Mama's Daily Dose

How do you know you can trust someone?

You (and your kids) trust people based on their actions. You trust people who follow through on their word. If you continually do what you say you are going to do, then your kids will trust you.

If you have a friend that is chronically late and says she will meet you for coffee at 9am, you most likely won't trust that she will be there at 9am.

This was shown in as young as preschoolers that when children are exposed to people that do not keep their word; they are less likely to trust and practice self control. In the Marshmallow Test, the kids did not believe, or trust, that they would actually get 2 marshmallows at the end. So why wait? Take the one now that they are guaranteed!

When your child does not expect the delayed reward or consequence to be delivered, then they are going to act rationally and do what they know they will get. If you constantly say, "this is the last song for Cocomelon and then we turn the TV off..." but you allow another song when your toddler screams...this is because they know you aren't going to follow through on your word when they scream and cry.

If you tell your child to stop bothering their brother or they do not get dessert, but you've said this before and they keep bothering their brother and they DO get dessert...then they know you won't follow through, so they keep doing it.

This is a rational response! If your kids don't trust your word, then they will do what benefits them most.

The way to get your kids to trust you is to follow through on your word. On the good and bad. The consequences and rewards. It won't be easy at first...trust me, I've been there. But when you continue to do what you say you're going to do, they will trust you.

www.allyoumama.com
IG -@MeghanQBarrett

Have you every wondered why some people try harder than others?

There was a study to see if preschoolers had internal vs external control of behavior. Meaning they believed they were in control of their behavior or an outside source was.

They were asked questions like:
“When you draw a whole picture without breaking your crayon, is that because you were careful? Or because it was a good crayon?”
“When somebody brings you a present, is that because you are a good girl (boy)? Or because they like to give people presents?

They found even preschooler’s belief that they could control outcomes of their own behavior significantly linked to how hard they tried, how long they persisted and how successful they were at self-control. The more they saw themselves as the cause of positive outcomes, the more likely they were to delay gratification as shown through the Marshmallow test.

Listen to how you speak. Notice when you and your kids say "I can't." Change "I can't" into "I don't know how to...yet!"

If you you think you can't then you can't. If you think you can you can be just like The Little Engine That Could.

If you don't know how to do something...yet, you can figure it out.

If you believe you CAN...then you can! You will continue to try and figure sh*t out when you believe you can accomplish it.

www.allyoumama.com
IG -@MeghanQBarrett

You want your toddler to have some autonomy, but at the same time you want them to be safe and grow up to be a decent human being.

Control battle with toddlers - it can been seen everywhere from what is for breakfast to what to wear that day to potty training!

How much control should you give up to  your toddler? How much control to they need to learn but at the same time be safe?

You want to have some control over your life, you don't like always being told what to do. And neither does your toddler!

Give your toddler choices, allow them to practice their autonomy as well as self control skills. On picture day you may not want them to pick out their whole outfit because you want some decent looking pics. But you can lay out 2 outfits and allow them to choose, that way you both feel like you are exercising some control.

In the Marshmallow Test, the parents that overcontrolled had kids risk undermining their self-control skills and many we unable to wait for the 2 marshmallows. While those parents that encouraged autonomy and problem solving with their children, the children we far more likely to wait for 2 marshmallows.

Allow you children to practice problem solving skills and utilize their autonomy at a younger age when the consequences are far less overreaching then when they are older, in the real world and have to make big decisions with big consequences, they are able to do so.

It may be difficult to imagine your toddler as  a full blown adult having to make adult decisions, but it will come at some time. Allow them to practice making choices now, so they can make the big choices in the future.

www.allyoumama.com
IG -@MeghanQBarrett

The other day my husband was getting frustrated with the kids and blurted out - "If you don't listen then you don't get TV tomorrow morning!"

I was like, "Hold on! You aren't even here tomorrow morning! That is my time to get myself together and get lunches, breakfast, etc. ready for the day. That is a punishment to me!"

This was not a consequence he was able to see through. This would send a mixed message to our kids if he took away TV and then I gave it to them...who do they trust? Do they trust either of us.

Or...I follow through with my punishment.
Or...we both make sure we come up with consequences that we not only follow through on, but that also fit the action.

Follow through on what you say.
The way to build trust with your kids is to to do what you say you are going to do...both the negative and the positive.

Don't threaten to take away the birthday party, Disney trip, or presents from Santa unless you are ACTUALLY prepared to follow through! If they continue with the action you asked them not to do - follow through on the consequence.

If you say they get ice cream or a trip to the park that afternoon - follow through on your word.

This is how we learn to trust. Do what you say when you say you're going to do it. Be a team with your partner. 

www.allyoumama.com
IG -@MeghanQBarrett

Do you ever threaten a consequence for your kids and know darn well you aren't going to follow through?

"If you keep doing that then you aren't going to Johnny's birthday party!"

When you damn well, your kid is still going to Johnny's birthday party because he has been looking forward to it and you have too!

As much as you say, "I'm not going to bribe my kids..." most parents have bribed their kids at some point.

And honestly, it doesn't really matter what the bribe or the consequence is (as long as it fits the action) what really matters is your follow through.

The way your kids learn to trust you and you ultimately trust yourself is by following through on what you say you are going to do.

Today, notice what you say to your kids. Do you follow through on what you say you are going to do for both consequences and rewards and even the neutral things as well. Simply take notice right now. No need to beat yourself up if you find yourself not following through, notice where you do and don't follow through. 


www.allyoumama.com
IG -@MeghanQBarrett

www.allyoumama.com
IG -@MeghanQBarrett

Temptations are all around us and toward the end of the year they get more prolific.

