Man Shopping with Stacie

In this episode, I talk about that undeniable pull that some individuals have. I share some stories from my youth, recent experiences, and a story of one of my girlfriends.
I have a theory some people are just born with game. To drive this point home, I share stories of a kid I knew in elementary school and a boy I nannied while I was in college. These boys had the it-factor and it was undeniable as early as fourth grade. They were confident, but not arrogant. 
"Game" is almost never used as a female connotation. I do think as we get older, the term is less about confidence and potentially more about arrogance. 
I've maybe met a couple of guys with game as an adult. I enjoy a little game of flirt and fun. When it's lacking, I feel like dates feel too buttoned up and more business than pleasure.
John Denver, a guy I dated,  had a little bit of game. He was quit witted in texts. He was pretty good at banter and flirting. He was adoring and complimentary. He was a bit spontaneous and impulsive. When we were together, he opened doors, held my hand, and called me pet names. He was direct. The opposite of having game is playing games. You know, being coy - not responding to texts, waiting to call, being unavailable. 
I have a girlfriend who I think has a lot of game. She's bold, sexual, direct, funny, and flirty. She made a joke about her husband not having game. I love how she explained him. She said, "My husband doesn't have game. He has manners." 
Next, I share a story of a guy from my home town who somehow managed to sleep with a bunch of girls and he got most of them pregnant. He has several baby mama's and I don't really know how or why. My friend knows a very similar guy with eerily similar features. These two average guys make us wonder what it was about them that attracted women without even having to try. We decided it was their reputation and track record with women that made other women want them.
I think the different facets of game are interesting:

• sex appeal
• confidence
• it-factor
• button pushers
• plays coy
• don't have to try
• mysterious

In conversations with my friends we tended to agree that men who have a really strong "game" often are the ones who hurt us. It's sad but true. I share how I've been hurt by these guys and also how I've used my "powers" for evil rather than good. "Game" can be used in smart and sexy ways or to manipulate and hurt.
I think people with a good amount of game do these communicate well ( I go into great detail about this.) I tell a story of a guy I was interested in years ago after my first divorce. He complimented features about me that I was insecure about - my hair and my hands, etc. I felt like he was being insincere and not honest compliments. 
I share another story of a coffee date. On our first and only date, he revealed to me that he had a nose job. It caused some issues in his previous marriage. He wanted to know how I felt about it. I told him I wasn't bothered by it and thought he looked great. As we continued to discuss cosmetic surgeries, I got the feeling maybe what he really wanted to know was if I was open to altering my own body. This was pre- boob job...
I think a common denominator of game is the ability to make someone feel special in a sincere and honest way and be able to verbalize it without restraint. To me, good game is sexy, fun, sincere, genuine, honest, and played with good intention.

Support the show

In this episode, I share my thoughts on the Hot Crazy Matrix. I talk about how appearance, mental stability and emotional availability affect our search for a compatible partner.
To begin, I think the terms hot, crazy, and emotionally unavailable are incredibly subjective. My idea of a HOT man, vastly differs from friend's opinions. I share a recent example.
For the most part, I believe that what is "hot" to you, may not be "hot" to me. BUT, I also think there are some universally undeniably hot people out there who we can all agree on. 
To begin, I think it's wise for all of us to take an honest inventory of ourselves, physically. To drive home the point, I critique my own appearance.
 I think some people have a skewed version of their own attractiveness and it leads them to disappointment and an altered sense of reality regarding who they can attract based on physical traits alone. So, I suggest we should all consider how hot, crazy, and emotionally unavailable are WE before we cast judgement on others.
Recently, I went on a date with a guy who shared with me that when he comes across a really beautiful woman on a dating app, the first question that comes to his mind is... (Fill in the _) What is WRONG with her? 
 I think this is a storyline society creates. If you're gorgeous and alone, you must be crazy. 
From a female perspective, I think pretty boys are hard to find. When we're young, there are attractive people everywhere but as we age, I think it's MUCH harder to find someone we're attracted to. Speaking for myself, I am discerning and have had a hard time finding someone I have chemistry with at this point in my life. I make the point that  our married friends have grown old with the loves of their lives. They fell for each other when they were young and hot and it still works because they've formed a loving bond so they're still into each other. Us singles out here are trying to be attracted to this older version of ourselves and it can be challenging.
Have you ever tried to date someone who you don't consider to be that "hot" ? You try to convince yourself that because they're a good person the feelings will grow and you can make it work? I have. It's my opinion that there are physical, hormonal, chemical things that need to be present in order for sparks to fly. I just don't think you can make this shit up!
Next, I share a CRAZY story a guy once shared with me. He was so taken with her beauty that he wanted to show her off to her friends. In my opinion, big mistake. 
The female version of the hot/emotionally unavailable matrix is laughable and definitely has some truth to it.  At times, I've been guilty of being attracted to men who aren't available because I have been guarded and not ready for a relationship. 
 Rich, successful, men with high social status will always attract some women who are seeking security, wealth, a free ride, whatever. What's worse, a guy dating a crazy hot chick or a woman dating an old rich guy?!
Lastly, I share some of Darwin's theories on "Mate Value". 

