Man Shopping with Stacie

In this episode, I discuss the idea of building a legacy. I share how over the past year and a half, through my podcast, social media, and networking, I have been building mine. 
My mission has been to help other single people like me find more joy.  Through my transparency, I hope to help others feel understood and less alone. It takes bravery to be real on this podcast, in photos, etc. I hope I’m known for that too. 
I challenge you to think about what it is you want to be known for. What is it that defines you as a person? I suggest you spend more of your time in 2023 focusing on those values.
As for me, I don’t want to be defined by my relationship status. I don’t want to just be known fir “Man Shopping “. It’s time for me to focus on other interests & pursuits. I’m still here… I just may be a bit quieter. 
Thank you for listening. Thank you for your support & friendship.
XOXO
Stacie

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Since I recognize that the holidays are often busy, stressful, and not so holly jolly, I want to remind you of some of the things we singles should be grateful for and also give you all some ideas to bring a bit more joy to your Christmas season.

• We can plan time away without permission or agreement (within reason)
• We can decorate as little or as much and in any fashion we want.
• We don't have to share the goodies and gifts we receive.
• We can get a little extra fluffy (or unshaved) and no one knows the difference or cares.
• We can listen to Christmas music and watch movies without enduring eye rolls or ridicule.
• Some of us have less work to do overall... less food to make, fewer gifts to wrap, one side of the family to visit, etc.

Some ways to make your holidays more jolly:

• Travel with your kids.
• Give to a cause - time or money or both
• Keep things simple and NOT perfect
• Take care of yourself- take a bath, a walk, a nap. 
• Pamper yourself. Get a facial or massage.
• Say a prayer. Meditate. Reflect on things you are grateful for.

Merry Christmas, Friends!
xoxo,
Stacie

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'Tis the Damn Season... You can call me babe for the weekend." ~ Taylor Swift

Cuffing season as defined by Merriam Webster:
"Refers to a period of time where single people begin looking for short term partnerships to pass the colder months of the year.' Cuffing season begins in October and lasts until just after Valentine's Day.

Paraphrasing a  recent article from Today.com says that cuffing season is a seasonal phenomenon of single people ramping up their efforts to enter into relationships during the fall and winter months. Cuffing season falls into the category of situationship. For some people it's a serious relationship. For others it is merely someone to come over when you want company on cold winter nights.

Loneliness is the ultimate driver of cuffing season.  The Cleveland Clinic explains that, " When the temperature drops and it gets cold earlier there is often a change of mood connected to the chemicals of serotonin and melatonin in your body. Cold nights can trigger intense feelings of loneliness and a drop in serotonin and there may even be a link between cuffing season and seasonal affective disorder.

During cuffing season, you may inadvertently lock yourself in a relationship you don't really want to be in. If you're feeling sad, lonely, or desperate, it may not be the best way to start a relationship. Hallmark movies, holiday commercials, etc remind us that being with someone makes us feel cozy. There is a natural boost in serotonin when we're feeling romantic.

I share my own experience of being in a "quasi" relationship during 1 of 4 cuffing seasons I've been through since being separated and divorced. I rebounded during my separation with a close friend. We dated through the fall and broke up on New Years Day. We went out on dates during the holidays, we exchanged gifts, and we were cozy. BUT shit got weird too... I was invited and then uninvited to an office Christmas party. The extra time I had during my holiday vacation time also exposed some underlying issues in our relationship. My boyfriend lied to me and declined an opportunity to spend time with me as well as an overnight invitation. He had family obligations that he wasn't truthful about. Because I didn't want to spend NYE alone, I stuck it out but broke up the next day. I don't regret this one cuffing season I participated in.

I think we're way more prone to "submarining" during cuffing season. Be cautious reaching out and being receptive to attention from people you were once romantic with. Maybe it's a great time to reconnect, maybe not. Cuffing doesn't have to be for the whole season. Maybe it can be fun to go as a plus one to a holiday wedding or NYE party. You don't have to lock down. 

Personally, I don't miss getting pulled in many directions to attend a bunch of celebrations and buying gifts for so many people. I enjoy the simplicity of my holidays now when I share my energy and time with my close loved ones. I enjoy being a hermit when it's cold outside. I can cuddle with my puppy. For now, that's good enough for me. 

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In this episode, I talk about navigating difficult conversations in our dating lives... When and how do we come clean about challenges (past or present) in our lives? 

Some of the topics I explore:

• Marital infidelity
• Financial/debt issues
• Health concerns, including addiction or previous battles with addiction
• Difficult Relationships with exes or children

I share stories from listeners and friends, as well as a couple of my own. I also give advice, for what it's worth. :)

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In this episode, I explore all of the ways I could see my life play out as a single woman. I've done a lot of day dreaming and soul searching after divorce. One of the things I like to think about is what I could do if I grow old alone, but not lonely.