Spending money
Eating sweets
Drinking more
Procrastinating

How do you deal with all these temptations and triggers surrounding you?

There are 2 aspects to all temptations or triggers:
Hot system - The tempting, arousing quality that makes you want to take action. A marshmallow is fluffy, yummy, sugary.
Cool system - The descriptive (non-emotional) cues. A marshmallow is white, rounded, edible, kinda looks like a cloud.

If you are focusing on the hot features you are more likely to take action and in this situation, at the marshmallow. Whereas, if you focus on the cool features you are less likely to take immediate action in eating the marshmallow.

In order to so no to your temptations you need to use your cool system.

One way to utilize the cool system is to look at the stimulus and the situation from another person's point of view.

Look at a stimulus for you. And imagine you are someone else. What would they think of the stimulus? How would they describe it and what would they do.

By looking through the lens of another person you can activate that cool system/

www.allyoumama.com
IG -@MeghanQBarrett

www.allyoumama.com
IG -@MeghanQBarrett

"There is consistency in traits like conscientiousness, honesty, aggression and sociability. But it is consistency contextualized within specific types of situations."
- Walter Mischel The Marshmallow Test

One reason I don't like personality tests is that it doesn't take the context into account.

You can be a totally outgoing (extroverted) person around your close friends. But a big party with a bunch of strangers you tend to stay off to the side and keep to yourself (introverted).

Now does this make you an introvert or extrovert?
One - it doesn't really matter...you're you!
And two it simply means you are different in different situations.

A word or a number doesn't fully describe you and sometimes people will base decisions around their "personality type" without taking the context into account.

We are all different in different situations. Everyone, not only you.
Even your kids! Maybe your kid is not a great listener with you but at school the teacher raves about how great of a listener they are!

Are they a good or bad listener?
Once again - who cares? Does it really need to be labeled in all situations? It depends on the situation.

And don't worry, most kids listen far better to people they don't call "mom."

Realize that you have different sides, traits and characteristics depending on the situation you are in. And you aren't alone - everyone does.

www.allyoumama.com
IG -@MeghanQBarrett

www.allyoumama.com
IG -@MeghanQBarrett

Have you tried to give up gluten or cut back on your carbs?

I remember back in the Atkins days my mom wouldn't even go near a piece a fruit! And currently with Keto all carbs as "bad."

While I won't get into to the discussion on the nutritional facts of carbs (they're not bad...unless you DO have celiac disease); let's talk about why it's easier to give up gluten when you have Celiac as opposed to when you don't and you simply want to lose weight and get healthier.

If someone with Celiac were to think about eating gluten again, they would think of the consequences of it. And those consequences tend to come quickly and painfully. With this thought and clear outcome it becomes easier for this person to steer clear of gluten.

Now if you don't have celiac and you're trying to lose weight and get healthier. The immediate consequences aren't there. You won't experience the pain, bloating and nausea. The consequences you are looking at are long term.

What this comes down to is immediate consequences.

You need to make the long term consequences seem more immediate. Like someone with Celiac if they eat a bagel they will very quickly feel the painful affects. 

Take something you are trying to change or achieve right now. Look at the long term success you are looking for...your "why." And bring that to the now. Make it immediate.

www.allyoumama.com
IG -@MeghanQBarrett

www.allyoumama.com
IG -@MeghanQBarrett

 Why do seemingly smart, responsible people act stupid?

Take Tiger Woods. He was so dedicated to golf. Practiced and trained for hours. Put his heart and soul into the game.
But with his wife...not so dedicated.

Take the politician who fights for kids, women's rights and has dedicated their adult life to public service.
But then is found laundering money.

Is this a character flaw in these people and so many others?

The fact of the matter is, you are different in different situations... and so is everyone else.

There is consistency in traits, but it also depends on the specific situation.

Tiger Woods is hardworking and dedicated on the golf course, but not in the presence of attractive women.

The politician is trustworthy with fighting for his constituents, but not so much with money.

On a smaller scale - maybe you are super outgoing and talkative around a few friends but when you're at a big party you are shy.

Does that mean that you are either outgoing or shy? It means it depends on the situation.

You are different in different contexts, situations and around different people. It doesn't mean you are inauthentic or bad, it simply means you are different.

There are so many facets to you and your personality, embrace them all.

Think of a trait you have that shows up differently in different situations. Accept that you hold both sides of this trait. You don't need to fix either one, recognize that different situations call for different sides of you. 

www.allyoumama.com
IG -@MeghanQBarrett

www.allyoumama.com
IG -@MeghanQBarrett

You aren't crazy. You aren't hypocritical.

You are different in different situations. Your personality can and does change.

Do you find you have patience with your kids, but not your partner?
You exercise self control with spending money, but not so much candy?
You are on time for appointment, but not when meeting up with friends?

We don't always have to universally label people, yourself and personalities. You are multifaceted.

The fact that humans act differently in different situations also presents a challenge. Simply because someone acts one way doesn't mean they will ALWAYS act that way.

You're looking to hire a babysitter and you know the girl down the street gets grate grades and is super responsible at school, but that doesn't not fully predict how she will be around your kids in your house.

This raises issues in everyday life because as humans we look for continuity and you say, "well they're one way here and another there...who are they, really???"

Really, who they are and who you are is YOU. And you are different depending on the context you are in.
 

www.allyoumama.com
IG -@MeghanQBarrett

www.allyoumama.com
IG -@MeghanQBarrett