Support the show

My name is Stacie and I am an agist. I have never been interested in dating anyone more than a few years older or younger than me. My friend, Tonya, though... Well, she's quite different.
We begin by chatting about our friendship when I was newly divorced from Lanie's dad and she was single, as well. We, along with another friend, called ourselves the Neapolitan Sundae.  We three friends were different in many ways and our preferences when it came to men were different too.  Tonya noticed back then, when I was 31, that I was biased when it came to age.
Tonya shares the story of how she and her boyfriend of 11 years now met. There is a 16 year age gap that Tonya was initially uncomfortable with. When they met, Tonya was turning 41 and Brennan was 25. Tonya resisted Brennan initially, but Brennan persisted!
We discuss some concerns about dating much younger or older:

• If significantly younger, I worry about looking older than him and staying as fit. Tonya shared that she isn't concerned about the physical differences between the two of them and reminded me that appearance comes and goes. 
• Tonya shared that Brennan was concerned about Tonya dying on him. I completely get it! That is a reason I don't date men much older than me. I don't want to get short changed! 
• Younger men I've dated have either been unsure about children or definitely want children. I'm not having anymore babies. Tonya shares how this topic impacted her and Brennan's relationship.
• Careers and finances may not align. 

We have an in-depth discussion about how attraction and chemistry may be different when you date younger or older.  We shift the discussion to Tonya convincing me to date younger men.
 I was approached by HULU for a female empowering show casting women over 40 to date young men. I share all the details!
We discuss the family dynamics and age... If the man is closer in age to my mom than me, I'm not into it. Tonya tells about meeting Brennan's parents. SPOILER ALERT - They were very accepting and loving!
I told Tonya my theory that 39-40 isn't the right age for me to date. Tonya dispels my theory.
Tonya and I talk about sex and how disappointing it can be over 40.  Tonya transparently shared how fantastic her and Brennan's sex life is. She highly recommends having sex with younger men!
Tonya gives me a pep talk and advice to not get hung up on age and advises me to date YOUNGER MEN, not older.

Support the show

Are you REALLY Happy being alone ( like I am)? If so, maybe you have some of the same struggles I have... I'm guarded and I'm getting VERY particular about who I share my heart and time with. Can you relate?

In this episode, I'm going to share with you some examples of how I'm feeling SINGLE AF. At the end, I'm going to share a story from my stepdad Barry about his thoughts about navigating life alone or in a marriage.

This past winter I hibernated. After months of launching this podcast and going out a lot, I retreated to my home and basically shared my time with Lanie, my dog, my family, and close loved ones. BUT, on a short trip to Washington DC, I did hop on BUMBLE for a hot minute. I met a really great guy who I nicknamed Clark Kent. We sparked a little romance and had one date in person. Aside from FaceTiming and getting to know him, my dating life was nonexistent. My winter was essentially cozy, cooped up, and boring... but not in a bad way. I totally enjoyed it. A lot of my friends spent their winter months similarly, so I don't think I'm alone in this. 

Flash forward to earlier today when I almost canceled a date because I hadn't heard from the guy in a few day. I was completely content to bake, watch The Flight Attendant, and stay in. Although I've gotten pretty rigid with how I spend my time, I ended up deciding to go out because I haven't gone out on a date in a long time and I was looking forward to meeting him in person.  Then, out of nowhere, Nashville Nick texted me that he is in KC. What's a SINGLE AF girl to do?! Go out with two guys in one night. That's what. Duh.

After attending a couple of funerals and experiencing the loss of my dog recently, I found myself unexpectedly wishing I had someone to console me and even hold me while I cry. Although I have a wonderful support system, that tender, intimate support is definitely missing in my life. I feel for all of you facing loss and life's challenges alone!