Ideas of how I could spend my golden years single:

• Be a real life golden girl - live somewhere fantastic with widowed or divorced friends
• Build a carriage house adjacent to my married friends big house at the beach
• Live in a resort type setting at one of my favorite vacation spots- almost off the grid in Montana, a small condo in Vail, a tiny house on the beach
• Live the RV life exploring the country
• Follow my daughter (to somewhere in the south) - Start a business with Lanie
• Become a house mom at a Sorority or Fraternity
• Stay right where I'm at 
• Focus on my career and pursue a promotion
• Move near Lanie to help with her family

Uncertainty doesn't have to equal fear or sadness or anxiety. What's the worst that can happen? Is the idea of not being married (again) really that bad?

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Our pets impact our dating lives in countless ways. 

To begin, I share a tragic story of how I adopted a black lab puppy on a whim from a not-so reputable animal shelter in Kansas City years ago. My dad, logically and lovingly asked if I had thought this decision through. I was a young single mom of a 5 year old. Was it really a good idea to add a rambunctious large dog into the mix. He warned me that some men would not want to take all of that on.  I answered with... "So be it. Love me, love my dog." He, of course, made a good point thought. Animals do complicate our lives. (In some of the best ways.)

Next, I talk about how some of us end up sharing dogs with our exes. In my case, I asked Lanie's dad for permission to keep his Australian Shepherd, Maggie, around for protection. I also have a friend whose ex bought a dog to appease the kids only to expect her to be the primary caregiver of the dog. (He's not a dog person.) Sharing family pets is a common occurrence. A lot of the time, I think it can be a good thing.

What kind of impression do pets make on our dating profiles? Being a "dog person" or a "cat person" can be divisive. Admittedly, I'm more drawn to men who love dogs.

One complication of pet ownership while single may be meeting potential partners who are allergic or have an aversion to the type of animals we share our home with. Cat allergies are incredibly common, for example. Or, consider how many people feel about pet snakes... I share a story about my brother's cat allergies and another story about hanging out with a snake loving golfer at Mizzou.

How do you feel about sharing a couch or a bed with someone's beloved cat or dog? Both animals can become territorial both of their space and their people. Also, you may find yourself covered in pet hair. How much are you willing to put up with? I tell a story about my puppy, Rip's  overnight in the home of a guy I dated.

I only covered a small number of ways our beloved pets can impact our dating lives. I'm not one bit apologetic for loving my baby boy puppy, Rip. I just need to find a man who will love him too.

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This episode is about all things happy and healthy that we should be looking for out in the dating world.
The format for this episode is progressive... Green flags to spot when someone is into us when we first meet, when we're planning a first date, and while dating or in a relationship. I share personal stories along the way, per usual.

Some Green Flags when we first meet someone

• Displaying genuine interest in you
• Natural, fun banter
• Positive gut feelings/excitement to hear from them
• Responsiveness/Consistency in communication
• Direct communication regarding feelings/excitement to meet

Some Green Flags when planning a 1st date

• Decisiveness/A man with a plan
• The date is planned efficiently and joyfully
• Extra points if the date is planned based on the individual preferences and interests of your date.

Some Green Flags on a 1st date

• Compliments on appearance
• Ease of conversation
• Lingering for dessert or another round
• Ending the date with a hug, kiss, maybe more?!
• Politeness- thanking your date for the coffee, dinner, their time, etc. 
• Send a message within minutes/hours if you are confident want to go out again

Some Dating Green Flags

• They remain interested and communicate consistently
• They are sweet, kind, and considerate
• They are honest, open, and transparent
• It should feel exciting and fun or at least positive and good

Some Relationship Green Flags

• Respecting healthy boundaries - our time, our bodies, etc
• Physical/Sexual Compatibility  
• Having long-standing healthy relationships/friendships
• Being in a good place in life/they're happy before we meet
• They take care of themselves (physically and emotionally)
• Vulnerability
• They have hobbies
• Empathy

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This episode is all about red flags - how to spot them and how to respond to them. I share my own stories of red flags from my past as well as from my current dating life.
To begin, I talk about little pink flags- early flags that have popped up when I've just been texting or getting to know someone before a first date. A guy that I got to know early in 2020 is a great example. Some of the flags that bothered me:

• Texting too frequently
• Sharing every detail of daily life
• Talking too much about their work( instead of getting to know one another)
• Talking negatively about their job

Then, I share some examples of red flags from my more recent dating life:

