No matter how much power you have, you’re going to eventually sit in someone’s office and pitch something. It’s why Rob Long thinks everyone has to perfect at least 10 minutes of pre-meeting chit chat — those short but important conversations, usually between writers and execs, that take place prior to the official start of any pitch (weird traffic patterns, huh? Did you guys know each other in college?). Just don’t talk about scary spiders.

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This week, Rob Long reveals his big plans in 2023 for digital absolution — in other words, a reprieve from having to read or watch (or even know) about what's on TV. Full and unfettered forgiveness for not watching that movie you like or clinking on the link to that article you sent him, and he’ll give you the same in return. Deal?

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There’s a great dividing line between a person’s time in show business: When you’re starting out — or even before that, when you’re just daydreaming about a successful career — all you see is upside. But once you’ve made it (usually with a little bit of luck and a string of crazy events), you devote a lot of time (thanks in part to our armies of lawyers, business affairs types, etc.) to worrying. “If you spend too much time in this business,” says Rob, “you forget that there are only two things you really need to be successful: a willingness to put it all on the line, and an idiot to convince you to do it.”

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How competitive is host Rob Long? Well, as he’ll tell you, he once fumed over his friend — not him — being named Customer of the Week at their local coffee bar. Which brings us to awards season, where, “if you spend a lot of time watching other people get good stuff, you become stressed out and unhappy.” But, cautions Rob, you can either wallow in rage at the injustice, or redouble your efforts just so one day you too can see the look on the faces of those idiots who doubted you. Says our host: “Vengeful satisfaction… is priceless.”

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Rob met Kirstie Alley on Cheers when he was 24. Never afraid to ugly cry or ask for a scene to be changed (a scene was changed once because she wouldn’t take aspirin; see: Scientology), Alley, decades later, wanted a role on Rob’s TV show playing a grandmother (a role another actress, 82, thought she was too young to play). Never vain, Alley summoned Rob to her house, and, in her way, said, “If you think I’m too fat, just tell me.” Says Rob, “We didn’t. She was just perfect.” Alley passed away after a brief battle with cancer two weeks ago at age 71.

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The most prevalent topics in a Hollywood executive office? Host Rob Long ranks them: 1. Money; 2. What to do about the writer; 3. Lunch. Indeed, early in one’s career, most writers realize that — upon any success — he or she is surrounded by people whose job it is, essentially, to watch them do their job and tell them how to do it. Which is why he proposes to every exec Take Your Writer to Work Day.

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Have a script due or need a decision made? Rob Long hopes you got it done before Thanksgiving lest you be forced to wait until January rolls around. Of course, there’s a price we pay for that industry-wide habit of shutting-off well ahead of holidays, summer, three-day weekends, etc. — a constant feeling of being too late. Which, as it turns out, is the industry’s preferred method of getting things done. After all, if you wait until the last minute, you can blame any bad decision, any failure, on just how rushed things were.

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Rob admits he should stop reading the trades: the only thing they’re good for is “to keep up on the career milestones of other people in the business who you may know, like, or be secret enemies with.” And since most trade coverage is dedicated to announcements of things to come, very likely “none of it will get made or sold, none of it will produce anything, which means none of it is worth getting anxious over and none of it is important to know.” In other words, he says, it’s all drumroll, no actual music. Just ask that lottery winner.

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Working in entertainment, Rob Long has become superstitious. Whenever Rob does something humdrum like walking the dog and his agent calls, it’s always bad news. A call on a great trip? Well, maybe it’s a series pick-up! “We're always looking for signs and signals about where exactly we are on the great big greasy power ladder,” he says. And nowhere is your place in the world more on display than at the gates of a studio. If you’re denied entry and the gate arm stays down, you’re not just locked out of the lot — you’re also locked out of the business.

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This week, Rob finds similarities between an audience and the voting public. Both will disappoint or lift you up on occasion, but what they should never do is surprise you, because that means you haven’t been listening. The solution: Turn to the crew, often the best and most accurate focus group a TV writer/producer can get. “‘Is the crew laughing?’ is one of the questions writers ask all the time on a comedy shoot,” says Rob, because they’re not paid enough to pretend to enjoy something when they’re not. On that note, Rob also offers up some free advice to anyone running a media business: follow the Olive Garden strategy, where, upon a takeover, every executive was forced to work in a restaurant for a day.

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