Lastly, I share a story that Barry shared with me from a time when he was "dead single and alone". 

Support the show

This inspiration for this podcast actually came from a Mass I attended.  During the Mass, the priest said that if Moses were alive today he would be considered an "influencer". He went on to tell the parishioners that we could all be influencers for good in the lives of those around us, not just on social media. 

In this podcast, I explore how posts on social media affect us.  I discuss my own presence on social media. Lastly,  I talk about how we can all be influencers for good in the lives of children and in our daily/work lives. 

To begin, I use the example of the loss of my dog, Nica, to show how sharing on social media can be a healthy form of expression.  I'm not above needing support and sympathy, but I think it's important to be clear and direct with our messages and captions online.  I don't think we should use our shares to be manipulative or to draw negativity. It's important to keep it real and balanced. 

Our relationships with kids, direct or indirectly can be a great opportunity to influence for good. Through divorce, even after our kids have seen us struggle, we can be examples of strength, resilience, humanity, and grace. We can show them how to make responsible choices, take the high road, be amicable, and pull ourselves together.  We can BE their emotional support person and not use THEM as our emotional support. 

If you don't have your own children, you can still have such great impact when you have genuine interest in them- what they're up to and how they're feeling. You can influence kids just by being a good listener. Your image alone can influence for good. You can emit positivity just by projecting happiness, care, and concern.

I share examples from my career of times that I used my job as a pharmaceutical rep as an "influencer" to spread joy.  There were many years when I felt as though my job didn't matter.  I was overlooked and viewed more as a delivery person than an intelligent, skilled professional who brought value to a clinic.  I shifted my mindset from feeling worthless to using my presence in the clinics as a platform to grow relationships, listen to other's stories, and share happiness with them. 

We can use brief, public interactions with strangers as an opportunity to be influencers for good. I share an example of a conversation I had with a young guy at a checkout at a local store. If we just open up and give a little, we can impact so many lives.

Work environments are a huge part of our lives and they're not always positive . When your work environment is negative, you can choose to go against the grain by shedding a positive light and by not allowing yourself to be pulled down by negativity.  Our work environments are ever-changing and you can even be a catalyst for good by simply being positive. When your influence spreads to others,  that's when the game changes.

Support the show

The phrase "Emotionally Slutty" is from a Sex and the City episode... Carrie Bradshaw says, "I revealed too much too soon. I was emotionally slutty."

In this episode, I talk about the habit some of us are in of giving it up too early... You know, sharing intimate details of our lives with people we don't know very well. I share with you why I think it is both a blessing and a curse that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I also tell a story of how this played out on a date I went on one time. Lastly, I share some tips and ideas on dos/donts from a dating coach perspective and vulnerability in communication, in general. 

I believe my ability to share a lot of myself with others freely is a gift of mine. Has it also bitten me in the ass more than once? Yes! I think I'm vulnerable in conversation because I want others to be vulnerable with me. I appreciate deep, thoughtful, conversation over small talk any day. 

The so-called dating experts (as well as licensed professionals in therapy/psychology) tell us that these more revealing conversations should be reserved for later in a relationship as trust is built. However, most of us bond over common ground... Often, we end up talking about our marriages, divorces, or we get triggered by something that leads to conversation about our pasts. We also talk about the common ground of dating & how challenging it can be. I've found myself swapping online dating stories many times while on a date. I think this is all very normal and we shouldn't beat ourselves up when it happens.

Next, I share intimate details of how I received a text message recently from a guy I had gone on one date with right after my separation in spring of 2020.  He shared with me a backhanded compliment that he thought I was growing in my divorce journey after having revealed too much too soon about my divorces on our date. As it turns out, I thought he talked an awful lot about his divorce! Perspective is everything and we're all learning here.

Herein lies the difference from a good date and a friendship date where we bond over divorce and being single... When there's sexual attraction, chemistry, giddy feelings, we don't talk about this stuff! When there's a spark, the conversation has NOTHING to do with the negative stuff of our pasts or our exes.

I'm a "relationship person".  I care about people I get to know in my personal life as well as my professional life. I recently learned some communication skills from a group called The Black Swan Group. The skills were originally developed for hostage negotiations but can be used in sales or in everyday life. I give some examples of using what they call, Labels & Mirrors, to learn more about the other person and to get the other person to open up . 