• Being unkind/rude to hostess, waitress, bar tender, valet, etc.
• Looking at a dating app while on a date.
• Being distracted by their phone while on the date (without explanation).
• They're currently  in a toxic situation with an ex and they share details
• Signs of substance abuse and addiction 
• Use of drugs/alcohol that doesn't align with your lifestyle
• Lying 
• Love bombing - Identifying when it's genuine & authentic V a red flag
• Consuming all of your time
• Isolating you from friends/family
• Jealousy - of any relationship we have, including our children
• Feelings of being controlled or unfairly accused
• Moving uncomfortably fast 
• Being critical of you (especially your appearance or things you can't change) 

I think time is crucial in deciphering flags from isolated, insignificant behaviors. Paying attention to actions (not only words) over the course of weeks and months will help us decide if we're seeing red flags that necessitate a break up. Pay attention to what is right in front of your face and recognize that is who you are choosing- not their potential.

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In this episode, I use songs from Lanie's country music playlist to describe how I hope to be thought of felt about by someone who loves me. I hope this musical discussion elicits  thoughts in your own mind of what it is exactly you are looking for and how you hope to be treated. 
The first song I dissect is She's Everything by Brad Paisley.  A few talking points are:

• It's nice to be appreciated for what we look like in our natural state. It's exhausting putting our best foot forward, appearance-wise all the time. 
• I want to be with someone who expects me to have a full spectrum of emotions and wants me to express both the highs and the lows.  I want to be understood.
• I want to be there for my person and make the people around me feel good and know that they are loved.
• I love BIG. I have a big heart and my feelings run deep. It's important to me that the person I'm with knows that if I'm mad, it's for good reason. The flip side is also true, I show my love loudly too.
• While I understand the ebb and flow of longterm romantic relationships, I love to be around people who dote on their significant others. 
• I mean, bubble baths and wine just make me feel all warm inside.
• Growing old with someone sounds good to me. I don't think it's ever too late.

The second country song I talk through is Billy Currington's song, Details. This song is about how this guy recognizes everything about the woman he adores. He seems to notice and pay attention to all of her attributes. I talk about how this song reminds me of a  recent dating relationship  I was in.  I felt noticed and adored but not necessarily understood. I think there's the surface level of recognizing preferences and interests and then there's the deeper level of truly understanding and balancing their flaws with their gifts. 

The third country song I discuss is Zac Brown Band, Whatever it is.  This song makes me feel flutters and fireworks. It's not a deep, sentimental song but it has a great vibe. It reminds me of when I met a guy at an event recently who kept telling me that he felt drawn to me and he couldn't explain why. Too bad he was married (See Ep53 Easy Targets).

The last song is like an inspirational theme song for me. It's The Good Ones by Gabby Barrett. We can hope for all of the checklist items, but at the end of the day, simple qualities like solid and steady sound pretty great. After years of being alone, online dating, and getting hurt, it's easy to be discouraged. It can feel like the "good ones" are all committed and the single ones aren't what we're looking for. This song gives me the feeling of hopefulness that there are good people out there.

Up Next, Ep55 RED FLAGS!

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In this episode, I talk about how we (single people) are often easy targets for married people to hit on, hit up on social media, to proposition or entangle in an affair.
I begin by sharing my own personal examples of being hit on by married men. I talk about my reaction to being hit on and how I handled those situations.
Many years ago after my first divorce,  I first created my Facebook account. I was immediately contacted by a guy I had grown up with. He was married but asked me to keep in touch via messaging with him while he was deployed by the military. Shortly after that, I received a message from a guy I had dated when I was young. He was married but asked me to go to dinner with him while he visited Kansas City for work travel. Since then, I've received a couple of invitations from men I once dated who are now married. 
Then, I share two separate stories from two female friends of mine. 
One was approached on Facebook by an old friend. They met up for a platonic dinner but the next evening, he gave her a booty call. She felt as though he must've believed she was ready and willing to have an affair with him which ultimately made her feel bad about herself. In a conversation with her, I told I believe he was actually more to blame as he is the married one. He had teed up their reunion as friends but had ulterior motives. I believe she was the victim in this situation and deemed an easy target because she is single.
My other friend has been receiving ridiculous sexual messages for years now from a married man in her social circles. Their children are friends and my friend knows his wife. My friend's boyfriend also is aware of the messages. She has chosen to ignore the propositions, porn, and explicit stuff he sends because it's just not worth it to disrupt his marriage and family. He obviously has issues.
I believe the common link in all of these scenarios is that we are easy targets because we are unmarried. While we all are capable of being bated, enticed, or enjoy simply enjoy attention from the opposite sex, we singles would prefer it to be with other singles! 

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