli, and Mr. Hemphill all tried to teach me that I was capable of much more than I thought I was. I wasn’t ready to hear it at the time, but god bless them for trying. Mr. Dortenzo taught me I was a creative writer. thankfully a law school professor - Joan Neiser - recognized my learning style and taught me how to organize all those random creative thoughts.

* Dan Leppold

* Live your life like it's a movie or great novel!

* Celebrate the "wins" in life, no matter how small. Focus on what you did right today, learn from mistakes but walk through those and focus on the good things that you made happen each day.

* Win today.

* Pay yourself first and last. When you get up in the morning do something that makes you happy first.

* At the end of the day reminisce on the good parts of the day.

* You stop improving when you decide to stop getting better. So never stop trying to be a better . . . friend, husband, wife, friend, employee, citizen, etc.

* If you improve 0.3% each day just think about how you will be years from now. This is not just for athletes, but for all of us.

* Make a list (in your mind) of the top 10 greatest moments in your life and think about them at least once every day. This is not a list that you post, or even share with anyone, it's just for you.

* Be thankful when a new experience or accomplishment pushes out one of your older top ten moments.

* I'm not sure how my story will end, but if I'm an old man, collapsed on my farm, knowing it's my last moments . . . I'll be smiling because I plan on thinking about my ten greatest moments!

* Keep them fresh in your mind. We all have accomplished extraordinary things yet often we think the most about our failures.

* That is stupid.

* Live in the moment, keep one eye on tomorrow, move on from yesterday.

* Chickens are easier to pick up at night, so why would you move them during the day?

* Victory is meaningless if it's easy.

* Accept defeat in your life as a sign you are doing everything right.

* Then get back up and do it again.

* WIN LIFE.

* 1. You become what you think about the most

* 2. Confidence starts as a choice

* 3. The quality of excellence begins in your mind

* 4. Celebrate the wins in your everyday life

* 5. Believe then work hard

* Rey the Kitten reminds all of us that even though we might not be little anymore we should still seek joy & fun.

* Don't be too cool to express your true feelings. Be passionate, support those around you, be kind & generous.

* May be an image of cat and text that says 'I wake up every morning to the alarm on my phone playing Something Just Like This by Coldplay and The Chainsmokers. My kitten Rey then jumps onto my chest purring and kneading until get up. This is an every morning routine. Well today on the radio Something Just Like This starts to play, and wouldn't you know it that kitten raced across the room, jumped onto my chest and started kneading and purring. thought that was pretty cool.'

* Never miss a good sunset or a pleasant twilight. That time of the day is wonderful. It can be both warm and cold, light but dark, ending of the day yet it's the beginning of the night. It's a time of reflection, it's magic.

* Don't miss it because you are on your phone or doing something you could do later. Go outside! I specifically have certain farm chores I do at twilight . . . so I don't let one sneak by with appreciating it.

* Actors always have a dress rehearsal before a big show, to fix lighting problems & work out the kinks. To make mistakes - so when the curtain rises everything works. Apply this to your failures in life . . . they are dress rehearsals for success!

* What you did yesterday got you to today . . . now act positively, passionately, decisively . . . and make tomorrow better than today. Be kind, work hard, set realistic goals, and #LiveYourLifeLikeItsAMovie

* All the flowers of tomorrow are in the seeds of today. Get out there and work hard, plant a seed that will make your dreams come true!

* Do something this week that will make the life of another person better. Give it some thought, be excited and passionate, accomplish the goal, then walk away and expect nothing in return. We can all be superheroes.

* Friendly reminder: Most great things had very small beginnings.

* Do it.

* The biggest mistake you can make in life is being afraid of making one; just watching as life passes you by. Failure is merely a stepping stone to success.

* Ok ok, I'll stop lol. These are some of the points I preach to my students. And I try very much to practice what I preach.

* I call it "Monday Morning Advice" and start each of the classes I teach with something like I just posted each week.

* I started this when I wanted to give ONE of my students some advice, but didn't want them to know I was just talking to them. So I gave it to the whole class.

* No lie, about a decade later, that student (now an adult with a family), said to me "you don't remember this I'm sure but one day you gave advice to the whole class . . . well that was huge for me and really helped me!"

* Haha, I just responded with something like "cool" or "that's great".

* Did I remember?

* Ummm yes, and was floored that the person found me to tell me that.

* My first "Monday Morning Advice" was a success.

* How crazy is that?!

Get full access to Lunchtime In Rome Podcast at www.lunchtimeinrome.com/subscribe

Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 211 entitled “Too Much Hurt”

Pull up a seat at the table and join us!

Too Much Hurt - The Full Cup

* “Honey I Can’t”

* Revisit the Emotional Cup

* What happens when your cup is full?  - Remind that this is broken down in the simplest of terms/descriptions

* Emotional Trauma

* Hurts go to Anger? - Irritability/hostility

* Hurts go to Fear?

* Anxiety - constant fear of worst case scenario 

* Depression - resolute to worst case scenario

* Emotionally Numb

* Inward purpose - Detached/protection

* Outward ramifications -Unable to love/meet needs

* Controlling/Obsessive Behavior

* Inward purpose - protection from future pain

* Outward ramifications

* Stealing needs

* Managing all variables to avoid hurts

* Complex Manifestations

* Examples

* Sleep/eating disorders

* Physical Ailments - The Body Keeps the Score

* Escape behaviors

* Substance addictions

* Work/Exercise obsessions

* Purposes 

* Control

* Numbing

* Distractions

* Ramifications - Many

* Go over typical solutions to each

* Come back, once again, to the essential nature of Emotionally Focused Therapy

Get full access to Lunchtime In Rome Podcast at www.lunchtimeinrome.com/subscribe