At the end of the day, I still believe vulnerability begets vulnerability. Being Emotionally Slutty isn't for everyone... Not everyone appreciates deep, thought-provoking, intimate conversations. Some people judge me and think I'm inappropriate or too vulnerable. That's ok! They're just not my people.

Support the show

I'm back! I'm on a journey of self- discovery right along with you! I'm 44 years old now and my daughter turns 17 at the end of the month. We've been on our own for about 3 years now. This skill of learning to write in pencil is something I've been working on for awhile.
In this episode, I'm going to share some examples of how despite trying to write my own life's story with a sharpie, life has thrown curveballs time an time again to remind me I should be writing in pencil. I'm also going to try to convince myself and you guys that there's been no better time than now... single over 40 to keep an open mind and go with the flow. 
I found inspiration for this podcast from my daily devotional written by Shauna Niequist called Savor. 
My vision for my break from the podcast was one of tranquility. The reality though, is that the break has created anxiety.  There's never a perfect time to jump back in or take a leap of faith.  So, here I am, back with the podcast after my break that didn't really serve me well. 
My first love at the age of 14 is a clear example of my own tendency to get ahead of myself and plan my life. I had a promise ring, names for our kids were chosen, and my engagement ring design was literally torn from a magazine. Then, life happened... again and again.
For me, something that changed the course of my life more that anything else was death. I share the story of my cousin, Mandy's, death when we were both 18 and how it altered the course of my life.  
Death upturns everything and I believe death and divorce (or break ups) evoke similar feelings. I think it's important to grieve our past relationships just as we grieve the loss of our loved ones in death. Sometimes divorce comes as a tragic surprise. For others, it's a long painful ending. Either way, it's painful and difficult. 
Overcoming loss in divorce doesn't have to be strewn with negative feelings and guilt.  We can seek forgiveness, share life with positive people, learn through our dating experiences. We can choose to view our single status as an opportunity though. Personally, I find it thrilling that I have no idea what is ahead.

Opportunities to be open-minded and excited about the unknown as singles over 40:

• Our careers- Maybe it's a great time to choose a different career path or continue our education. It's never too late!
• Creative Pursuits! Your life doesn't have to look any particular way. Nothing is holding you back. Use your extra time to try something new. Your desires and dreams are up to you to make happen!
• Future relationships/marriage - some of us have very strong feelings about what we will and not do in our future... I think we should avoid definitive statements like "I'll never get married again!" How do you know?! I think we should stay open hearted and open-minded about our romantic futures. Personally, I don't have an end game... I have NO idea if I'll fall in love or get married. I am open to anything though.

Life can change on a dime. I've been approached by several different casting agents and directors to be on reality shows. They were all big wake up calls of just how quickly my life would change if I ended up on any of them. If you would've told me a year ago that I would be doing phone and zoom interviews for Hulu or HBO Max, I wouldn't believe you. That's a version of my life I could've never predicted.

I share a story of a beautifully tragic love story of a friend of mine. It's a wonderful example of a second chance of love and exactly how unpredictable life can be. 

Have faith and believe that your future holds great things. The unknown can be thrilling. Maybe just maybe you'll choose to follow my lead and for the first time in your life you'll be a visionary and a dreamer.

Support the show

This episode is all about a fact of life... rejection.

To begin, I discuss how the end of a significant relationship or marriage can feel like the ultimate rejection.  Sometimes these relationships end due to infidelity, growing apart, or choosing a vice over the relationship. I dive into how I experienced rejection throughout my two divorces.

Rejection can also be less significant yet it still stings.  Examples of this type of rejection are when  we flirt in person or online and it is not reciprocated.  We may be ignored after following or DMing someone.  Likewise, Dating Apps can feel like a constant source of rejection when we are not matched, ignored, or ghosted.

Sometimes we are rejected because the person we are interested in is unavailable or emotionally unavailable.  To make this point, I share a personal story from college.  I fell hard for a frat guy I was spending time with only to find out later he had a girlfriend.  Because I was young and naive (& a dumb ass) I wrote him a letter pleading for him to choose me despite my friend LaTonya's disapproval.  In the end, he ignored and rejected me.  He wasn't available!  Think about some of the rejections you've had in life.  Were some of them because the other person was in a relationship with someone else or emotionally unavailable?

One of my girlfriends experienced rejection after meeting a man who seemed to be her perfect match.  Out of nowhere, a few weeks into their budding romance, he broke things off.  He told her he was more interested in another woman.  Understandably, this rejection made my gorgeous friend doubt her physical beauty because he preferred women with big boobs and long hair.  We are all prone to self doubt when someone chooses another over us., myself included. Let's all work on being confident in our self image and not let someone else's  preferences and choices have negative impacts on our self esteem... especially when they are shallow.

Lastly, I share two rejection stories from my friends.  They are different stories but with a similar theme.  They both felt they were rejected because they didn't meet someone's social standards.  They were young but they weren't wealthy, educated, or accomplished as their suitors desired.  Their stories beg the question... Do we really want to know WHY we are rejected by someone OR is it enough to simply know that (for whatever reason) we are not what they're hoping for in a partner.

Rejection is indeed a fact of life.  We are in this together! This unique time in our lives as singles later in life is complicated! Let's support and rally around our friends as we experience rejection.  

Support the show

This episode is all about Catfishing on online dating sites. 

In this episode, I discuss the Tinder Swindler, a popular Netflix documentary about a man who conned several women out of hundreds of thousands of dollars.  He called himself Simon Liviev and claimed to be the heir to the "king of diamonds".  

After matching with a woman on Tinder, he would portray himself to be wealthy, intelligent, charming, and adoring.  Initially, he would wine and dine his targets. He spent a lot of money on them, as well as attention to earn their trust.  He was considerate, thoughtful, and sweet.  After a short amount of time, he would tell them he loved them and would entice them with a romantic vision of a beautiful future as husband and wife. 

 Once  he felt as though he had earned their trust, he would claim to be in a desperate and dangerous situation that required their financial help.  He would tell them his assets were frozen or he couldn't access his own fortune and he needed them to step in and rescue him. 
While it's unlikely that most of us would ever encounter someone as masterful at manipulation as him online, fake profiles and catfishing are common.  In this episode, I share two examples of how my own image and likeness were shared on dating apps in an effort to manipulate people.

The first example was shared with me by a woman who was using an app called Zoe in Oregon.  The woman using my photos claimed to be a freelance photographer.  The second example was shared with me by a man who was on the app Plenty of Fish in North Carolina.

These are a few of the tips I share to help you avoid falling prey to catfishing:

1. Be cautious of people who appear particularly alluring... Exotic lifestyles, unique and fancy jobs... Stuff that seems too good to be true.
2. Often times Catfish will delete their dating profile soon after matching.
3. The Catfish may be "active" and "online" an unusually high amount of time.
4. They may ask you to talk through Google Voice or a different app- not using a normal phone number
5. They may refuse to  FaceTime or Video Chat
6. If you search their name and cannot find them on social media, LinkedIn, or just by googling their name and location, as for more information.
7. Be cautious if they delay a face to face visit or cancel on you.

Unfortunately, these manipulative people prey on people who are new to social media and online dating.  If your gut is telling you something is off or someone seems to be too good to be true... listen.

Support the show

I'm often asked if I'm scared to grow old and die alone? My answer is always "NO!".  A huge source of my peacefulness and optimism for my future is my faith.  

This is an inclusive podcast, so if you believe in any higher power, I hope it resonates with you too.

I believe in love. I believe that God has chosen a compatible match for me. I am patient. I will not settle for a relationship that is not a good match.  That wouldn't be fair for either of us. 

In this episode, I share how my faith has provided me with strength, hope, and courage throughout my divorce and time as a single person. I walk in faith every day and am never alone because God is always there. I challenge you to think about your faith and how it can transform your outlook on life. 

I share a powerful story from my stepdad, Barry.  His story make a firm point that we must first find forgiveness, healing, and work on ourselves before we can be a good partner for someone else. Skipping this step will likely lead to more heartache for everyone involved.

Admittedly, I've made plenty of bad decisions in life. I've made bad choices that have led to a lot of pain.  I'm still learning, seeking forgiveness, and developing myself into a better person.

Lastly, I share another wise lesson from Barry about what he calls "The big lie".  "The big lie" is what we tell ourselves and others... "I'll be more fit. I'll be a better parent. I'll be more responsible with money. I'll be sober .... ONCE I'm in a relationship or IF I find a partner. I've lived this big lie and I bet a lot of you have too.

I hope that this podcast makes you think.  I hope you examine how your faith can bring you more hope, more peace, and more optimism. 

Support the show